pre-birthday

well, so it's the 9th of December. can't believe that in a few hours time, i'll be hitting the big 2-O. truth be told i'm as unenthusiastic about my birthday as a turkey would be about Thanksgiving. there's just this thing about growing old-er that i can't quite face.

could be the sense of vulnerability of having to be more independent, or it could be the premature sense of loss of the older beloved. could be a whole lot of things that i don't wanna go dig into; it could be just like Pandora's box without that little voice of Hope in it.

how could anyone find hope in growing old? used to be when i was younger i wished desperately that i could be older, and after i've reached and surpassed that actual age, i start wishing that i could just stay young forever.

my ideal world would be one where i'd never have to grow old and just stay at the magical age of 18. life was wonderful back then. without a care in the world i could just do whatever i wanted and not worry at all about all the consequences that have slowly caught up to me at the age of 20.

if i'd known back then, i'd have told myself to be more determined, be more disciplined, go to school and not waste time with relationships. but the me now seems to still think that i've come out a better person because of it, despite everything that has happened so far that hurt in ways i couldn't have imagined recovering from.

still, i'm not one for regrets. i still believe that regret is an extremely pointless emotion and that whatever doesn't kill me definitely would make me stronger. also more cynical and wary, but nonetheless, stronger.

i would like to make the most of my next year. it's obvious i'm running out of time and i haven't seemed to have achieved anything that could make me proud of if i die right now.

but hey, the optimist in me still survives and i think that everything happens for a reason. i hope my reason is really good though.



xx

Furries and Musings

now (most of the photos are of Duffy because Skippy was very wriggly and curious today, which made a lot of shots kind of blur. Normally the two of them would just calmly lie there and pose for photos when they know that i want to take a photo of them. i'm definitely not being biased for posting up more of Duffy.)

these photos are already up on my facebook, but i couldn't resist putting them up again here. got a new camera recently and i've been trying to learn how to use it properly, so more often then not, my babies become my test subjects.

on another note: i can't believe i'm hitting 20 in three days time. i'm filled with fear for the future and i don't wanna grow old. time flies way too fast these days. doesn't it?

i asked my parents if they read my blog, then decided that it's a bad idea for them to actually read it. browsed through my old archives and read post after post of me being heartbroken and weak.

how much of that has changed i wonder? i know i'm stronger now. the question is: what is going to take to break me? for the sake of my sanity, i hope i'll never find out.



xx