Confusion

it's 6.17 am and i'm supposed to be rushing out my grad project which i was supposed to be doing ages ago and not leaving it till the last minute. boo to the procrastinator in me.

i know i'm not supposed to be blogging but i can't help it. my phone is acting up again and it's hard to type, so here i am blogger.

it's weird coming out of a relationship that lasted for 2 years and i've no idea how many months. yes to many it's nothing at all, but seriously i'm amazed it lasted as long as it did. honestly i feel fine, but i know i'm not quite over it yet.

idk what it is that i miss. but i expected myself to feel horrible for a much longer period of time. now i just feel..... empty. but i suppose that's normal. i'm even okay with looking at his facebook updates and what not. yes i cringe a little when i see them but still, its definitely not as bad as i thought it would be. definitely.

been telling Joey and Cynthia that i feel that the first step that one takes once they're is out of a long term relationship is what shapes what they're going to do for the rest of their lives, or for a very long time anyway.

i mean, what am i supposed to do now? someone once told me 'the first person you like when you come out of a relationship is confirm a rebound'. and i agree with that to a large large extent. not for every case, cause there are people who stay single for a long period of time before getting into another relationship, but i'm talking about the ones who get into another relationship, or start dating again straightaway. again, not for every case but i think for most of them, it's kinda true.

when you stop being able to love someone without causing yourself pain, where does that affection go? does it just die off? or is it like energy? in which case it gets transferred somewhere else because energy cannot be killed off.

but this is a matter of the heart. and i'm really confused. perhaps i'm over thinking things but i do tend to do that a lot so.....

i mean, now it feels like i'm pushing all my affections to someone else because i need a good distraction. i'm pretty sure all these will just amount to nothing so why bother right? but then again i've never been too good at being alone. though now's the best time to start right?

idk i'm confused. really confused. at times i think of _ and i miss him. for the better part of 30 secs or so, i get nostalgic and i think of the past. then i snap out of it. but that empty feeling doesn't go away. i know i'm okay over how things are right now, so where does that feeling come from?

urg so many questions and there's the question of what to do next. i mean it's not like i really have to, but i really really want to. high chance of me getting hurt again, but then again i'm good at the no feelings kinda thing, _ apart.

it's just that i don't like feeling all fluttery and excited. it's weird, it's unsettling. i don't like that feeling. plus whatever i'm feeling i'm pretty sure it's just a displacement of affection.

yuck.

okay end of rant. made me feel better though it didn't help much with clearing things up in my head. now if only i can complete my report and type with the speed i used while typing up this blog post.

goodnight my lovelies.


xoxo