i guess it's finally getting that want to leave you behind that's truly exhilarating.

goodbye love. i'm gonna live my new life now.

i wanna thank this idiot over here, one of my bestest. for scolding me.

he said, "Joh, he doesn't love you. if he did, he'll be the one talking to you now, not me. he doesn't love you, if he did he'll be the one consoling you. he doesn't love you lah he doesn't even give a damn that you're wasting all these tears for him lah! he doesn't deserve it lah?! that @(@*)%@)" etc etc.

cried even harder when he told me that, and i kept begging him to ask him to say that to me over the phone, and like sobbing and sobbing and whining and whining.....

asked Bh to repeat it three times, and he dutifully did, and i think it sank home. cause no matter what i'd still tell myself that he really does love me, somewhere deep down. and that's so fucking stupid yknow, cause just cause i still remember him and love him, doesn't mean that he feels the same way. and obviously he doesn't.

so, thank you Binghui! and i'm sorry i made you feel so fucked up seeing me like that. you were right. you guys will always be there for me, and he won't. he just came into my life for one year, i'm not gonna fuck up the rest of my life cause of that one year.

and like those passer bys said, if we're meant to be, we'll be together again. yeah maybe words of comfort like some beacon of hope thing, but still i'm determined to make myself better. it's gonna be damn hard, but i've got to get my foot out of this hole at least. and take it one step at a time.

there's really no point looking back, thinking and crying. it just makes me seem all the more pathetic, and it's just heartbreak. it really just is heartbreak. and i've got so much more going on for me in life, no?

i'll be better. no, i'll be the best.

just you wait, i'll get over you. and if that day comes where you find out that you still love me. MUWAHAHAH. (okay lah delusional, but let me have my fun) HAHAHA. okay, when you find out you still love me i'll totally say 'too late,what's the point?!?!?!" HAHAHAH. okay i so totally won't. but i really do hope i'll get a move on soon.

kay bye. park lane i think? and i'll look like shit with swollen eyes. tsk sigh sigh sigh sigh.


xoxo
starts with goodbye.

ps: holding what i have left and leaving with my head held high. byebyebyebyebye.

synchronization

okay it's scary how someone else's life seems to be going in sync with my own. Cyn should know what i mean.....?

even with all the lose control parts, and the fucked up over other people getting fucked up parts.

okay, so Bugis with the Twins and their friends > Fortune Tellers Place with _____ > Kovan with Binghui, Carson and Edwin > Carson's place till morning > R.Plaza for breakfast > Home.

the first thing he told me when i sat down, was 'You have trouble sleeping at night right?' and i was like O.O 'How you know?! Saw my eyebags ah.' -..-

and he said i always wake up during the night, and can't really sleep for long etc, etc. which is totally true, look at all the timings on my blog posts for evidence!

so yeah, am supposed to get something blessed by the Church so that i can sleep easily? cause supposedly i'm more prone to..... yeah. but i really hope i can sleep properly luh. i think last night at Carson's was the first time i could sleep so well; like totally dreamless sleep all the way, or rather dreams i can't really remember, totally uninterrupted.

cause normally my dreams will be damn vivid and be about stuff going on in my life or some weird stuff blabla though nothing unpleasant, and i'll wake up feeling very tired and like i haven't really slept or worse wake up with a headache. sucks i need pills but no one else is willing to get them for me.

oh yeah and he took a look at my palms and said my love life ain't very good for now cause it looks very messy. think he couldn't comment much about it, but he said that i'm still young, and my r/s will consist of many quarrels blabla. and he said that my heart is in a mess too, and confused; said i've to know what/who my heart really wants? loose interpretation. oh and he said my temper isn't good and that i'm petty.

HAHA okay i think i AM petty in some ways, but i hardly get angry, like really really angry, unless it's concerning A? but yeah i think i'm petty when it comes to basic human behavior blahblah.....

kinda broke down yesterday at Kovan. i really don't know what's my point in doing anything yknow. i mean in regards to ______. i know i'm supposed to be moving in another direction but i just keep going back.....

and i say the most pathetic sounding things to him, like 'i miss you'. yeah what's the point? but it makes the world of a difference, to me at least.

okay shall stop blabbering and catch some zzzzzs. tired, plus have to make a trip down to MDIS later. and fuck it la, my msn isn't working again!


xoxo
cause when i'm with him,
i am thinking of you.

ps: you don't know how fucked up and shitty it feels to be me right now, simply because you couldn't care less about me anymore. i wish you knew how it felt like for a day, so maybe you could appreciate me a little more.

"to breathe, to think."

9:41 am. can't sleep, watched Hannah Montana online. weirdly enough i find myself enjoying it. contrary to all the comments on her i think she's a good girl deep down?

oh yeah and i luv Selena Gomez btw.....

feel like tagging along with my sisters to go shop. hahahaha, but first i've to collect my books from MDIS, then meeting _____ at 8-ish to go to the fortune teller.

i've no idea why i keep acting like such a bitch to him yknow. and in the end he comes and apologizes when i was the one who made him flare up in the first place. i guess he just reminds me of all those really typical guys and it makes me kind of sick? but i know he's a nice guy.. and i know i can be so much nicer and more pleasant and stuff like that. though i really can't bring myself to be sweet. like turns me off totally. hahahahaha.

but i don't think it really matters? cause i guess to the both of us we're just wasting time.....? idk.

like what Dweepy runaway kid said, "Life is a joke!" but i told him that Life isn't the joke, humans are! and you can't blame Life for it.

i think i have way too many thoughts banging around in my head. and now my head hurts like fuck; been having trouble sleeping for the past few months and this headache has been running on and off plus i've developed a sore throat thanks to idiotically choking on smoke. -..- (Bh it's not your fault i just wanted to complain hahahahaha)

okayyyyyy i wanna shop, and i shall do so later.

head hurts, i'm a mess. help.....?


xoxo
look at you, you sad little thing.

ps: won't you make it easier by loving me back too?

turn the other cheek and erase you.

isn't it funny how after all these time, we've sunk back into it.. the giving of hearts and crying over it later.

doesn't get more ironic than this, i think; cause i'm acting so fucked up to others and yet acting like them to him. yknow i really wanna burst out yelling, 'i'm not like the others don't treat me like other girls i don't know why i'm so hung up over you i don't know why i cry over you you don't give me any reason to you aren't anyone but my ex boyfriend.'

and i wanna tell him i'm not some desperate shit i don't know why i'm taking that initiative to go talk to him again aren't i supposed to leave it behind? and what happened to wanting to improve myself fuck macdonalds fuck lays. fuck it fuck it.

why can't i just go along with anyone who comes my way, why'd my heart still gotta be so picky why can't i just like someone else already.....? it's so damned annoying, i feel like screaming 'get your claws off him bitcheszxzxzzxzxzxzx!' but fuck it it's him it's him. and it's so pathetic feeling jealous over someone you don't even know.....

fuck it lah when my heart recovers i swear..... i'm gonna put a lock on it, seal it shut with super strength elephant glue yknow that fucking sticky one.

i'm sick of typing down my thoughts cause my emo shit ones are all about him, why do i even want him to be sad cause of me?????? swear i'm going a little nuts why can't i sleeeeeeeep.....?

Katy Perry's 'Thinking of You' is going on in my head now. wtfffh.

and yknow i know that i'm not even fucking sad over him or what anymore, it's just that at times i really do feel sad from missing him and from how we turned out. and sometimes i do have that 'i feel like calling him and telling him i want him back' urge. hahahaha and if i say it out loud people will give me a 'wtf?!' look and start saying 'move one laaaaaa' like okay i know ..... i know.....

i know i'm sort of happier off not being in a relationship cause there aren't any restrictions, i'm free to go out with whomever i like, as late as i please, to any venue i want, do whatever, talk to anyone of my friends without feeling guilty or afraid, etc. but yknow, i just miss him. but i don't know what i miss about him. that's the weird part.

it's..... idk. gets me a tad pissed off when i hear about the part where freedom was an issue, cause fuck it la, look at yourself and your situation, then come and look at me and mine. why did it seem like you could do things you wanted and i couldn't? but maybe not to that extent either, cause afterall it's really different perspectives.

i don't wanna understand his points cause he won't ever try to understand mine, or where i'm coming from. or rather, came from. but he really should have tried. or maybe he did and i didn't see it.

aiya shut up time i'm just rambling on. 6:45 am. shall sleep in awhile and wake up to study. today shall be 'stay at home day'.

and seeing the fortune teller with _____ tomorrow, and maybe outing with Bec? not sure too. >< tomorrow, tomorrow.

i feel like such a bitch, seriously. oh wellszx.



oh ya today i backstabbed someone. i feel guilty. like seriously.



xoxo
i... you.

ps: respond. respond. respond. respond. respond.

what about today?

"to the left to the left, everything you own in the box to the left"

OH HIIIIII PEOPLE!

i'm in a good mood today, or rather now. -..- overslept and was damn stupid otw to John's. anyway, mahjong-ed, and i won 6 bucks! claps* oh not to mention i fang-paoed 2 times man tai and one 3/4 tai? and we only played one pok -..- okay bo liao skip!!!!!

John's father is damn nice i swear, and the way he complains about him is damn funny.

loading Wizards of Waverly Place the Movie, and nearly through it. damn nice, got me tearing though it's not really very exciting or what. but..... family issues! and Selena Gomez is so so pretty.....

ANYWAY, photos from yesterday! Binghui looks like Chen Hen Wei!











look at uhhhh... Jerome, Jfat, and Leo? in the background:





in the bus:



hahahahaha wtf gross i look like i wanna lick him. but i'm just showing off my tongue. (okay not really)



and one from a few nights before, with Ben and co.:




hahahaha toilet mirror shot fucked up hate those angles but okayyyy shutup.

bad headache my eyes are tearing up. stomach kept acting up just now during mahjong and i kept going 'AHHHHHH...... *groans* ba tong...." *random tile.

wanna dieeeeet and haiiiiirrrr grow leiiiiiiii! .

oh yeah was discussing with Joey about tumblr, and how tumblr has just become a site for reblogging? like in almost every tumblog you see pictures after pictures after pictures, and some quotes and songs blabla. i mean, isn't it a place for you to put down your thoughts as well?

i mean it's nice to have pictures and all, but for what when you're just posting up too many pictures? lolz.

and i find people who create fake names for themselves a little funny. i mean, maybe it's the way too many people have been doing it; thinking up all those quirky names and putting it on Fb and all that.. guess i just dislike the way everybody hops on the bandwagon of the latest fad. (not insulting anyone here, i'm.just.saying.)

but i guess everyone follows fads, including myself! cause i'm absolutely in luv with fashion though i've no $$$$$ to keep up with it, and instead just have to make do..... trust me if i had a choice, i'd have at least ten wardrobes and a million shoes/bags/accessories etc, but due to financial constraints i've got to make do with two. or rather, one. fucking sad i tell you.....

which reminds me, i wanna work! sigh. but no time + school..... ooh yeah which again reminds me, i've to go study! or not.

kay bye!


xoxo
tug on my heartstrings

ps: i don't know what i'm doing; i chose to swim, cause sinking wasn't an option. and now i'm struggling to tread water as my strength's wearing thin. i don't know what i'm doing..... don't break my heart again, please don't.

maybe it's just me

"the way we were"

amazingly i survived a day out without sleeping! (okay i cheated. half an hour napping in that studio place.....)

spontaneous trip to TP; decided to meet up with Binghui and kill my boredom and insomnia by hanging around doing nothing, but supposedly 'studying'.....

fucking tired now, swear. my mind's in a daze now and all i feel like doing is sleeping. see i can't even form proper sounding sentences and i'm typing weird looking words too.

after Tp > Karen's place to pass her stuff > Joe's Corner > Home.

today has been an exhausting day, though it was nice meeting new people, and analyzing them after. quizzed them on that relationship psychology test i took yesterday, and the answers were quite funny, some?

and heard ghost stories from Leo, i really like the way he talks and expresses himself, cause it's really very vivid and i can totally imagine the whole scenes play out as he describes what went on, plus he's one of the few people who maintain eye contact.

-.-

i wanna c-c-c-c-club!

got annoyed with a lot of stuff today too, flared up at small matters, think i don't take other people that seriously anymore. guys especially.

we watched best of gore today. omg besttttt..... made me feel quite sick actually. guts and brains and all spilling out on pavements, autopsies, executions, skulls cracked open..... cooooooool right, but i really don't want to end up like that.

okay shall go catch some zzzzz's. mahjong tomorrow i think? else it'll be lying on my bed K.O-ing till maybe the day after. hahahaha, yes that's how tired i am.

photos up asap.



xoxo
i don't have anything to hide.

ps: everything, everything. i wonder what it was.