exhausted.

may switch back to LJ soon, wtf is wrong with Blogger man?!

anyway, caught the Perseid Meteor shower! went to Ponggol (sp) End, sat there totally bored. met three new people randomly, Gary, Wilson and Basil. played cards, crapped, and got bitten by mozzies. didn't see any, though one of them claimed there were.

gave up around three to four-ish in the morning, and went to Jalan Kayu to eat. after that, we headed to Wilson's place (HE HAS A FAT CAT!) and we spent the rest of the night at the basketball court, with his guitar and Gary's DSLR. they can play damn well luh!

we already gave up on catching any, but suddenly someone caught sight of a meteor. so amazingly i still managed to see my very first meteor/shooting star thingy, doubt it's a shooting star but i wished on it anyway. caught some more, and it was super cool, but it's literally over in less than a second kind!

anyway, guess tonight made me realize something, but..... gah.

thinking about him, about my life, about future stuff, about where i'm headed, and wondering what i'm fighting for when there's so much out there. the frog in the well, isn't it about time to jump out?

heart > mind, mind > heart. it's a difficult choice, and without any other options i'll just sink back in.

and so what am i fighting for, exactly?

honestly i do know the odds of it, and how fucked up i am by wanting to put myself through more of this shit. and yet i keep choosing to.

i wish my feelings could fade that easily. i wish we could trade places. then he'll know what i'm feeling and i could know what he's feeling. and maybe then he'll understand why i'm fighting so hard to get him to see the point, and he'll see how fucking tiring it is.

words fucking hurt me, they shot right through, though i know it's the truth.

how many people have told me to give up, to let go. said a lot of things, like he's not worth it, you'll find someone better, or there's no point, it'll just happen over again.

but why would it if effort is put in, true effort to want to make things right? it's so hard, and i'm so tired. and i feel so fucking selfish, cause part of love should be about wanting the person to be happy right? and yet i know he could be happier. with me, because i think he was. during those happy times when issues didn't crop up, playfighting, watching dvds together, sushi, outings, and i remember the time he picked me up from school. sweating and tired, walking from queenstown mrt and nearly getting lost. saw him standing outside in his navy uniform, and that bag. the sweetest.

maybe part of me will regret. typing this, but it's just taking me on a whim. i just wish i can't feel anything anymore. i really do. i hate that feeling like something's gripping my heart so tightly it's causing my stomach to flip out, and i try to calm myself, but it doesn't get any better.

i hate sleepless nights cause there's a lot of time to think about everything, i hate it when i start to feel insecure but i know i'm not, but how can i be secure when i don't even know where his fucking heart is? when 'the right to move on' is reserved, and i've to take it swallow it choke on it bitch!

i'm not complain i'm not whining don't say i am i'm just freaking out a little. cause i've been trying to keep my cool, calm and collected. just wanna scream can't even do that properly and those fucking tears don't come anymore it's just one solid piece of ice cold cold cold cold cold.

how could he want me so much one year ago, and how can i want him so much now?! things are so different, so fucking hell different. yeah ask myself, i know. but it takes two hands to clap..... doesn't it? now when i'm making the most effort, tried the hardest, it's like searching for a needle in a haystack, like taking blood from a stone, trying to push away the great wall of China. i can't do it, i can't do it. clap with me won't you please?

cause i know we can be so much better. i know it, i swear deep down. just at least TRY. don't people get sick of all the other people? running through them one by one, one by one. i don't even think i can have another boyfriend, and supposedly another one is coming along for him?! FUCK. i'm amazed i swear.

i can't breathe, i think i'm gonna get wrinkles from all the frowns. i don't want this heart anymore it hurts it hurts get it away from me.....

or make me happy.

please? pretty please?

i promise i'll be a good girl. i promise i'll be a good girlfriend, i promise, no more showing of attitudes, no more doing things he don't like. i swear i won't cut myself i swear i won't smoke i swear i won't go clubbing i won't borrow anymore money from others i won't argue with my parents i'll go to school i'll go to school. i promise i won't talk to guys that don't matter..... pathetic dog, you.

feel like i'm drunk. Lord, save me. one more. one more.

))))): like the lyrics, 'i can't unlove you, can't do it no matter how i try, i'll never turn my back on, someone who loves me too.' does he does he? HA i don't even know for sure doubt he knows either. cause it's always logic > heart.

and i don't wanna take initiative anymore..... cries * Daddy, save me.....

feels like i'm drowning and the shore is a thousand miles away. like how Vanessa Carlton would, walk a thousand miles. i'd do too.

honestly i hate who i've become. weak, spineless.

and yet i know i've become a better person then who i was in the past, in a way. and i feel so screwed up.....

i think i need sleep.



goodnight.


xoxo

ps: i hope you meant what you said, working it out takes the two of us. the.two.of.us. i can't do it alone.....