i've said it countless of times that i live in a world where everything is 'idk, idk'. is it me, or is it so damn hard to make decisions? i mean there are too many possibilites, too many things that could go wrong. i'd hate to be flaky, but i can't handle the responsibility of another person's heart or mine getting hurt.
used to think that as long as you love someone, there's nothing that can stop you from doing things for him because you love him. i still think that way, but i realize, i hold back a lot more.
when people tell me certain things, i realize that i'll listen with how a stranger would listen in on our conversation. there seems to be a barrier and i'm no longer as involved as i'd like to be.
thing is, there's something about rushing headfirst into doing things that makes things so much simpler sometimes. thinking ruins the moment, thinking creates complications into emotions. but thinking is wise.
told someone that i can't feel my heart anymore. like it doesn't exist or like it's dead. i can feel the superficial level of some feelings but its like there's a filter there, just stopping most part of whats important from flowing through.
i'm afraid that there's something wrong with me.
i'm the kind of person who's really afraid of being alone. been trying to conquer that but there are the times when i get too weak and i run to the nearest comfort i can find, but i can't find anything to satisfy that need for closeness, the need to feel that i'm really safe and a place where i can let my guard down.
the last time i did, i got hurt. really hurt. so i took it all in, absorbed the pain and told myself that i'm never doing it again. i'm never falling in love again. but i realize that love is such a beautiful thing. and it's sacred.
it never should be flung around.
fighting the helplesslessness, the feeling of being used and unwanted. too many negative feelings. sometimes it overwhelms, and its like i'm drowning as my head goes under.
then something happens and my head pushes back up to the surface and i manage to get a precious breath of air and i'm just kicking, and waiting for something to drive me back under.
i think i just need to be alone for awhile.
x
Monday, March 28, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
We so Excited
hello to whoever's reading. to my girls: i love you! hehe
anyway, i'm a little grumpy now because i didn't get to eat my fries, and Bec and i walked to Rvp plaza and Rvm for fries and the first was conveniently closed 'for urgent maintenence' and the latter was closed because it wasn't, well open 24 hours. settled for some other food instead and camped out beneath some void deck instead with junk food and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked.
heh it's amazing how we have so much to talk about! like how Cyn and i can talk on the phone for the entire night and only put down because we HAVE to sleep, blablabla.
it's amazing how you meet all of these awesome and amazing friends in life. idk
anyway, i realized that my blog photos are like, always posted after the ones on fb, and i kinda realized that it shouldn't be like that? i have no idea hahahahhaa so i shall post photos on (OOH 11:11!) my blog first blabla. okay not that anyone really cares. hahahahahhaa
out with Cyn and Gerald that day (idk when), then movie with the two of them + Alan and an impromptu trip down to rebel after.
the other day, random trip for supper with Joey, Ian, Yuankai, Dejun and Zhengyao.
Zy couldn't even finish the burger and we were splitting it! anyway, partying with them at Butter tonight can't wait! heh.
alright gonna either paint my nails or go and sleep. tata!
oh oh! i prefer my hair like that now. hahahahaha easier to manage when the roots grow out, plus it looks healthier! i think? though i do have urges to dye it back to a lighter color when i see photos of girls with light hair colors. ahahaha random much.
and that stupid stupid Rebecca Black song is effin stuck in my head. OH MY GOD. its like 'we we we excited, we so excited' OMG SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!! -.- kk i'm going nuts.
oh oh! click on my ads if there are any! thank you very much! :D
xoxo
too many emotions to put to rest.
anyway, i'm a little grumpy now because i didn't get to eat my fries, and Bec and i walked to Rvp plaza and Rvm for fries and the first was conveniently closed 'for urgent maintenence' and the latter was closed because it wasn't, well open 24 hours. settled for some other food instead and camped out beneath some void deck instead with junk food and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked.
heh it's amazing how we have so much to talk about! like how Cyn and i can talk on the phone for the entire night and only put down because we HAVE to sleep, blablabla.
it's amazing how you meet all of these awesome and amazing friends in life. idk
anyway, i realized that my blog photos are like, always posted after the ones on fb, and i kinda realized that it shouldn't be like that? i have no idea hahahahhaa so i shall post photos on (OOH 11:11!) my blog first blabla. okay not that anyone really cares. hahahahahhaa
out with Cyn and Gerald that day (idk when), then movie with the two of them + Alan and an impromptu trip down to rebel after.
the other day, random trip for supper with Joey, Ian, Yuankai, Dejun and Zhengyao.
Zy couldn't even finish the burger and we were splitting it! anyway, partying with them at Butter tonight can't wait! heh.
alright gonna either paint my nails or go and sleep. tata!
oh oh! i prefer my hair like that now. hahahahaha easier to manage when the roots grow out, plus it looks healthier! i think? though i do have urges to dye it back to a lighter color when i see photos of girls with light hair colors. ahahaha random much.
and that stupid stupid Rebecca Black song is effin stuck in my head. OH MY GOD. its like 'we we we excited, we so excited' OMG SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!! -.- kk i'm going nuts.
oh oh! click on my ads if there are any! thank you very much! :D
xoxo
too many emotions to put to rest.
Monday, March 14, 2011
No more Procrastination
ooh look! i dyed my hair! again. LOL this time it's to a darker color because i'm so sick of the black roots and my natural hair is very black. was kinda worried about it cause i can't pull off the black hair thing cause after awhile it'll just look oily and flat. this color isn't actually black though. 'copper brown'.
HAHA kay no one cares but it's my blog so..... whatever.
have so many things to do! finally my graduation project and my oral presentation are both safely out of the way!! and mr singh said i got an A on my gp, but idk about my oral cause i kept rambling about it when i went on, plus i was horribly sick with a hoarse voice and had the flu plus i was kept up all night etc etc etc. fingers crossed that i do well!
have so many things to do now, (okay not a lot, but there are some urgent things that i'd like to take care of right away)
- send in appeal for MDIS (yes it's not done yet)
- find out when my remoduled course starts
- get a part time job for the days which i don't have to study
- start studying for my re-exams
- save money!!!!!
- spend time with my friends
- make clothes
i'd like to make full use of my time instead of wasting it by sleeping all day!
oh! and that reminds me. my house is undergoing some reconstruction/renovation thingy realllllly soon so i kinda need some company. LOL my mum has asked me not to ask Bec and Cyn cause they're too pretty and she doesn't want the workers to delay their work so that they can come back to gawk at them LOL.
but lets face it. all my girls are pretty. LOL <3
hokay shall go rest 'earlier' in attempts to start the day tomorrow bright and early! not to mention productive. gotta start working on the appeals and all!
goodnight to whoever's reading! (:
oh and click on the ads if there're any. thank youuuuuuu very much. :D
woah i sound pretty upbeat in todays post huh. oh well.
xoxo
playing with fire
Monday, March 7, 2011
Double Standards
it's 5:44am in the morning. i'm supposed to be sleeping but there are way too many things going on in my mind. and i kinda need to put it out somewhere.
i've been thinking a lot about sex recently. yes, sex. no i'm not horny it does not mean thinking about sex equates to that person being horny. grow up.
anyway, i've met all sorts of girls in my 19 years of life. i've met all sorts of guys too. granted, most of them are really nice but that's not the point. i've heard of girls who sleep around, like they're literally the public bus or something; everyone and anyone can just get on for a ride. then there are the girls who have sex with their boyfriends, be it long term or short term. and then there are the girls who haven't had sex. but i'm gonna focus on the ones who do.
i hate double standards. i fucking hate double standards. i mean, i've heard loads of guys gossip about this girl and that girl saying 'wah she damn slut one she damn easy blablabla' about a girl. and yes maybe she is rly that way but what gives you the right to say things like this when maybe such harsh judgement wouldn't be passed onto that person if she was a male? you shouldn't automatically get excused just because you have a dick.
i'm not saying it's right to sleep around, i'm commenting on the judgements passed. i hate people saying things like 'but she's a girl, yadda yadda'.
okay so what about the girls who have had sex with their boyfriends and they broke up? i mean come on how old are we now? how many r/s does make it till marriage? it's only realistic to know that there isn't a really high chance unless you really work for it,but how many couples really do?
so what happens to the girl then? imagine they had a really great sex life and it has become a part of her life. what happens then? i mean its fine if you've never had sex before; you wouldn't know what you're missing but what if you did? its like chocolate or ice cream or your favourite food, whatever. if you've never had it before you wouldn't know how good it is, and there wouldn't be a craving. but you have. and there is a craving. so what then?
i mean lets face it, no one likes to be alone. some deal with it better than the rest. but no one likes it. especially if you're a girl. especially if you're feeling vulnerable. instinct only leads you to your safety zone. like a horse to a watering hole or something like that. idk i'm sick of people always commenting and saying stuff like 'ew she's a slut' or whatever.
kay honestly i have commented that some girls are sluts, but that's because they have truly lived up to the definition of a slut. and i have said that guys are sluts too. i mean if girls are called sluts because they sleep around then guys shouldn't be given another name just to make it sound better right? its the fucking double standard thing that i cannot stand. i absolutely hate it.
the only thing tht i find is rly not good about sleeping around, guys and girls alike is that it's super dangerous i mean you don't know who your partners have been with and vice-versa. what about all the diseases? i mean you wouldn't know right. and i kind of agree with the 'girls are at a disadvantage' thing, which i didn't use to agree to but its rly kinda true cause i mean what if the girl gets pregnant? its really her life that gets disrupted and what not. so many consequences. and the second thing is because of the damned double standards.
im really really not saying that sleeping around is good. in fact i think its best to avoid sleeping around. but i feel that it's not wrong. like how some people may feel that it's not wrong to be a third party in a r/s, or how some people don't think it's wrong to cheat on their partners etc. i feel that as long as it doesn't harm anyone then why not it's on your own time or whatever right? idk.
and why is it that girls might be seen by some people as 'too horny/too loose' or whatever if they're open to sexual experiences or whatever? i mean if you're not opposed to a certain something doesn't mean that you're horny what.
it really really sucks that guys get away with SO many things because 'they are guys'. i mean what are we supposed to just accept that 'all men cheat one la it's just whether their girlfriends/wives find out one' or whatever la. so what if you have a dick so what? that doesn't give you an excuse.
then what about how girls are more emotional? do people try to be more understanding? not many. you blame it on the testosterone then i'll jolly well blame the estrogen when i do something totally crazy psycho bitch like can? will you be more understanding?
okay idk whats the point of this, totally random post idk if i'm even making sense to whoevers reading this. but yes. conclusion: i hate double standards.DROP THOSE STANDARDS TODAY! YES, NOW!
its just so damn unfair. and i've been wanting to say this for a damned long time and probably parts of this post has stuff in it that i;d want to touch up, or talk more about but i bet i'll be too lazy. okay goodnight people.
<3
xoxo
i've been thinking a lot about sex recently. yes, sex. no i'm not horny it does not mean thinking about sex equates to that person being horny. grow up.
anyway, i've met all sorts of girls in my 19 years of life. i've met all sorts of guys too. granted, most of them are really nice but that's not the point. i've heard of girls who sleep around, like they're literally the public bus or something; everyone and anyone can just get on for a ride. then there are the girls who have sex with their boyfriends, be it long term or short term. and then there are the girls who haven't had sex. but i'm gonna focus on the ones who do.
i hate double standards. i fucking hate double standards. i mean, i've heard loads of guys gossip about this girl and that girl saying 'wah she damn slut one she damn easy blablabla' about a girl. and yes maybe she is rly that way but what gives you the right to say things like this when maybe such harsh judgement wouldn't be passed onto that person if she was a male? you shouldn't automatically get excused just because you have a dick.
i'm not saying it's right to sleep around, i'm commenting on the judgements passed. i hate people saying things like 'but she's a girl, yadda yadda'.
okay so what about the girls who have had sex with their boyfriends and they broke up? i mean come on how old are we now? how many r/s does make it till marriage? it's only realistic to know that there isn't a really high chance unless you really work for it,but how many couples really do?
so what happens to the girl then? imagine they had a really great sex life and it has become a part of her life. what happens then? i mean its fine if you've never had sex before; you wouldn't know what you're missing but what if you did? its like chocolate or ice cream or your favourite food, whatever. if you've never had it before you wouldn't know how good it is, and there wouldn't be a craving. but you have. and there is a craving. so what then?
i mean lets face it, no one likes to be alone. some deal with it better than the rest. but no one likes it. especially if you're a girl. especially if you're feeling vulnerable. instinct only leads you to your safety zone. like a horse to a watering hole or something like that. idk i'm sick of people always commenting and saying stuff like 'ew she's a slut' or whatever.
kay honestly i have commented that some girls are sluts, but that's because they have truly lived up to the definition of a slut. and i have said that guys are sluts too. i mean if girls are called sluts because they sleep around then guys shouldn't be given another name just to make it sound better right? its the fucking double standard thing that i cannot stand. i absolutely hate it.
the only thing tht i find is rly not good about sleeping around, guys and girls alike is that it's super dangerous i mean you don't know who your partners have been with and vice-versa. what about all the diseases? i mean you wouldn't know right. and i kind of agree with the 'girls are at a disadvantage' thing, which i didn't use to agree to but its rly kinda true cause i mean what if the girl gets pregnant? its really her life that gets disrupted and what not. so many consequences. and the second thing is because of the damned double standards.
im really really not saying that sleeping around is good. in fact i think its best to avoid sleeping around. but i feel that it's not wrong. like how some people may feel that it's not wrong to be a third party in a r/s, or how some people don't think it's wrong to cheat on their partners etc. i feel that as long as it doesn't harm anyone then why not it's on your own time or whatever right? idk.
and why is it that girls might be seen by some people as 'too horny/too loose' or whatever if they're open to sexual experiences or whatever? i mean if you're not opposed to a certain something doesn't mean that you're horny what.
it really really sucks that guys get away with SO many things because 'they are guys'. i mean what are we supposed to just accept that 'all men cheat one la it's just whether their girlfriends/wives find out one' or whatever la. so what if you have a dick so what? that doesn't give you an excuse.
then what about how girls are more emotional? do people try to be more understanding? not many. you blame it on the testosterone then i'll jolly well blame the estrogen when i do something totally crazy psycho bitch like can? will you be more understanding?
okay idk whats the point of this, totally random post idk if i'm even making sense to whoevers reading this. but yes. conclusion: i hate double standards.DROP THOSE STANDARDS TODAY! YES, NOW!
its just so damn unfair. and i've been wanting to say this for a damned long time and probably parts of this post has stuff in it that i;d want to touch up, or talk more about but i bet i'll be too lazy. okay goodnight people.
<3
xoxo
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