nostalgia

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damn, i miss the past.

working with k, random meetups with weewee, working with cyn and bec, days in secondary school with whb and bc and k, shopping trips or starbucks with justin, going to sebas' to mahjong or talk cock, meeting fengru to eat mac or just crapping, jalan kayu with k and whb, gym with eve, karaoke with shiqi, even sfc days, with melt and people, texting with yutong and talking about x-men and mtv, and almost anything under the sun, days when bh and i will go "CHANGJING!!!!!!" and he goes "NIANGNIANG!!!!!!!" , drive-bys in alans car with angie and co, mustafa/mt faber? pubbing around with unknown people, mahjong with God knows who in some strangers house, a lot a lot a lot a lot a lot.

honestly i miss nyp, regret not going, cause i should've, more than anything. though psychology is a better course for me, cause i have no idea what i wanna do in the future. and now i feel damn lost.

browsed through old photos with my 'pb&j' hair, as said by weewee. old class photos, old nyp photos, brought back a lot of memories. back when i was so so unsatisfied with what i have. threw away many friendships, in a way, and i miss you all so so much. from the bottom of my heart, i swear. but i know it's never gonna be the same again, and that really sucks. cause we've all moved on, have seperate lives, occasionally pausing to catch up, but really, i still hold those memories dear. well and truly.

a lot of things would have changed, blahblah if i hadn't taken certain steps, i know. but somehow i don't regret those steps, but i regret how i changed when i took 'em. does that make sense? cause i don't really recognize that girl in the photos anymore. and i do prefer that girl way back then.

could laugh easily, didn't have to focus on much. was madly madly madly madly madly obsessed with a particular someone (hehehehehehe), and somehow i knew that i could count on each and everyone of the people around me.

i'm not saying i can't now, but i know we're not as close anymore, not as important to each other, though it still stays. more of independance instead of that dependance. i hate being alone, feeling alone, and i guess that's whats getting me down.

cause i feel fucking alone. and i don't wanna be independent. i wanna lean on someone. but sometimes the person who's supposed to be there doesn't understand, and i guess there're somethings a person will never get, and perhaps it's something that won't ever click. and i'd wish he gets me more, and i wish i can be myself.

but then again, i've no idea who i am. never really knew, but it seems like i'm wayyyy further from knowing who i really am.

and now i don't really act like myself sometimes, cause i'm afraid that once people get too close they'll just see that i'm empty. but what's 'myself' in the first place? got to reach self-actualization, but where the hell do i start?

damn. feeling drained, and people are gonna start telling me 'life's like that/don't think too much." blahblah. wonder what Bb will tell me. probably the latter.

i need someone. right now. thank God for Bh, and Cyn, though she's very unresponsive. -..-

i wanna get away from here, probably on that $48 trip to phuket or something. one way there to get some inner peace by contemplating my thoughts. sounds damn dumb that phrase. 'contemplating my thoughts'. okay shut up.

somehow i find that the person i lean on the most isn't the one i love the most. and somehow i wish it weren't like that, and yet i don't.

okay i'll bet people don't understand what i'm saying.

need some time to think. and when i say think, i don't mean those thoughts running through my head kind. i don't know. maybe i'll see things clearer after reading some books or talking it out or whatever.

but i feel like going to the beach. urghhhhhhhhh.

maybe it's cause i've been wandering around school like some friendless idiot. and i don't feel like talking or opening up to anyone. or contributing anything. have no idea why even a smile seems taxing.

i think i need a therapist. seriously screweedddddd up.

okay shall try to talk to Bb about it. but by that time i think i'll have recovered, so maybe not. i don't know.

shall try to be who i was. but the girl i am now too. no idea.

feel so much better after blogging it out. LOL. and talking to bh and recieving some reassurances. M was right after all. i am quite insecure, no?

think it's to do with a lot of things since young lah. but yeah.



kay thanksbye (:


xoxo
is it you, is it you?

ps: what if the pieces can't fit together, what if we were the pieces of two different puzzles?