like a child

"and right now, the radios all that we can hear."

not at home now. can't deal being alone i guess. not tonight.

i'm going to pretend like i didn't see anything, pretend that i don't know anything, pretend that it doesn't hurt like fuck, pretend i'm not like play dough in his hands, pretend like i don't know who he's out with, pretend that nothing happened, pretend like i don't care, pretend that he doesn't exist.

cause he'll not be the one i want a text from. i'll try my best, to lose these feelings in the fastest way possible, in the most effective way i know how.

and i swore i would never be that pathetic, never ever again, and yet.. such a dog, you stupid bitch.

too bad i can't do headstands; maybe it'll stop these tears from falling.

movie tomorrow with ___________. lol i really don't know why i'm doing this to myself.

words spinning in my head, but i've no idea how to put them into words.

Roy once said, 'the reason why two people will last long is because either one of them will cling onto the other and not let go' or something like that.

well, perhaps now's the time huh? or perhaps it should've been ages ago.

still, a lot of things i want to say, like 'take care of yourself, save one dollar a day (and you'll $18250 at the end of 50 years), limit yourself when you gamble, go home earlier, spend more time with your family and do what you promise your mum, brush them properly, remember to check for your things and don't lose em especially in the arcades, iron your own uniform, don't drink too much, don't get caught smoking in camp, compare prices properly before you buy your weekly snacks, don't eat too much maggie mee, blahblahblah.'

yeah pointless, but still.then he'll normally tell me 'i know what to do lah'. though i guess it's good that he won't come here anymore.

and, i'm sorry.



xoxo,
i hate this part right here.

ps: look out for him, talk sense into him, be there for him, for me can? cause i can't anymore. (:thanks. nope, not big ego at all, if you know who you are. (: thank you, thank you.

)':

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i love you.

nostalgia

-

damn, i miss the past.

working with k, random meetups with weewee, working with cyn and bec, days in secondary school with whb and bc and k, shopping trips or starbucks with justin, going to sebas' to mahjong or talk cock, meeting fengru to eat mac or just crapping, jalan kayu with k and whb, gym with eve, karaoke with shiqi, even sfc days, with melt and people, texting with yutong and talking about x-men and mtv, and almost anything under the sun, days when bh and i will go "CHANGJING!!!!!!" and he goes "NIANGNIANG!!!!!!!" , drive-bys in alans car with angie and co, mustafa/mt faber? pubbing around with unknown people, mahjong with God knows who in some strangers house, a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot.

honestly i miss nyp, regret not going, cause i should've, more than anything. though psychology is a better course for me, cause i have no idea what i wanna do in the future. and now i feel damn lost.

browsed through old photos with my 'pb&j' hair, as said by weewee. old class photos, old nyp photos, brought back a lot of memories. back when i was so so unsatisfied with what i have. threw away many friendships, in a way, and i miss you all so so much. from the bottom of my heart, i swear. but i know it's never gonna be the same again, and that really sucks. cause we've all moved on, have seperate lives, occasionally pausing to catch up, but really, i still hold those memories dear. well and truly.

a lot of things would have changed, blahblah if i hadn't taken certain steps, i know. but somehow i don't regret those steps, but i regret how i changed when i took 'em. does that make sense? cause i don't really recognize that girl in the photos anymore. and i do prefer that girl way back then.

could laugh easily, didn't have to focus on much. was madly madly madly madly madly obsessed with a particular someone (hehehehehehe), and somehow i knew that i could count on each and everyone of the people around me.

i'm not saying i can't now, but i know we're not as close anymore, not as important to each other, though it still stays. more of independance instead of that dependance. i hate being alone, feeling alone, and i guess that's whats getting me down.

cause i feel fucking alone. and i don't wanna be independent. i wanna lean on someone. but sometimes the person who's supposed to be there doesn't understand, and i guess there're somethings a person will never get, and perhaps it's something that won't ever click. and i'd wish he gets me more, and i wish i can be myself.

but then again, i've no idea who i am. never really knew, but it seems like i'm wayyyy further from knowing who i really am.

and now i don't really act like myself sometimes, cause i'm afraid that once people get too close they'll just see that i'm empty. but what's 'myself' in the first place? got to reach self-actualization, but where the hell do i start?

damn. feeling drained, and people are gonna start telling me 'life's like that/don't think too much." blahblah. wonder what Bb will tell me. probably the latter.

i need someone. right now. thank God for Bh, and Cyn, though she's very unresponsive. -..-

i wanna get away from here, probably on that $48 trip to phuket or something. one way there to get some inner peace by contemplating my thoughts. sounds damn dumb that phrase. 'contemplating my thoughts'. okay shut up.

somehow i find that the person i lean on the most isn't the one i love the most. and somehow i wish it weren't like that, and yet i don't.

okay i'll bet people don't understand what i'm saying.

need some time to think. and when i say think, i don't mean those thoughts running through my head kind. i don't know. maybe i'll see things clearer after reading some books or talking it out or whatever.

but i feel like going to the beach. urghhhhhhhhh.

maybe it's cause i've been wandering around school like some friendless idiot. and i don't feel like talking or opening up to anyone. or contributing anything. have no idea why even a smile seems taxing.

i think i need a therapist. seriously screweedddddd up.

okay shall try to talk to Bb about it. but by that time i think i'll have recovered, so maybe not. i don't know.

shall try to be who i was. but the girl i am now too. no idea.

feel so much better after blogging it out. LOL. and talking to bh and recieving some reassurances. M was right after all. i am quite insecure, no?

think it's to do with a lot of things since young lah. but yeah.



kay thanksbye (:


xoxo
is it you, is it you?

ps: what if the pieces can't fit together, what if we were the pieces of two different puzzles?

and i don't know what's worth fighting for

"when it rain, it pours."

'Can i have this dance' is playing in my head right now. damn sweet, and i think i'm secretly one of those sappy females who totally melts at any display of affection. -..-

and i have come to realize that i can't really interact with humans properly, and somehow i just sink into some kind of stare-into-space-for-long-periods-of-time thing, and i think i have difficulty interacting with fellow classmates, cause i usually go to class in a i-want-to-sleep-don't-bother-me kind of mode, so yeah.

find it so much easier communicating without having to look at anyone, like maybe msn-ing or texting or what.

oh yeah and i realized that my previous post was chopped off halfway.

damn tired. shall get some shut eye. serious fluctuations in my moods. not good, not good! and damn it why won't my hair grow faster???????!!!!!!!

school tomorrow. GAH!!!!!




goodnight world.


xoxo
no matter what

ps: i can't ignore my gut feeling. not at all. i can't, i can't, i can't, i can't. so am i your second best? or am i your best and the only one you'd ever want?

taking in breaths to stay

blogger is fucking me up.

edit:

ditto for msn.

edited yet again:

finally! both msn and blogger is working as per normal. (: photos of last week with Boo.












yes i know i'm fat. shut up.

tao huay with K and Bc today. didn't go to school cause i was feeling unwell (GENUINE OKAY!) but after some rest i felt better, so off i went. bought my jacket at long last! two weeks of thinking about it, and finally! my online purchases here i come!

dinner with the cousins cancelled, but thai food with Bec tomorrow! love love love meetups with dear ones.

been having bad dreams recently, one after the other. there was one time a few days ago at Bb's place. we were sleeping, and i was dreaming of this weird person who wanted to attack me or something. instead of running away, i wanted to hit him back. (pretty sure it's a him) and so in the dream, i turned and wanted to whack him with my hand, and before i whacked him, i suddenly woke up and opened my eyes, to see Bb sleeping peacefully infront of me. i think i turned over to face him when i was sleeping, and my hand was almost infront of his face lah! like a few inches more and it'll come smacking right down. and i'd bet he'll be damn angry to be woken up like that. >


xoxo,
till i see you again.

edited again:

omg lahhhhhh fuck weewee's making me feel damn horrible. I HATE DOING THINGS WITHOUT THINKING. damnnnnn now it'll seem like i'm some kind of wanna act one friendly.
LOLLOL. and i swear i'm not like that!!!!! WTFFFFF. !?!!!!?!?!! LOLLOL. mentally strangled myself.

goodbye, my almost lover

"cause sometimes we want what we can't have, throwing away what we do (have)."

contemplative mode now, set by 'Almost Lover'. again the urge to jump ship back to ellejay, but i guess it's too much of a hassle.

and i realize now, that the 'diary' i always speak of is the one i have locked away in my head. as we grow up, no one really knows how we feel 100%. we try, we try. but as time goes by.....

i guess we give up, slowly.

and the thought of 'the one meant for you', and 'the second best' and 'the one you love the most'. thanks to a book and some situations i've seen recently.

and in class a few days back, the teacher asked, "why do you want to study psychology?", and my answer in my head was "cause humans are screwed, and i wanna know why we do the things that we do." apart from wanting to make loads of money too, though.

we also have this paper to write, and my research topic was: infidelity. why?

guess i'll elaborate as the days go by and as the thoughts form proper tracks in my mind.

and somehow i'm a little amazed at the way we're able to pick ourselves up after what seems like a great big fall, unlike humpty dumpty; he needs to learn that lesson for himself.

but i guess a little part of every person who falls will remain smashed up, and the pieces swept away.

i think it's only human nature to be afraid, to want to safeguard everything they have. to throw caution to the wind, and to put yourself at the most vulnerable, that's the bravest thing. for me, at least. maybe. there're different kinds of courage, and perhaps dreaming of the future, of something together, or something better, might be more than i can ever hope for.

or more than i can let myself think about.

i think i'm afraid of a hundred, thousand, million, billion things.

sigh, and i think i'm afraid of needing Bb more than/then he needs me. and i remember the last time we quarreled, i said something like 'wo de xin hen tong', if anyone gets it. and he said 'ya la ya la wo de xin jiu bu tong la okay?'

and i always say things that hurt people, or say things without thinking. cause i won't measure my importance, and i don't know how my words can hurt them.(okay that sounds damn up my own ass.) especially Bb i guess, cause i'm forever saying this, saying that. and i expect him not to do certain stuff, and yet i'm doing it over and over again, not putting myself into his shoes. like how will he feel at that moment and how i'm being unfair to him.

don't think i'm good enough, to an extent. not a good girlfriend at all. like when i felt too shuttered in, too caged in. not enough time with friends and all, but i didn't think about him, how he doesn't go with his other friends too, and spends all his time out with me.

i'm going to listen to what Binghui told me, and i'm going to try to change. to a certain extent i know i won't, cause sometimes that's just the way i am. but i'm going to change what i can.

and i'm fucking happy that Bb came to fetch me from school. totally dorky the way he stood outside the campus in his uniform and clutching that bag he puts his stuff in, all sweaty and people giving him strange glances cause of his attire. and he kept kpkb-ing all the way about how lost he was on the way over, cause we were on the phone before we met each other.

never thought how i'd actually wanna be in a relationship with this particular person. and that i'd actually care very very very very very much if he felt the same way too.

'Life's what happens when you're making other plans', as the saying goes, and i realize that a lot of things that happened in my life are very unplanned, and just taking turns at every corner to some new twist. i don't regret it one bit though.

not one.

alright enough of this. shall try to post photos, blogger isn't co-operating with me, damn it.

went to watch 'Transformers 2' with Darren, Xuanming and Bb at AMK Hub on Saturday night, then it was Plaza with Aldrin added. some Numberball, and off to Aldrin's to sleep.

no new photos since no camera and laggy shit camera phone. damnnnn i want my mum's camera. ): PINK!

meeting up with Bb tomorrow (later) at 7 am supposedly. then it's school and meeting Jerold for awhile, then Mabel after, maybe.

then Tuesday it's K and Bc, and on Wednesday it's the cousins! (:

alright off, loves.


xoxo
you're a lot of what i need.

ps: i'm afraid, cause i think i meant what i said.

sucker for lovers

"and we'll never be truly apart"

so, met up with Bc at mall, and i was late! >< hung around, ate at Cafe Cartel and talked talked talked talked and talked some more. been more than awhile since i saw her, and i miss her lah! :D

then we went over to that idiot K's house, and stood outside for no idea how long, chatting and she didn't even want to invite us in! HAHA. but okay i shall forgive her since we're meeting up next Tuesdayyyyy! say yayyyyy. whb where are youuuuuu????? bet she's damn busy now.

gah i'm damn tired! have to clean my room and the thought of it makes me feel sick. but have to luh! else i'll have no idea where my clothes are and all. i wanna shop some moreeeeeeeee! sian haven't paid my online stuff>< still waiting for my parents to gimme my full allowance so i can pay them. gah !

i know it's damn wrong lah. but sorrrrryy! ><

hmm alright shall go pack up my room. very inspired to DIY again after going back to read fashion blogs, and i shall try to do some stuff! told my mum i want a dress form just now -..- it's so much easier lor. can do a lot of drapey stuff properly rather then just winging it.

kay off to pack up, then it's off to bed. Bb's booking out tomorrow and he said he's coming to fetch me! like first time can? he's never picked me up from school before, but i guess that's cause i've never really gone to school enough. lolllllllll.

kkay maybe i'll be back to edit later or tomorrow! (:



xoxo
perhaps it's you

ps: sunshine, you make me smile.