loving you a little less than before

i thank God for my friends, for my parents, for the people who really do care, no matter how much shit i do.

for weewee, who has been there for me, though i was a very fucked up friend. who scolds me and acts like my jimney cricket, and still being there, even after all this time.

for karen, who cares still, even after i've acted like a jerk, when i've always disappointed her, for the meals we had in silence and getting irritated like hell by each other. HAHA you know what i mean right?

for boo, who doesn't blame me when we've not contacted for a long time, for being understanding when i wasn't there for her. like how we can not contact for months, and still be as good.

for huibing, who stood up for me, even when a lot of people were talking behind my back. for saying that my friendship with her will never be affected when shit happened and she got very hurt partly thanks to me.

for cynthia, who still misses me, my partner-in-crime! who listens to me whine and offer me advice, and getting really angry for me when i tell her stuffs, and giving me new perspective.

for bec, who was always so responsible, looking after me in ways, being there, my four blocks away! bringing me around with her when i didn't want to stay home, when i wanted to talk, and oriental, i'll never forget.

for shiqi, whom i haven't met for the longest time, neither did we contact, save for birthdays and stuff like that. i was really damn touched when you got super worried for me and all, and how you remember what i told you and stuff like that.

for mabel, who was there whenever i needed someone to cry to, the person who calmed me down and talked to me. i've never ever thought we would get close again, and thank you dear for always thinking of me when you go out and all, for listening to all my troubles and tell me what to do and all.

for binghui, who always tries to listen to me, asking me if i'm okay, when he has shitloads of work to do, putting aside those mountains of work to talk to me. the one who got really upset when he 'can't do anything to help me' dear, being there for me is more then enough!

for sebas, who really is like the brother i've never had. who spent nearly a hundred bucks just to get me to a doctor last night. who bails me out when i'm in a jam, who listens to me whine endlessly, who's really there no matter what, at anytime. he's one of the people who really treat me the nicest! and i'm so glad that weiliang clicked us into that convo that one fine day on msn, back when i was secondary one.

for darren, who was there for me when i felt very shitty, who says i'm his best friend and all. though we've not been talking properly for quite sometime already, i do know that he'll always be there? and likewise, no matter what.

for my cousins, the two eves and one lois, for everything, everything.

forrrrrrr, all the people who said 'i'll be there for you, no matter what', and really did it. for all those who said '24/7!' who said 'i miss you! lets meet up!'

the ones who said 'no matter what i'll support you' and really meant it. not a 'for-the-moment' kind of thing. the ones who really want to see me, and who thinks that i'm worth something.

i love each and everyone of you. and don't forget that, ever.

throughout the whole issue with ______, i really felt loved, by you guys, and i won't give anyone of you up. not ever.

millions of hugs and all, swear! and if i forgot anyone, i didn't mean to, i think it's just that fever that's still running it's course. ):

xoxo
counting my blessings

ps:i really don't want to appear needy, but i guess that's all i've been portraying myself to be. but, i think i do deserve explanations. i do, i do.

fingerprints sold me out

There's some things we don't talk about
Rather do without
And just hold the smile
Falling in and out of love
Ashamed and proud of
Together all the while

You can never say never
Why we don't know when
Time and time again
Younger now than we were before

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go

-

cause we don't know what we want, though something in that equation proves perhaps that i can't do without you, in some ways.

when i thought i could be stronger, when i thought i could just not care, and i keep coming back to you. when they've said 'you should know better." and the words continue, disapproving, lamentations for my weakness, i keep coming back to you.

daddy and mummy screamed at me again, and all i recall is "i disapprove of all your friends!"

and mum said i'm heading towards becoming a prostitute because i sleep with guys and stay at guys houses, and asked where the little girl went to.

well, mum. she grew up. that's what happened. i'm never gonna be a prostitute. doubt i can either, so yeah. i'm gonna be a rich kid next time okay! ask M, she'll tell you!

so yeah. i guess there're too many things i wanna say.

andddd here's a thank you for mr.M. LOL. if you're reading this and you know who you are, thanks! if you don't then i guess you're dumb! (: thanks for listening and the advice.



kay off. byebye


xoxo
the one this heart wants

ps: no one else; my heart'll go six feet under for you.

i hate guys.

and i'm writing a letter to tell you exactly how i feel, and then some more, and it's not the 'oh i want you back i miss you' kind. FUCK.

ten things i hate about you. i topped miley cyrus.

SO THERE.

but whether i manage to give it to him is another thing. i think i'll prefer to @&$@*$)(@*! in his face myself. then we'll probably end up not talking forever. fuck one. and i'm those kind who won't remember if someone did something wrong to me, if i'm angry or what. not saying that i'm forgiving or what, i think it's just that i have a really bad memory for these kind, i bet if i can remember i'll be much better at arguing with someone when it comes to what they did wrong. forever losing my points about the whole thing then it will end up like i'm some retard who forgot that she's angry in the middle of a supposed quarrel. not only talking about recently. aiya fuck la. damn pissed off idk why moodswing i think.

oh ya dinner with the cousins was great. shall talk about it when i'm not so disgusted with myself. fucking turned off i swear.

ps: i decided to type it down. so so so so so much easier.


bye.

"on a tuesday, i am fading, and by wednesday i can't breathe."

did i mention i love love love love love my friends? each and everyone of you guys who make me feel so loved. really, i mean it, and i feel so much better now.

i think it's ironic that i keep telling people things that totally apply in my situation, and it makes total sense, but i just couldn't seem to put it down into my actions. i guess i

just put down the phone with M, and i've missed her too. both of us are so caught up in our own issues that we've hardly met up. so, perhaps meeting her for some coffee tomorrow, and i've a date with my lovely cousins too at town too! (: looking forward to it.

anyway, maybe some pictures tomorrow? hehe. i've no idea why i feel so good now. maybe it's my 'Friends' addiction. season 1 to 10! they crack me up every single time.

kay off to watch it then bed and school tomorrow.



xoxo
i'd want you to stay
here forever.

ps: once again, it's your call now. i miss you. :(:

38.4 point fever, bad headache and on and off cramps.

called ____. texted ____. i know it's annoying, pathetic and stupid. and i know i said i wouldn't.

in the past whenever i didn't feel well, just a few words of comfort from him would make me feel so much better.

but we're in the present now. )':

IMYSBIH

"bruised, tender; whisper your toxic nothings."

movie, and surprising presents from _______. three of em! well, thank you, i appreciate the thought.(: dinner at suki, but i only ate three slices of sashimi cause i didn't have much appetite somehow?

finally i caught my very first 3D show! (: no pictures though, not very comfortable with the idea of it.

cabbed home immediately after, and kept replaying __________.

i guess sometimes you have to learn how to let go, and give it time and space. if it's yours, it's yours, if you're meant to be, you will be. no use chasing after whatever, right? haha so says the wise people.

i have funny friends!

causse my current pm is "imysbih (go figure)"

and this happened:


Tay bhbhbhbhbhbh says (12:43 AM):
*i think i can figure out : )
*the pmmm
Johanna says (12:43 AM):
*haha what?
Johanna says (12:44 AM):
*imysbit
*whats that
*LOL bet you cant!

Tay bhbhbhbhbhbh says (12:45 AM):
*i miss you stupid big idiot head
*>.<


well,

Johanna says (12:48 AM):
*LOL.
*it means, i miss you so badly it hurts
*!!!!!



xoxo
sui ran bei fang qi,
sui ran wo yuan yi.

ps: not moving on, not trying to forget. rather, i'm waiting till they slowly fade off, or till a miracle happens.


edited:

Sam says (1:11 AM):
*i saw ur blog post
*the pm i tot of guessing
Sam says (1:12 AM):
*i miss your stupid butt in hell
*but i dun didnt mention tht
*cos i tot its surely wrong
*LOL

edited:

unicef ZoDdieee =) says (1:29 AM):
*haha
*nah its ok
*long time ago anyway
*imysbih
*is i miss you so bad
*wat does ih stand for?
*in heart?
Johanna says (1:30 AM):
*guess
*!
*unicef ZoDdieee =) says (1:30 AM):
*not in heart?
Johanna says (1:30 AM):
*nope
*unicef ZoDdieee =) says (1:30 AM):
*guess it must be his name
*h is honey?
Johanna says (1:32 AM):
*nopeee
*guess it in one full sentence!
*unicef ZoDdieee =) says (1:32 AM):
*imysb is correct so far right?
Johanna says (1:35 AM):
*yup!
*unicef ZoDdieee =) says (1:40 AM):
*nah i give up
*cant get it

and

cynthia says (1:48 AM):
*huh?
*lololol
*i miss you so
*i dunno wats bih
Johanna says (1:48 AM):
*haha guess then!
cynthia says (1:49 AM):
*i miss u so correct?
Johanna says (1:49 AM):
*yes
*!
cynthia says (1:50 AM):
*i miss you so bad i hate
*=.=
Johanna says (1:50 AM):
*-..-
*hhahaha close!
cynthia says (1:50 AM):
*i miss u so bad i heave
*lOLOLOLOLOL
Johanna says (1:51 AM):
*LOL.
*hmmm wait ah
cynthia says (1:51 AM):
*i miss u so bad i hurt
*COOL I GOT IT

Johanna says (1:51 AM):
*very very close
cynthia says (1:51 AM):
*argh
*irritating
Johanna says (1:51 AM):
*HAHA
cynthia says (1:52 AM):
*i miss u so bad i give up just tell me

i don't dare to sleep.

i hate nights like this. and i'm lying here in the dark. thank God for the company.

and tomorrow's a nightmare. i don't know what i'm doing, why i'm going. but it's too late to back out now.

i just.....

i just want to hug you to sleep, hear all your weird noises when you go to bed, wake up to see you beside me.


aiya shut the fuck up la johanna teo.

sickening, making me irritated only.

lollol. you and me both, baby. you and me both.


i love my friends and my cousins.

but i love you more, in a different way.