"tantamount to losing you"
oh God.
it's happening again. again. again. again. again.
i'm not going to be able to keep this up any longer. the heart can't take too many blows, to lose the person who meant the most, because his heart is weary.
little reassurances is tantamount to being the sweetest things i'll want to expect from someone who was supposed to hold my heart and keep it well. lowering the expectations to only the most basic 'i love you's, when previously everything was expected, is one of the most pathetic things in the world, especially when i'm a girl who'd want a boyfriend who'd give me his last breath.
all that was needed was the sincerity, and why does it always seem that it's him who walks further and faster away ; from the heart whom you were supposed to be walking away from?
the hardest part is always looking at the times when it was the happiest. i'd hate to compare anything, if anything to show how pathetic i'd have become, to take every word you say in regards of your feelings towards me, as something to be happy of, to have to treasure what others would normally take for granted.
to have to utter words like 'don't leave me' as the last desperation, to hear words taking the shape of the end that you wouldn't want to come; i've let myself sink too low.
hold your head high heavy heart. i've only myself to blame for letting myself come to this.
too many questions why, why why why why. unanswered if only by those unwilling lips, to whom holds all the answers.
i'm asking myself why i'm allowing myself to be like this, to be so unlike the girl i once was. before the walls came down, and before he came through.
God, i can't stop crying. can you please let me magically not like him? please? i'll do almost anything. i hate him i hate him i hate him.
people will say 'i told you so', and judge it for other reasons, and i'd try to defend. the words of reassurance came too late from you, when it's your mind who's made up.
i'm tired too. of having to chase up, to be afraid. i'll take this time to re-adjust, to not hope for anything more.
i'd not want words of solace, to not want to hear words of truth, to not want to be comforted, to just pretend that i've never had him, to just not want to know that i'm fucking vulnerable to this one person.
part of me is indignant, the one who knows that i'm still okay, or rather, will be okay. the side of me that's furiously telling the other part that i don't need him to survive, to ask myself why i have to play the part of a hapless typical woman who needs a guy.
to be told to get some good sleep, in the most ironic way that it came from the person who causes your insomnia, just like in all the ways life is ironic now.
to be weak willed, but know in the truest of all natures that you could just harden your heart to mine.
you never bared your heart to me either. not truly.
it's always the nights that are the hardest, the hours that are the longest.
am not going to contact anyone because this is how i'm going to be strong, to make myself strong so that i'll never be so helpless again.
shall go get myself busy with other things. God, please let everything be in the best way possible.
and please let the hours fly past till morning comes.
xoxo
i miss you already.
ps: i'm fine i will be fine. i must be fine.
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