dearest,

i've always thought that maybe, just maybe. he didn't matter as much as before, and it's true in more ways than one.

it's been easier than most times to just shut myself away into my head, and refuse to speak just because i got mad about certain issues that i deemed way too hard to get him to understand.

like what happened last night, just because it happened a few months back doesn't mean that it doesn't matter now, or that i shouldn't have went on an emotional frenzy like what i did. it doesn't make up for the fact that you're a changed person now, and it had nothing to do with trust.

granted, it might have been a small issue, but it was only seemingly diminished in size because of how long ago it all was. likewise, nothing can make up for the fact that this is something i'd remember and take to heart; to guard myself with at every point.

but perhaps a relationship should mean more than that. it was so easy to just call it quits; the words were nearly out of my mouth. however somehow they stopped short, on the tip of my tongue. perhaps our relationship means more to me now than ever before, and to you too.

cause it stopped me from walking out that door, and i think it made you realize many things about me, and about the dynamics of our relationship.

somehow after all these months, the foundation has become more solid, much stronger than before. we've come to understand each other, and we're getting to know each other more and more each day, as friends, as lovers.

today marks the first day of his sailing, a solid week of his absence from my side. perhaps i've grown too used, again to his presence near mine. to be honest i miss him already, and it sickens me somewhere deep down. strangely enough however, that same disgust is something i gather strength from, but i can't understand that contradiction fully, not yet at least.

my emotions still seem to be hidden away in the pit that i've dug and covered up with solid mind cement. cracks are coming through though, i feel them at times, strong feelings that make me want to cry and scream at the same time.

it's funny how you can interpret chunks of text differently, depending on what you're going through. we all could take a little something from everything if we wanted to, and i'm gonna milk this experience for all it's worth.

all or nothing? i keep coming back to you, love. and i do, despite everything; love you, i mean.


xoxo
faith.