Confusion

it's 6.17 am and i'm supposed to be rushing out my grad project which i was supposed to be doing ages ago and not leaving it till the last minute. boo to the procrastinator in me.

i know i'm not supposed to be blogging but i can't help it. my phone is acting up again and it's hard to type, so here i am blogger.

it's weird coming out of a relationship that lasted for 2 years and i've no idea how many months. yes to many it's nothing at all, but seriously i'm amazed it lasted as long as it did. honestly i feel fine, but i know i'm not quite over it yet.

idk what it is that i miss. but i expected myself to feel horrible for a much longer period of time. now i just feel..... empty. but i suppose that's normal. i'm even okay with looking at his facebook updates and what not. yes i cringe a little when i see them but still, its definitely not as bad as i thought it would be. definitely.

been telling Joey and Cynthia that i feel that the first step that one takes once they're is out of a long term relationship is what shapes what they're going to do for the rest of their lives, or for a very long time anyway.

i mean, what am i supposed to do now? someone once told me 'the first person you like when you come out of a relationship is confirm a rebound'. and i agree with that to a large large extent. not for every case, cause there are people who stay single for a long period of time before getting into another relationship, but i'm talking about the ones who get into another relationship, or start dating again straightaway. again, not for every case but i think for most of them, it's kinda true.

when you stop being able to love someone without causing yourself pain, where does that affection go? does it just die off? or is it like energy? in which case it gets transferred somewhere else because energy cannot be killed off.

but this is a matter of the heart. and i'm really confused. perhaps i'm over thinking things but i do tend to do that a lot so.....

i mean, now it feels like i'm pushing all my affections to someone else because i need a good distraction. i'm pretty sure all these will just amount to nothing so why bother right? but then again i've never been too good at being alone. though now's the best time to start right?

idk i'm confused. really confused. at times i think of _ and i miss him. for the better part of 30 secs or so, i get nostalgic and i think of the past. then i snap out of it. but that empty feeling doesn't go away. i know i'm okay over how things are right now, so where does that feeling come from?

urg so many questions and there's the question of what to do next. i mean it's not like i really have to, but i really really want to. high chance of me getting hurt again, but then again i'm good at the no feelings kinda thing, _ apart.

it's just that i don't like feeling all fluttery and excited. it's weird, it's unsettling. i don't like that feeling. plus whatever i'm feeling i'm pretty sure it's just a displacement of affection.

yuck.

okay end of rant. made me feel better though it didn't help much with clearing things up in my head. now if only i can complete my report and type with the speed i used while typing up this blog post.

goodnight my lovelies.


xoxo
 

Clarity

this week feels like it took so long t o be over. so much drama, and i feel like i haven't blogged properly in ages.

am feeling better than i have in weeks. with unexpected, and not so unexpected twists.

alright, so hid out at sebas's and hung out with sam for like..... 3 days or so? idk.

webcam photos!

lol!!

okay got to run run run run run. meeting joey and the rest for movie! heh :D


xoxo

i want to just go to sleep and never wake up. i want to feel happy again. i want to forget about him. i want to stop crying. i want to stop feeling like there's something burning inside of me. i want the old august back. i want him back.

even after all the harsh words i said i can't erase the feelings in me. don't know who's war i'm fighting don't know what to do. even after hearing your voice made me feel like i can't breathe.

when does this pain go away. i wish i never met you. i wish i listened to everybody when they told me not to. i wish i let you go the moment i got you.

wo xiang yao xue hui zi wo cui mian.

i want to die.

'Safe

saved previous post as draft.

all my words come out as a whiny drone infront of you. to my friends i'm a blubbering mess. when i'm typing, less confusing, the words actually come out.

but how am i to put into words how wretched i'm feeling now? i suppose every heartbreak is like this, and this long drawn out battle was my first.

i hate feeling vulnerable, but i hated regretting even more and so i gave it my all. perhaps i did expect something in return. after all i'm always thinking of good endings even when i'm a self proclaimed cynic.

i do wish for happy endings. and the ideal would be for us to live happily ever after, but i guess this is the real world and it's time to wake up.

i'm remembering the answers to those last three questions and i'm wondering how much of it is truth. i stared into your face, trying to discern what you were saying, sifting through the grains of truth.

it was hard to trust you. it still is now. i have the choice of digging into see if there was anything going on behind my back. to see if your words held true, at least that you've never let me down that way.

i've always been one with trust issues. paired with you, we were like a train rushing towards a decayed track. i spoke too much, you spoke too little. i was too honest, and you just hid it all in.

i remember all the promises, the words of this date and that. but somehow it was always, no time this no money that, next time this, blablablablabla.

could've waited patiently but we ran out of time.

gonna save this words for next time, but hopefully i don't feel it as much as i do now. and i hope i'll get better as time goes by.

i know i will.

thing is, is ignorance really bliss?

i know i can uncover anything i want. but, should i?


goodnight.

'you know what? i just want my stuff back. i want nothing to do with you anymore.'

Days like Nights

look at my beloved baby boy! hee hee hee. many people would find him unappealing because he's black, but i love him to bits! claw your face out if you think he's not cute ah!

so anyway, i realize that my days are mostly spent like either outside home for a few days/nights or i'll end up camping at home again for a few days. kind of unbalanced, like my diet. -.-

for example,

• friday - pubbing/partying with Bec, Cyn and co. 
• saturday - steamboat  @ _'s relative's place -> headed to D's place for some bai nian. 
• sunday - went bowling + prawning. (I CAUGHT MY FIRST TWO PRAWNS YAYYYY!) 
• monday - gie's place for her birthday celebrations + gambling + stay over 

feels like there are a thousand and one things for me to do! number one being:

1. complete graduation project
2. call up mdis to see when my remodule starts
3. send in appeal 

all these have got to do with my studies. tsk and speaking of which, my friends are all graduating already!!!!! what about me...... omg.

i need to learn discipline, now more than ever. cmon joh!!!!!

okay off to hunt for things to eat. gonna stay off bakwa cause it only gives me tooth ache and new year goodies are so loaded with calories.....

ironic since i'm gonna order mac. HAHAHA.

okay i just realized that i need to employ the usage of lists, cause it'll help me organize my schedule. tsk. days just fly past when you're not noticing!

ttfn!


xoxo

C.N.Y

 random picture of an amazing place.

its the day before the eve of cny! should be spring cleaning and what not but i'm too damn lazy, plus i'm thinking of what to wear for the few days of money collecting. HAHA

my clothes are alllll dark colored. no joke, probably about 1/10 of my wardrobe is something other than black, grey, brown or blue. probably a few white/cream colored pieces here and there, but that's about it.

i would like to be more daring in what i wear, but on the times i go shopping i end up picking out things that i already have, or have pieces really similar to. am trying not to go with this scheme though it's so much easier to just go with the basics and look the same old, same old.

i love splashes of color but i'm always telling myself that it's not practical to buy something that you can only wear once or twice before leaving them at the back of your closet. would love to be able to buy what i want, when i want.

speaking of which, i need stockings and new accessories.

i'd love for money to drop from the sky, and i love that we asians actually have a time of year where money actually kinda does.


hee hee hee


xoxo