not growing old.

sometimes it's so damn sad to chance upon blogs and people posting about how they miss some things about the past. i feel that way too, and i know everyone does, now and again.

though things might be better off like that, really, i can't help wishing that maybe we could walk back to how we were, how things were.

in secondary school, it seemed simpler. and i'm not as oblivious and naive as i was back then. yeah, i didn't have as many friends, but i felt safe, more often than not. yes, there were bitchy moments, but at the end of the day, everyone were just..... friends? like nowadays when i meet people i wasn't close to but knew by sight, i'd instantly get happier cause it's like 'hey! you're from holy too!'

though i'm content with the friends i have now, i do reminisce about the past, when i truly, truly held the friends i had as close to my heart like any other. it's not that i don't hold my close ones dear now, but growing up and getting past certain experiences meant that i'd never allow myself to hurt that way again?

but after speaking with Bec about this topic earlier on, i realized so many more things that i've been pushing back. heart's growing heavy with an ache different from heartbreak. it's more of a..... sour mourning? for friends who come and go, friends who were once so damn close, and of friends who appear to be lesser than what they mean.

i told Bec, 'we have to learn how to be content and appreciate the people around us', and it's true. she replied me with 'but it's human nature to be ambitious and want more'. perhaps people wouldn't fully understand what we're talking about, but she's right too. it's so hard grasping the concept of being content with who you are and what you have, and at the same time striving for something better.

but i guess it's harder to make genuine relationships with people as you grow older? for me, it really feels that way. though i'm happy that i made really good friends after i graduated from secondary school. wasn't expecting any though, and i'm really happy i did. (:

nowadays the faces i see, faces we meet and greet, these faces hold so much of their own secrets, their own memories, and only a portion of what they let us know, we find out. we never really truly find out how a person truly is, more often not than the other. we only know a little of the past, so much of the present, and maybe what's to come in the future. it's harder to truly see everything of how a person can be, only as much as what they allow us to.

sincerity is scarce, it's something that should be treasured. but sometimes, it's also hard facing strangers with that open sincerity instead of the slightest guarded wariness that comes with experience.

it's always so much easier building up walls, than tearing them down. isn't it?



x
the one that truly knows.