on my knees

"nice to know your heart"

am at mabel's. unable to gamble because of the fact that i have no cash on me.

am in a foul mood NOW, cause of ______. what the xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

swear, i'm not in a good mood.

guess some comparisons can't be taken into consideration because of gender differences. but i mean, some stuff are really taken too much for granted that 'it's because you're a girl!", and thats why i'm unable to do some stuff.

yes, granted those stuff are bad for me, but frankly speaking if its a good thing, then will i be not allowed to do it , "just cause i'm a girl?" alright i guess i don't make much sense, do i?

fuck this. kinda sick of it all, and that emotional vomit is all gnawing at me, threatening to be purged unwillingly.

perhaps it's cause of all the ___________ xxxx that's been going on. pressure mounting and . forget it i don't feel like blogging anymore.

oh yeah but before i go, pictures in the next post or whatever, when i get to edit them.


xoxo
pressure till it's breaking.

ps: i'm sorry. i know you're trying too, in your way. ily.

feel like you're caught up

"asking why why why"

alright, so i'm at john's place for some hardcore mahjong (: alright perhaps not so hardcore.

anywayyyyy. was supposed to be off at the grand biatch's place for tile action, but uh it got cancelled in the end cause bryan couldn't make it? yuppppp.

went to drinkers and that lao ban was super generous. mingkang is in the background pondering "na ge lao ban dong what he's doing ma?" reason being that the boss shelled out $45 bucks for nothing, to pay for our bill of $74. oh yes he did say that it was our "ang bao", and i was uh eyeing the stack of $50s and $10s in his hand ><

but unfortunatelyyyyyyyyyy, my dream didn't come true. hahahahaha.

took some photos and so they'll be up soon i guess? Mk has a cameo role in almost every shot. HAHA see whose the true cam whore hur?

:D

big head just ratted on me. yay and i recieved a compliment from mk :D

sigh. am still in a dilemma as to what to do about the whole academic situation. mk wants a starring role in this blog post today too cause he keeps commenting, latest comment being 'ya right' to what i just said, and 'just quit school lah' to what i said before.

alright, mahjong time! wish me all the best of good luck yo! cause big head says that i shouldn't gamble when i'm having my period.

okayyyy it's not true right?

kay. 'ta fuckers!


xoxo
wow zozo.

ps: zozo being how mk pronounces it and he just told me "damn you stop it its zzzooo zoooo." -..- okay shut up .

debarredddddddd.

wtf. what the fuck. what . the . fuck. ? ! ? !

lol why am i not bloody surprised? i believe in the 'ignorance is bliss' thing, but for now since i know what i know, i'll let him be the one who lives in bliss.

for now.

keeping your own secrets

"she's got her own thing"

ssssssssss

okay, so today was the second day of the new year, and hooray for all the money collected. went over to evelyn chang's place after jeremy's, and it was camwhoring all the way.

nice times spent with the family, and it's kinda heartwarming and yet scary at the same time to see how my cousins have changed (grown taller, become prettier/handsome etc.)

sigh. and i've become older too! 18 this year, when it was 17 the last. gasp* the big 20 is coming sooooon. >< ):

but yeah since i'm 18 this year i've got to start being mature and responsible, like how i've been saying i will become. i guess in ways i've become more mature, and perhaps a tad more responsible since the past year.

he's not coming over, again. much more emphasis on again this time. oh well, i think i'm super used to it already, though that same disappointment doesn't go away.

tsk. heheeeeeeeee. never mind never mind.

anyway, i've got a new plan in mind to keep myself busy busy busy busy busy as a beeeeeeeee. -..-

but i'm .....

saddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd ):

ah suck it up bitch.




xoxo
till i get over you

ps: hold it in till it bursts.

new blog skin

new blog skin. been wanting to change the previous one since forever, but i never really got down to it. am well aware that i'm choosing one of the worst times to change it since there's going to be a horrendously long day ahead later on, but at least i've done something productive.

white skin this time, to soothe my troubled soul. -..-

'ta

the wrong kind of notion

"today won't mean a thing"

ohhhhh, HAPPY CNY FUCKERS! -..-

not much of a happy one recently, but oh well, at least its a nice festival where the moolahs will keep on running in.

we're back together, again. emphasis on the again. lol.

for now i guess i'm just living it day by day, seeing how it goes. i guess somehow i'm detaching myself from this relationship till i can be more sure of 'us'.

(the tvee is counting down. and apparently it's really the "chinese new year" some kid is shouting excitedly. wish i had that enthusiasm.)

but yeah, i guess everything should be okay? i'll learn how not to think so much, and i hope he'll learn how to reign in his temper, and be more sweet to me.

HAHA. oh well.

we had a good talk yesterday, and it's obvious that there are still quite some issues between us that aren't quite solved. but yeah, i'm going to try the best i can for this r/s, without putting too much of myself in it. LOL contradicting yeah? but yeah i don't know, perhaps it's the best way for the both of us. till i can see the effort the other party is putting in i guess. i know i've got to change too(:

gggrrrrrrrr. i hope he will really be coming overrrrrrrr.


anyway, my back is hurting like a sweet motherfucker and i've got to go get some r&r in time for tomorrow, where there will be that need to smile smile smile smile smile and look your best when you might not feel your best.

oh well.

'ta

xoxo
your words, do.

ps: holding back on us was never the wisest choice, but what am i to do if you are?

baby where'd you go?

"tantamount to losing you"

oh God.

it's happening again. again. again. again. again.

i'm not going to be able to keep this up any longer. the heart can't take too many blows, to lose the person who meant the most, because his heart is weary.

little reassurances is tantamount to being the sweetest things i'll want to expect from someone who was supposed to hold my heart and keep it well. lowering the expectations to only the most basic 'i love you's, when previously everything was expected, is one of the most pathetic things in the world, especially when i'm a girl who'd want a boyfriend who'd give me his last breath.

all that was needed was the sincerity, and why does it always seem that it's him who walks further and faster away ; from the heart whom you were supposed to be walking away from?

the hardest part is always looking at the times when it was the happiest. i'd hate to compare anything, if anything to show how pathetic i'd have become, to take every word you say in regards of your feelings towards me, as something to be happy of, to have to treasure what others would normally take for granted.

to have to utter words like 'don't leave me' as the last desperation, to hear words taking the shape of the end that you wouldn't want to come; i've let myself sink too low.

hold your head high heavy heart. i've only myself to blame for letting myself come to this.

too many questions why, why why why why. unanswered if only by those unwilling lips, to whom holds all the answers.

i'm asking myself why i'm allowing myself to be like this, to be so unlike the girl i once was. before the walls came down, and before he came through.

God, i can't stop crying. can you please let me magically not like him? please? i'll do almost anything. i hate him i hate him i hate him.

people will say 'i told you so', and judge it for other reasons, and i'd try to defend. the words of reassurance came too late from you, when it's your mind who's made up.

i'm tired too. of having to chase up, to be afraid. i'll take this time to re-adjust, to not hope for anything more.

i'd not want words of solace, to not want to hear words of truth, to not want to be comforted, to just pretend that i've never had him, to just not want to know that i'm fucking vulnerable to this one person.

part of me is indignant, the one who knows that i'm still okay, or rather, will be okay. the side of me that's furiously telling the other part that i don't need him to survive, to ask myself why i have to play the part of a hapless typical woman who needs a guy.

to be told to get some good sleep, in the most ironic way that it came from the person who causes your insomnia, just like in all the ways life is ironic now.

to be weak willed, but know in the truest of all natures that you could just harden your heart to mine.

you never bared your heart to me either. not truly.



it's always the nights that are the hardest, the hours that are the longest.

am not going to contact anyone because this is how i'm going to be strong, to make myself strong so that i'll never be so helpless again.

shall go get myself busy with other things. God, please let everything be in the best way possible.

and please let the hours fly past till morning comes.


xoxo
i miss you already.


ps: i'm fine i will be fine. i must be fine.

you and your heart

he said,

sometimes, people don't really have to show what they really feel.





or perhaps they can't show what they don't feel.









i feel so..... sad.

hearts and a man

"keeping the faith"

ssss oh welll,

i have that i feeeeeeeeeeel like posting all the photos i took over the past few months that was taken using the mirror.

totally HAHA-ish. -..-

oh yeah, we're fine (: but it still feels a tad weird somehow.

other problems have surfaced, but yeah it's for another time.

first up (in order of what's surfacing in my folder)













okayyyyyyy, obviously not all, since i have a ton of photos blablabla. -..-

oh well. the big head's still sleeping the day away. shall go wake him up.

buhbyeeeeee.



xoxo
usually the queen of figuring out
breaking down a man is no work out
but i have no clue
how to get through to you


ps: i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry. ):

to keep to hold, to love to let go.

after it all my heart's in a calm mode. far from serene, too far from it.
when it's at an end the heart just stops feeling.
it doesn't stop hurting, but it protects itself from getting hurt further.

i'll miss you, the way you make me come over all unnessecary, the way you....

i'll miss us.

I know this is the part
Where the end starts
I can't take it any longer
Thought that we were stronger
All we do is linger
Slipping through my fingers
I don't want to try now
All that's lefts goodbye to
Find a way that I can tell you
I hate this part right here
I hate this part right here
I just can't take your tears
I hate this part right here

the conclusion hasn't been drawn, but it will never be the same way. never ever, because we've let the notion of us, sink that low.

and i really, really hate this part right here.









ps: it's the 20th tomorrow.

whilst you were away

"the brightest of all the colors"

ssssssss

out of all the days i've found out that it's getting easier and easier to lumber around when you're half crazed with lack of sleep, with a splitting headache and impossibly dry eyes.

money issues have got me wondering why we can't just do away with money and be done with it. for the millionth time, i'm lamenting the lack of money in my wallet and my bank account. and yeah for the N-th time, i've got that "fuck this i need a sodding job!" thought.

alright, time for some other stuff.

oh and i have a friend telling me that i've changed. ): guess i'm going to dye my hair back to black, and CFR i'm doing it for YOU. HAHA.

hmmmmmmmmmm.

argued with parents yesterday, over a lot of minor issues that has long rolled into a whole ball of shit. the argument escalated into a big blow out, and the conclusion was that i'm no longer going to get my allowance for the next week, and my line got canceled.

august ong is talking to himself. LOL. and demanding for me to entertain him, cause i'm using my lappy, depriving him of DOTA. -..- the boyfriend stealer game.

oh yes, where was i? okay, so as a result i've no phone, and no money. but yippee doodles God still loves me after all, and at the end of today, i found myself with a pair of shoes, a bag, a dress, two tops blabla, courtesy of my parents. not much, but yeah at least they're still willing to pay for my stuff (: love themmmmmmmmmmm loads.

(::::::::::::::::::::

lihlihlknk;n that was august ong.

anyyyyyyways.

some photos up (:









that was after the shopping trip. did i mention how much i love to be female? hurhur. excuse the non-feminist reasons i love about being female, like not having to carry my own bag/shopping bags and stuff. hehehe

i know i should grow my own spinal cord but uh uh uh..... trails off *

alright my eyes are growing tired. ):

OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK WHT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK! i saw a handphone website which has jap phones in it. OMG LAH DAMN CHIO WHAT THE FUCK. if my parents buy it for me i swearrrrrrr i'll love it forever. OH MY GOD.

pleasssseeeee darling God i want it. ):

oh my God. hyperventilates and dies *

abrupt end to my blog entry, but yeah i want to go drool over these phones some more.

byeeeeeee fuckers.



xoxo
and it's some of these longings

ps: i want it i want it i want it i want it i want it i want it i want it i want it i want it i want it. omgomgomgomgomgomg )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))):

your last shot

"you don't know how lovely you are"


it's been quite a long while since i've updated.


some long overdue photos up in this post. HG^2 will finally have his photos (:


am doing some tea tree mask and i'm supposed to go wash it off but i'm kind of lazy you know you know you know?

sigh, why is money so hard to come by? need a job a job a job. xm mentioned something about going back to M1 to work; i don't mind luh, it's actually quite a good job eh. but i have no idea whether he's serious about it or not.

bec's not working at oriental already, so it's kind of weird if i go back to work, and showtec (sp?) is for guys only but wha lao i seriously believe i can do it. LOLLOL. after all, they allllllllllways exclaim how man i am.

the reason why i'm blogging about showtec(sp) suddenly, is cause some of them went to work today. grumpy shit, i've been facing situations and events that make me wish i were a man. like, with a dick and all.

but yeah never mind lah, being a girl does have it's benefits, like for example, not having to pay when we go to places like k garden. they will automatically count the number of dicks in the room, and all those who don't have that lump of meat does not have to pay.

ming kang was like 'i don't get it why don't girls have to pay ah?" HAHA. damn funny, but he's kind of ke lian cause he had to cough some money up the other time, for singing at the mike twice(then he stopped cause someone complained about his singing), and he didn't really drink cause he's allergic to alcohol. HAHA.

sad. but oh well, life's like that. -..-

quite a number of things have happened since i last blogged, some good some average and some that are very very bad.

New years eve wasn't very nice; problematic and explosive. the days after were okay though.

caught a few movies; ong bak, ip man, and some others which i have forgotten about. ong bak is a not bad movie with a fucking stupid ending. seriously, the ending is one of the stupidest out of all the movies i've seen. in fact, i think it's the stupidest. LOL

good thing the kicking of arses in the show was not bad.

anyway.....















there, a few photos from christmas eve up. did i mention it was quite an idiotic affair? around twelve to midnight the tree totally shut down; the lights went out and everything.

we were expecting that perhaps when it reached midnight, the tree would light up and everyone will go "MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!" but..... nope, wasn't going to happen. the tree stayed lightless all the way ):

new years eve was another fucking stupid occasion, full of trouble and crowded places and fireworks that couldn't be seen. however, thats for another post.

school tomorrow, and if i still don't turn up, that bighead's going to be mad at me AGAIN. tsk. we've been arguing and making up and arguing and making up these few days.

getting quite bored of it, but oh wellllllllllll.

why do thoughts of infedelity keep filtering through that "NOT ALLOWED HERE!" barrier i put up in my mind? HAHA, just kidding (: i'm not such a person.

fuck it lah why are jobs so hard to find. PEK CHEK.

okay bye.


xoxo
we'll live

ps: I WANT TO DRINK CAMPBELL SOUP . ):