Dreamer

something about this cycle makes me feel so damn sick. break up patch up break up patch up. it makes me feel..... totally void of emotions after awhile.

yes i cry, yes i still 'love' him. but what's there to love about someone who does this over and over again? no matter how much it is my fault, it shouldn't be this way.

i'm not that kind of little woman, not the girl that is obedient, or soft spoken, or one who doesn't flare up, and i'm not very known for my patience either. i can try to be, but that's not me.

i like to have fun, i want to do things that people don't allow me to just because i can, i have problems with being punctual, i put my feet up cross-legged whenever i get the chance to, i cuss and swear all the time, and i'm prone to rash acts when my temper gets the better of me. those aren't good attributes at all, but those things are what makes me, me.

love me for who i am. not who you want me to be, please.

and yet, each time i let myself get sucked back in, simply because 'i still love him'. i wonder when it'll all end, for good.

each time this comes around, it's a stab to an already dead heart.

worth loving? ironic, since this is the question everybody posed to me.

too bad, if someone else takes my place? well, too bad for you if someone else takes yours. and i mean it. or perhaps it's just the fever talking.

been sick in bed for the past few days or so. throat's killing me, and it seems like every time something happens to me regarding my relationships, i fall sick and feel even worse. fuck my life much?

i'm..... confused. really confused. about what i want, who i want, and where this is going.

i'd hate to say goodbye, but at the same time, i'd love to if only to prevent any more tears shed, heartbreak.

maybe this time it'd be different, maybe this time..... i won't be waiting anymore.

so many maybes, and only one which requires actually willpower and strength. today's the 20th.

happy 1 year and 2 months. or not.

i will change, and i swear to God i already am, changing. however, Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was it built in two months or so. these things take time.....

so so many problems, so so little time. going back to bed. at least i'll have a 50% chance of having a good dream. gnight whoever!



xoxo
pleasantries