my dad's my new boyfriend!

gotta love myself, respect myself.

and i know, someday, i'll be okay. and i can look back and say 'i used to love him a lot.'

got to stop all this nonsense, and be who i was, or rather, the new and improved Johanna. the one who can be happy by herself, the one who doesn't run away, the one who doesn't cling on.

i should have done it ages ago, should've walked out with my head held high. should've been able to put down what i'd taken up, nine months and seven days ago.

instead of letting it become so ugly, i'm cringing inside, picturing the scene. that was more than putting down my pride, that was just unnessecary.

if the point that we love each other isn't enough, then i guess there's nothing left for me to say.

it hurts, it does. and i'm so afraid. even my fingers won't let me type out. stupid huh.

texted him a very long message just now while aimlessly walking around, and i feel like such an idiot for doing so.

it's my fault things have come to this, i am to blame for many things. and i can't let myself be like that anymore.

am going to take this whole ..... thing? as a learning experience, and i'm going to learn from it, and change to become a better person, a better girl.

i have to, cause i'm sick of the way things have been going, and the way i've handled it. shall be mature, like an adult! afterall i'm eighteen this year, no?

and as for the feelings..... if they remain, they will. not going to do anything about it, and i can't too.

cause i have a life, and i've been too consumed by these feelings to lead it properly, being afraid of this, thinking of this and that, till i couldn't function properly. ain't healthy, and i don't want to be like that anymore.

i need my friends, now more than ever. thank you best one, for saying you'll stand by me through this period of time. <3

exhuasted throughout by these past few months, the cycle, the love and the tears, making up, breaking up, and making up again. learnt a lot of things, though.

God, i need You too. (: give me the strength, and some quick pain relief? hot guy can? HAHA.

my dad is the coolest dad in the world. he let me go club! i love my parents very very very very very much. (: i do i dooooooo. (remember keenan and kel?)

alright off to watch friends and all. if we're meant to be, we'll still be, in the end, eventually. there's no point wanting anything, hoping for anything, or crying or clinging on. gotta listen to that inner voice that i've silenced for so damn long!

so, yeahhhhhh. jia you! take care of yourself, johanna. you can do it. do what mom says, and 'keep on walking.' like johnny walker! HAHA funny eh.

and i want to spend some time alone too. to reflect and make sure i'm totally alright. hehe

okay go already thankssssssss ah.

byebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebye.



xoxo
day one, and counting.

ps: ___________________________. (ihymmt)