is it possible to be happy and yet so miserable at the same time?

and i know it's for the best but it's not making it any easier, this process of trying to let go. so many memories, little ones, big ones, happy ones, sad ones. i remember them all.

wonder if you think of me, wonder if you've moved on, wonder why it ended like it did, wonder when i'll stop thinking of you, wonder when i'll stop trying to catch glimpses of you in other guys, wonder when i can say that i don't love you anymore and mean it.

its so tough. i just wanna run back to you and beg plead cry and try any other way to get us back. wanted to pick up the phone to text/call you but i stopped myself.

remembered what you said to me. remembered what you posted on your facebook. so big and clear. obviously i mean nothing.

head hurts, should be studying for my exam but i can't stop the waterworks. always the wrong fucking timing.

wanted to console myself saying 'he won't forget you so easily', 'he will think of you one la', etc. but there's always that little voice in my head saying 'you know he won't'

always knew you better than i knew myself.

goodnight, whereever you are.

K told me, i'll only really be over him when i see him with another girl, but i'm so afraid of what will happen to myself if i do. seeing him hold another girls hand calling her whatever smiling bcause of her.

fuck i'm pathetic.

Resolutions

happy new year people! i hope that 2011 will be so much better than the last year and that the years after will be even better! for people who have had a shitty 2010, don't blame the year! blame the people that made it shitty for you. hahahahaha cause i always thought it was unfair to blame the year/day/month etc, when it's not really any fault of theirs. and YES  i'm not weird cause i refered to them as they or whatsoever. heh

okay so i'm gonna start doing something that Cyn's being doing for a few years now: start a new years resolution thingy (yes, i'm so jumping on the bandwagon here. though i suck at jumping). gonna put some up here, and some private.

• Keep a healthy diet/lifestyle + Exercise
• Be more decisive 
• Have an actual amount of savings
• Be the best i can be to the people around me 
• Instill Discipline in myself
• Be punctual
• Finish my unfinished business with Cyn  (LOL) 
• Swear off guys

yes, i meant the last one. no, i'm not turning lesbian, but i guess i'm just not..... ready for anything else? noticed a trend in rebound relationships and i really don't wanna become like that? it's kinda exciting really, embracing this feeling like i'm really alone now. hmm. must be how a baby feels after it gets cut off the umbilical cord? don't know how i'll survive but i'm sure i'll do fine. there are many many weak moments when i just..... break and there will be many more to come but there's nothing i can do? so ima take it like a man. it's scary though. real scary, and i miss him like you wouldn't believe, but yeah. that's all there is to it.

my 'Keep a healthy diet/lifestyle + exercise' one was because i'm getting so..... jiggly it's not funny. soon i'll be the beanbag that @beanbaghunter and @zyrants hunts. which is not good. plus i made daddy promise me we'll keep a healthy lifestyle so hopefully we can both lose some weight the healthy way! no more junk food late at night etc etc. though i'm going to meet Bec soon @R.plaza soon HAHA

The rest are pretty self-explanatory, like having savings cause it's always good to save for a rainy day plus not spend on unneeded stuff, being more decisive cause i'm one of the worst decision makers EVER. offer me a choice and i'll usually be stuck on it for ages, or leave others to decide for me when i really can't decide. Be the best i can be to people around me because i realize that sometimes i'm really not the best person to be around? like in the mornings when i'm grumpy or whenever, i'll resolve to be nicer and less grumpy and anything that is covered inside the whole thing there. Have to instill discipline cause i suck at being disciplined and all the consequences are coming back to haunt me. Ew. so yeah, have to be disciplined. Be punctual cause i'm always late and that's really a horrible habit. though i still believe that good things are worth waiting for, it's not really that nice to keep people waiting.

speaking of which, i think Bec's heading over. shall stick to my New Years Resolution and NOT.BE.LATE.

hehe toodles!


xoxo
 

NYE.

A new year is gonna be ringing in in a few hours time. probably like 11 hours or something. my math is still as bad as the years before this.

i guess my year has been pretty uneventful? at least i can't remember much significant stuff that happened.

studies - still the same? LOL stuck in that whole..... fucked up thing tho things are slowly improving. trying to get the hang of that whole discipline thing and getting my priorities straight. met some pretty awesome people in my new class this year and i love them to bits. hehe

family - pretty much still the same, tho i'm on better terms with my parents nowadays? things were pretty fucked in the past cause i totally disregarded them and kept staying out blablablablabla. i've learnt to account to them about my whereabouts and schedule, and they're quite okay with it when i say i'm gonna head to a club or go 'drinking' (since i don't/can't drink) tho they still add the whole 'don't come back too late, better be careful' etc kinda thing. but all things considered i think i've learnt that they'll be there for me no matter what. like my sisters, who called me yesterday when they were just outside my door cause apparently they heard me crying and offered me hugs and words like 'don't cry already la. if you have one dollar for every tear you've shed you'd be rich by now' and needless to say i've really grown to appreciate all the care and love they heap onto me by the truckload. not that i didn't before, i just do more than ever now. hahahahaha

friends - made some new ones, grew closer to the ones i already had. had more quarrels with some of them more than usual but i guess that's just a process of growing closer? really thankful for how i keep meeting really good people who become really good friends. and how the old ones just keep getting better every time. hahahahaha sounds like a beer ad. i love you guys! been there for me every single time i felt down or unhappy, and making sure i'm alright, that i'm not alone, listening to all my shit etc. thank each and every one of you so so much. and i'm sorry if i'm an ass sometimes. (SOMETIMES) hehe i know you guys will still love me rightttttttt? blinks*

love life - it's like the same as the previous two years. things are at a standstill now and i've no idea where to go from here. i used to think that things could get better, but we've seemed to reach an impasse, neither sides willing to back down from where we stand. it's not easy saying goodbye and i wish i don't have to. really really don't, but everything's so unsure, we're just hanging precariously. even so, i've realized this year that if he wants to put his mind to it to really treat me good, he can. but that's something that should come from within and not a decision? at least that's how it is for me. i screwed things up by doing things rashly but maybe it's all for the best? i don't know. very very confused about this and it's so frustrating. in the new year i hope things will be different, for the best.

me - this year i've learnt that i actually get scared? of growing up, of responsibilities, of commitments. i shy away and i avoid. i've learnt that i'm actually more screwed than i already am, but i'm trying to figure things all out. learnt that there ARE consequences no matter how much you run away from them and they'll just slowly sneak up onto you. learnt that sometimes you have to do things that you don't want to no matter how tough it is. haven't learnt how to let go, nor conquer my fear of saying goodbye. not yet. realized i don't know myself.

okay fuck duffy just chewed on my chouchou till the cotton came out ): immediately started crying. fuck so symbolic.

don't feel like blogging already bye

baby you've got me bad.

Christmas

it's nearing christmas, and i don't feel a tinge of christmas spirit and all. it's a pity, cause christmas is one of my favourite holidays. i love christmas trees, twinkly lights and sparkly decorations all over and the 'spirit of giving' yeah, i like that the most.

i wish christmas hasn't become so commercialized. i wish everyone i love could just gather together and we'd have one of the best christmases ever.

when i was younger, the christmas tree would be set up, and there'd be actual gifts below it on the floor which we'd open excitedly on boxing day. nowadays its more..... cost and time effecient.

i wish christmas would be really great this year.


xoxo

ps: i recieved my first christmas present in one of the sweetest ways ever. thank you, you if you're reading this. even though i've already thanked you before. :D

so, school is 'over'. we're currently on the last study break we have before exams come and we have to hand in our graduating project. i really will miss school, even though its killer to have to wake up 'early' and be on time. 'training' for discipline actually, i never really had that kind of training. thank God for people like Denise and Yongwen, who woke me up every single day and made sure i got to school on time and even coming to school on days they feel like skipping. heh i love you guys!

felt like posting up photos, but i really don't feel like it now. >< okay i shall come back to edit soon. heh.

x

Frozen

 

so that's it folks, i'm officially, forever 18. there will be only 18 candles on my birthday cakes from now on. HAHA i'm not in denial. i just don't want to face the truth.