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i've said it countless of times that i live in a world where everything is 'idk, idk'. is it me, or is it so damn hard to make decisions? i mean there are too many possibilites, too many things that could go wrong. i'd hate to be flaky, but i can't handle the responsibility of another person's heart or mine getting hurt.

used to think that as long as you love someone, there's nothing that can stop you from doing things for him because you love him. i still think that way, but i realize, i hold back a lot more.

when people tell me certain things, i realize that i'll listen with how a stranger would listen in on our conversation. there seems to be a barrier and i'm no longer as involved as i'd like to be.

thing is, there's something about rushing headfirst into doing things that makes things so much simpler sometimes. thinking ruins the moment, thinking creates complications into emotions. but thinking is wise.

told someone that i can't feel my heart anymore. like it doesn't exist or like it's dead. i can feel the superficial level of some feelings but its like there's a filter there, just stopping most part of whats important from flowing through.

i'm afraid that there's something wrong with me.

i'm the kind of person who's really afraid of being alone. been trying to conquer that but there are the times when i get too weak and i run to the nearest comfort i can find, but i can't find anything to satisfy that need for closeness, the need to feel that i'm really safe and a place where i can let my guard down.

the last time i did, i got hurt. really hurt. so i took it all in, absorbed the pain and told myself that i'm never doing it again. i'm never falling in love again. but i realize that love is such a beautiful thing. and it's sacred.

it never should be flung around.

fighting the helplesslessness, the feeling of being used and unwanted. too many negative feelings. sometimes it overwhelms, and its like i'm drowning as my head goes under.

then something happens and my head pushes back up to the surface and i manage to get a precious breath of air and i'm just kicking, and waiting for something to drive me back under.


i think i just need to be alone for awhile.



x