and your heart is on the floor.

"feeling wretched, but baby i'll smile for you."



well.

it's 1.04 am. reached home super early. super, super early. around twelve-ish?

met up with Darren, Shina, Jerold, and two of their friends, Samuel and Zach- something. LOL can't spell his name!

it was for a very short while, but it felt good getting out of the house. felt totally fine, save for a few stomachaches here and there, but now i'm home i feel like puking again, and headache included.

missed weewee, so might be meeting up with her later on.

suddenly realized that i'm fucking hungry, but i can't quite stomach the idea of food now.

oh welllll.

i really, really don't wanna be alone.

have that empty feeling in my stomach again. but yeah, guess i'll still be fine.

and i'm fighting the urge to pick up the phone. and just ..... no no. i won't.

editing some photos, and today's photos are with Shina, and so i only have two of Jerold and yours truly.

so, some first, of today and Grandmum's birthday (:







somehow i don't regret spending that amount of money to arrive at a hair color that looks almost like black, cause i prefer this color and cut -..-

before that my hair was this color.



totally uneven, and look at the orange roots! super super horrible, swear. so, back i went the next day to get it redyed, and had my fringe cut at the same time.

oh well.

and i'm happy cause today Jerold complimented me! hehe he's like always making my day brighter with those nice compliments hehe. cause yaaaa a girl needs compliments to feel sort of better kay!

ho hummmmm.


__________


newest resolve: to get out of that hole i'm in, that i've been sinking into time and time again. to leave it, to stop dreading the nights, to stop wanting not to be alone, to sleep properly without having bad dreams, to not feel my heart breaking, to not feel that 'heart very pain' and 'i can't breathe' feeling.

cause it's overwhelming me, and i don't think i can keep it up anymore.

do you wonder where i am? wonder what i'm doing?



do you think of me, miss me?

Mabel says no one else will be sure of it but me, but i can't be sure of myself anymore. not when i've led myself into so many holes and shit. believed the wrong things, trusted, loved too much, too much in the wrong way, became too self righteous. too much, too much.

too many .

i need a hug.



xoxo
said, you'd never make me cry.


ps: i miss you, i miss you. that, along with i love you, have become one of the unmentionables.

i love you..... r money.

"desperately seeking love/truth/hope/wisdom"


hi, i need a lot of all the above. a,b,c and d.

am being really bored right now, so i decided to go and talk to this guy whom i knew through my cousin. i think his name is Ronald. HAHA.

so yeah. talking to him reminds me of..... days back when i was easily satisfied, young and naive. HAHA oh yeah so i'm some kind of wizened old biatch that's seen much more than i should have?

hell no, but i kind of feel like it sometimes.

like i'm all aged and heavy and wrinkled inside.

so yesterday, some things went down, and reassurances were given, but not in a very comforting way.

still don't know what to think, and i guess i'm just gonna choose the escape route.



and now the question is; to lie, or not to lie?

cause i know i'm worth more than that. and i know that in some ways i'm already over the whole thing.

okay guess i'm talking in mumble jumble.

shall go attempt to L4D with my sisters, before a coffee with Mabel and Hk Cafe with Justin to help him do his bloody homework.


i'm such a kind soul. hehe.



bye .

and....., i really hope things will work out. Please, Lord. Amen.



xoxo,
straight from your heart.

ps: i can't trust you, don't want to trust you, don't want you in my life anymore. and yet this heart is going against all my wills, guess i always want what's bad for me. dearest, please please, prove me wrong.

#27

left for my diary instead. words that can't be said.

not gonna get us

"feel the breeze/ try to breathe."


well, mahjong-ed with Mingkang, John, Juncheng, Mabel and Xuanming.

won a little, just a little. >< style="font-style: italic;">xoxo
tomorrow will be okay,
tomorrow we'll be okay.


ps: dearest, you're never alone. though you won't see this, but i'll always be by your side.

damn it, i can't sleep.

and the first person i can think of who's awake at this time.....

will fucking be busy.



.





and . i accidentally called him, cause i was sitting on my phone.


bloody hell.


and i fucking can't sleep and there's something in my eye thanks to WHB! i tell you her 'prediction' was damn accurate. or rather its a curse. lollol .



i wanna sleep la. fucked up.
i want sleeping pills.
fuckedupfuckedup.
iwant my hair back to normal

FUCK.

damn grumpy.


nbcbklajwhoniqw kejwsd

i feel. like. sc.r.e.a.m.in.g.


bad time to talk to me.


i need my happy pills.

):


but i lost him .




wanted: someone i can hug to sleep .

you arrogant!

"my lips, your mouth."


GAHHHHH.

wish i had that veil. to cover my hair.

wellllllllll, redyed it, if anyone was wondering, and it looks horrible f-a-n-t-a-s-t-i-c.

not!

oh my God.....

it's like..... !?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!

got a call for mahjong, and mum asked me to do a facial at the same time.

went for the facial thing first, and went to dye my hair. OMG.

the sentence that was most said was 'when is it going to finish?' blablablablabla. cause i was already rushing for time! ):

so now..... my roots are kind of orange, and my bottom part is a mixture of black and chocolate brown.

WHAT THE FUCK RIGHT. but it's all my own fault ): photos up soooooonly! ):


wha lannnnnn. how ah.

think think think. and no one is allowed to comment on my hair. damn it.

>< style="font-style: italic;">xoxo
you get on my fucking nerves.

ps: but i stilllllll...... ________________________ .




edited:

i have decided to go back to that salon and politely ask the aunty if she can help me do a redye. of roots or something. really cmi lah. feel like killing myself.

how am i supposed to face the world like this?!!!!! God, please be with me as i negotiate with the aunty, and please let her say yes to redying my hair for freeeeeeee! please please ><

): i love Youuuuu God.

torn.

"please, don't leave me, always say that i don't need you, but it always come right back to this, baby, please don't leave me.'

that's the song playing on 98.7 fm when i switched to it on Okto.

strange the way things have been going.

and i guess all it takes is one word from the right person to sway all the convictions you've had, to break it all down.

am feeling..... stressed, weary, helpless, confused, amongst all the other angst ridden feelings i have that i'm just going to leave un-analyzed.

i do know i shouldn't listen to that, cause i guess it's different now, but still in some ways, the logic is still the same. the same damn one.

and sometimes it's easier to look at the problem at the surface, when the problem doesn't belong to you.

too many words i want to write, shall turn to my diary instead. i'm so sorry, i really am.

not for what you think, but what i may do.

i've got my own reasons, so please understand me, don't judge, and..... i can take care of myself. alright?

okay it sounds dramatic, but nothing soon la, (:

bye.



xoxo
to the words i've wanted to say

ps: i still stand by what i said. 'i'll be by your side', no matter what happens, and you'll never be alone. 'i might not be able to help much, but what i can do to help, i will.' i swear it.

heart heavy heavy.

very very heavy.

i.....

face your fears

on another note:

Juncheng showed me Chua Yirong's blog, and there was this quiz in one of the posts. GOOGLED it!cause there wasn't any link. (been using google a lot today!)

What is your True Fear? Your Result: Losing Someone You love affection and the people in your life more than anything. Your greatest fear is that one day someone you care about won't be there anymore. You are a very friendly and inviting person, who draws in a lot of friendships with your kind, considerate, and loyal nature. However, deep down you are slightly insecure and unsure of yourself. You couldn't deal with it if you didn't have one of your loved ones in your life anymore. You don't have too much to worry about though, because with a friend like you, no one will want to lose you either!
Being Alone
Where Your life is Going
Disappointment
Looked down on
Death
Commitment
What is your True Fear? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

so..... is it true?

about the not wanting to lose me either part.

it's quite true for those that are based on how i feel and everything, cause it's a major fear in my life.
kay bye.

your choice or mine.

"she's miss america, and i'm just the girl next door."


deleted my whole previous post, which was full of stupid ramblings, and went to edit some photos.

spent the day hiding at home, cause oh hurray was feeling quite unwell actually, stomachaches, slight fever and headache plus some kind of naseous feeling.

but most of it is gone already, guess i just really needed the rest, though my head is feeling kinda heavy, and my whole body aches.

i want my hair to grow longer lah! and i really need to dye my hair. or something. >< okay photos. fat face fat face fat face, i should learn how to smile with my eyes open.




























oh yeah btw, Karen and i ran into the aunty who used to clean toilets (the aunty in the picture above), and she's a totally sweet aunty la! like we'd always see her around Hougang Mall sometimes, and i don't think she's working already. anyway, we saw her that evening after Huibing's celebration, and wah found out something very sad manszxzx.

apparently she suffered a stroke recently, but luckily she's able to walk around already, but her right side is a little awkward still, and it's a little hard for her to speak properly. but she kept reassuring us that she's fine and all. gave her hugs and took a picture with her. i'll always remember this aunty lor she's damn nice one.

gah.

makes me realize how fragile life is, and yeah the thing about 2012 on Joey's blog. made me think quite a bit on the world ending and human life and all.

told that idiot Big Head about it, and all he said was 'you think too much'. but somethings really can't be helped what, but true la, so what if the world's really going to end?

just do whatever you want to that'll make you happy now (which doesn't include stupid things like robbing banks or raping people or something) but isn't that something you have to do already?!

okay wait never mind.

i think i'm really kinda superstitious sometimes, like i dislike people tapping my shoulder (or touching me unnessecarily(sp?) for that matter, but especially not my shoulder or back), and i believe a lot in the 'eyelid twitching' thing. -..-


HAHA. i remember it was taught by Jason Yap. like got some 'xi nv ai le' thing, left to right. and till today i'm still verrrryyyyy superstitious about this.

okay.....

and............................. urghhhh i don't know lah.


supposedly letting go, but yet not trying to. apparently keeping a distance, and yet being closer.

i guess i need some ..... ?!?!?! idk . finding someone to talk to, i'm so fucking bored.



and.....

do you mean those words, or were they just meant to placate me? am i just supposed to accept whatever you say, when somehow the point of it all was lost in the midst of all the angst?

i love the sound my keyboard makes when i'm typing.


-..- random much?


okay off . i'm so fucking b.o.r.e.d. i feel like clubbing . to the maxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx!

):


byebye (:



xoxo
your weakness .

ps: torn between __________________________ .

can't be arsed to blog feel like changing my blog skin, my blog song, can't be bothered to edit photos, i want a new job i want a new job i want a new job, i need money i need money times infinity, i miss my friends, i miss my friends, i want to study i want to study, i kinda miss that big head, i miss him, i miss him, i want to shop i want to shop,

GAHHHHHH!



killllllllllll me.

dragggggg!

"work, work work work work."

eeeeyerrrrrrrrr.

i feel so grumpy now, cause i have to go for work. such a damn hassle WHY WASN'T I BORN RICH!!!!! oh mannnnszxzxzxzx.

all things considered this isn't a bad job cause it pays well, but if onlyyyyyy you manage to hit the number of people. ><

first week, so..... we'll seeeeeeeee!

anyway, i'm so late but here i am still blogging away, cause i can't decide on what to wear. damn it lor must wear jeans, and my legs are so..... fat.

>=[

damn annoying. today is going to be a grumpy day. think my period's coming, and my mood is changing. that damn boss is forever getting on my nerves and he keeps calling me. like STOP CALLING ME ALREADY!!!!!

and there's this fucked up guy who keeps messaging me and asking 'what's your facebook?'

like two, three, four times, and i totally didn't reply, till yesterday at John's, and i couldn't take it anymore so i replied 'stop asking me'

and i didn't expect an answer after that, cause what's he supposed to reply?! then my phone rang it's lovely ring tone, and tadah he replied, 'sorry what's your email i add you on facebook i forgot your email.'

WTF.

and that day this other person keep calling me on and off and usually i'll just pick up and be nice for awhile, then i'll put down, but that day he really caught me at a wrong time.

was spazzing out and crying and wanting to die and all, and he called me and went 'hello? blablabla' oh my God.

couldn't control myself; whole emotional outburst afterwards from me, which went 'STOP CALLING ME LA!!!!!!!" in a very tearful way. and then i hung up, and tadah, he never called since then.

hahahaha. i feel so evil.

okay shut up have to bathe someone just called me i think it's Bec.


byeeeee.


xoxo
thinking of you.

ps: sweet nothings might just be that, nothing. but i meant some of them, and some of them not.

baby, hold my hand

"right here, right now"




i love Lindsay Lohan! always have, super stylish party girl whose life got seriously, seriously out of track. i'd have sex with her anyday.

:D okay maybe not. but, i luv luv luv luv luv herrrrrrrrrr! and that picture of her on and off ex Sam Ronson (sp?!) in a bikini was seriously scaaaaaarrrryyyy. aiya love LLohan.

and her younger sister Ali is really pretty too. though she looks way mature for a kid of fourteen.

anyway.

went for work today with Bec. she came over to my place as like last night, and we made some calls to arrange for people to come down for the interview.

three people lined up for tomorrow, and quite a lot for wednesday and some for friday toooo. shall hurry make some more calls to keep the cash rolling in! though it's an extremely easy job, i'm feeling a little exhausted. alright make it very very exhausted.

so..... headed to Plaza to meet Huiying for dinner. it's been a long time since we met (okay not really, but we hardly contact nowadays), and luckily she picked up my call in time, else i'd have to eat dinner alone at home or at Rivervale Plaza. that ass Karen Leow only replied me when i reached home. SO YAAAAA SHAN'T REPLY HER MESSAGE TILL TOMORROW. hehe


was supposed to meet Mabel, but i dragged and she went all the way home first. ):

they all had their first day of school, and i'm having my first day of work. ho hummmm. hurry get my ass down to registering my course, but it's so damn expensive lah! but it'll pay super well when i start working. shan't reveal my intended course here, though some people already know cause i've went around asking for opinions. HAHA

gahhhhhhhhh.

alright so, on a 'bright/dark' note (?!?!?!) am meeting John and Mingkang early in the morning to get our asses all the way to Simei. a little apprehensive, and yet a little anticipative of seeing Big Head. i really wonder how things are going to be like tomorrow.

things are getting better, slowly. and i'd like to take things slow this time. friends, and not so at the same time. oh wellllllllll.

thank You, God for everythinggggggg. like seriously, thanks for letting me learn all these stuff i have to learn to get through life. i'd rather get hurt and learn cause actually when i get through feeling all shat up, i actually feel more at peace with myself. and that's a goal in my life: to achieve peace with myself, along with self-actualization.

oh well, i need the loo.

tata darlings!






sengkang> hougang > tampines > simei > hougang > clarke quay > sengkang (:

i hope it'll be a good day tomorrow.


(what to wearrrrr, what to wearrrrrr. ) I HAVE TO SHOP!



xoxo
cause you mean everything to me.

ps: take care darling.

ps: cynthia neo i miss you a lot! luv luv you more than i love Lindsay Lohan :D

stay close, don't go.

"won't you take my hand/ can i have this dance"

work tomorrow, busy busy busy. shall update with photos.

and i'm so close to snapping, too, too close.

alright photos :

again, not all of them since i'm really bored of editing photos, and have resorted to blindly editing them resulting in some becoming quite horrible.

this was when Mingkang, Roy, Wendy, Mabel and John came to somewhere near my house and i went down to meet them, and we ended up eating super cheap but yummy durians. hehe and they came up for some hold em and i lost 20 bucks. LOL



interview that day with Bec at Clarke Quay with a weirdo boss and weirdo 'team mates' but the pay is good, so..... shrugs *




and she doesn't like to take photos with me!



Sakura, finally with the usuals. And they hold em'ed in the MRT. like totally anywhere, anytime yo! HAHA



$30 bucks for sashimi and some weird weird stuff. seems nice though i didn't eat much that day ><





a place at Clarke Quay sells these kinda sweets and they're totally cute, like having 'KISS ME' on the candies. yeah old news but stilllll!!!!!









and i think Hongguo learns this in school. LOLLOL.





celebrated Huibing's birthday yesterday at her place with Karen, Baochuan, Andy and Yutong. Esther and Hb's boyfriend joined us awhile later! photos will be up soon enough. (:

then we sent Bc off and K and i walked around and finally settled our asses below Hougang Plaza for some chat chit chit chat. missed them all a lot a lot, and it was very very nice seeing them all again. hehe.

went with K to some kopitiam near Pungol Park, and saw some of the other guys. left a few minutes later and cabbed to Justin's for mahjong, but dropped Glenn at Kovan since he was headed there too.

enjoyed myself at the Bitch's, but yeah unhappy things happened again, with ______ .

i guess i'm always doing wrong things, saying the wrong things, ecetera. i'm way far from perfect, be it exterior-wise, or who i am inside. i don't really think before i do anything, and i always let my emotions take me.

but i'm learning, i really am. slowly, to let go, slowly to treat it as if it doesn't matter. slowly, slowly. after all, all these takes time, no?

i'm not saying that i've let go of him, or given up hope on us, but i do have to let him go a little, in order to be happier. cause i'm always expecting too much, and being over obsessed when we're fighting, which is most of the time.

but yes, i'm very very very very very happy when we're on our good days.

and today (or rather yesterday), i finally snapped a little. guess the rubber in me frayed just a little, and i said something. i felt more alive after it, like. 'YAY! Johanna Teo you're finally being like how you were!' i miss my old self. that part of nochalance, that part of being not bothered.

and well, today's the sixth month. supposedly it is. and my heart feels kind of heavy and sour thinking of how happy we can be now. but yeah, it's something i have to learn.

and learn i shall.

on another note, i just got back from Rivervale Plaza with Bec. she came over to take her stuff, and i kept asking her to keep me company there and back. say YAYYYYY for one of your besties to be staying around you. heheee. oh ya MacSpicy is damn addicting yummmmmmmszxzxzx.!

and on the note of besties, joey liowry HAPPY EIGHTEENTH! i love you mucho mucho mucho to the extremes. i do, i do. and, we're screwed, but we can't stop life from happening. if you get my drift.

<33333

and as the song goes,

i know i've been selfish,
i know i've been foolish,
but look through that,
and you will see,

i'll do better, i know,
baby i can do better,

if you leave me tonight,
i'll wake up on my own,
don't tell me i can make it on my own,
this heart of stone will sing till it dies,
if you leave me tonight.


xoxo
especially you,
in mine.

ps: i won't hope you'll be back, won't want you to, if only not to let my heart get broken again. not having any expectations make the fall gentler, if it comes. but baby, that doesn't stop me wanting you to be by my side. and i hope you meant the part that it's mutual, cause you make me happier than anything in the world, and you've made yourself a permanent residence in my heart.

wtf?! i'm a dumb dumb.

><>< damnnnnnnn!

and i went and said a whole bunch of things to her, like saying how disappointed i was. HAHA. and what a relief when she went.

Me: anyway, take care.
K: wait,
K: that's not for you.
Me: Fuck.
Me: LOL ! what a relief.
K: joke of the day


-..- be right back to edit.

my heart hurts. i can't keep this up anymore.


help? God?

cancelled everything i just said, like the five or so messages i composed and didn't manage to send.

read quite a few/some articles online just now, and they really make me feel super inspired.

i want to lead my own life. working/studying, with or without him. seriously, i think this whole experience was a lesson from God.

to make me learn, and all. and now i've really learnt a lot of things that i've never known. like how to trust someone, how to be independent, how not to be obsessive, and just let things be.

i'm learning still, i am.

i don't want to regret anything, cause i've always been a person who says 'i don't have any regrets.' though i do think that a lot of things could have been done differently.

ima give it one last shot. one last one. God help me please?. <3 .


and..... i miss a lot of things, and yet i don't miss a lot of other things.

i think i know what to say now.

off to shit. need some relaxing therapy. and shitting makes me feel goooooooood. (: HAHA. sounds sick. but it is relaxing.



perhaps back to edit!

fuck my new job i tell you. fuck it. and i'm not too sure it can be labeled as 'my new job' as of yet. went down three days getting home in the late evenings, and still no definite job. what the fuck?!

-..- alright, and i found out that i can be quite assertive when i want to be. i don't want to be regulated to a job i don't like, and did not intend to do in the first place.

it's fucking stupid, cause obviously i'd go for the job with the higher pay right? then you call me go do survey for fuck?!

-..-

and i saw something that made me totally feel 'what the fuck?!' again.

always and forever one eh. but ya, i don't have the rights to go and be angry anymore. after all who the hell am i to him right? he want talk to who also his problem what.

fuck. and i'm not even supposed to be afraid that he'll like her cause i have to trust him.

ya i trust he won't do anything wrong, but when it comes to affairs of the heart, who the hell can control it? it's just like how i won't place myself in a situation where i know i'll probably be attracted to that person what. and what's more he's a free man now.

fuck.

aiya i also don't know what's the point.

damn unhappy now feel like crying but like stupid?! i hate this lor i hate this. relationships aren't meant for people who think a lot.

people like me need a guy who can be faithful 24/7 . ya and my eyelid twitching really fucking accurate.

no pictures la. pekchek.

anyway house internet down, left with the one in my mums room. fucked up, sitting in the dark typing this blog post.

wonder why i'm still answering 'yes' to questions like 'do you have a boyfriend?' was momentarily stunned when my boss asked me that question. like what the hell am i supposed to answer sial.

'no, but i want my ex boyfriend back badly' meh? fucked up. then Bec said 'YES' on my behalf.


now i feel like vomiting. fucking insecure yet i have to be secure .BUT TO WHAT?! even trees need to have roots what right?

something to secure it firmly to the ground.

I DON'T KNOW LA. I WANT A BREAK.

from myself.

see even i can't stand myself, what more him, or my friends, or my family.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. i feel like screaming, but my parents will most probably be awake and scream at me.


aiya bye la. fuck. feel like calling him now. rest my fears, my weary heart.

our song .

"i don't want you to go to bed, mad at me."

it's a chore keeping thoughts at the back of your mind, concentrating on other things, not letting your mind wander to where ever.

so so many questions, and..... i just miss the sound of your voice.

it's gnawing at me, and i've never missed anyone/anything that much, i swear. and i hate being awake at night.

i miss him. the way he makes me irritated, the way he makes me feel damn fucked up, the way he calls me during his breaks, the way he makes me laugh by doing retarded kiddy stuff, the way he walks in front and makes me think he doesn't care about me then he turns around and waits for me and asks me to hurry up, the way he gets upset when i tell him about other guys, the way he asks about what i'm doing, the way he gets impatient when i'm late, the way he tells me he loves me, the way he smiles, the way his lips taste so smelly after he smokes, when his hands make mine smelly cause of his cigerettes, the way he
calls me baby, the way he says 'love you', the way he runs around making fun of people, the way he makes that face like he has a mental problem, the way he gets irritated at me, the way he tells me 'i don't want to talk to you', the way he snores when he sleeps, the way he hugs me super tightly when we sleep, the way he makes those little snuffly noises when he's asleep, the way he sings songs in the low key cause he can't reach the high parts, the way he sings 'hai kuo tian kong', the way he turns red during late nights, the way he makes me super hot cause his body heats up and we're hugging to sleep, the way he says 'don't doubt my love for you', the way he gets angry when i interfere into other people's things, the way he doesn't mind me however i look, the way he helps me adjust my shirt, the way he helps me carry my bag, the way he lets me into the cab first, the way he holds the door for me, the way he still kisses me when my eyes are full of eye shit, the way i know i can always call him and he'll be happy to hear from me, any day any time.

and now, things are different. i don't know where i stand anymore. i really don't. i miss you B, i fucking fucking miss you.

keeping myself busy busy, but errant thoughts still wander through, like 'will he reply my message?' or 'will he call me?'

i'm not being silly, i don't think i am. i've been a horrible girlfriend. a real horrible one. and i let him down.


i just..... i don't want to move on. i don't want to hold some other guys' hand, i don't want to call some other guy my boyfriend. i don't want to hear 'i love you' from anyone else.

a thousand, million, billion, trillion, zillion, gazillion times over, i'm sorry i'm sorry, i love you, i want you back, i'll never be that way again.

i swear, i swear.

and i hate to think of the thought that i've been pushing the furthest away.

maybe it's all too late.

please God, please don't let it be too late.



xoxo
if hearts could cry out,
if you could hear mine.

ps: take care of yourself.

sinking, sinking, sinking, sinking, sinking.

the R word, the R word, the R word.

and still, left with three of them.

with a hell lot of variations.

i miss you. i love you.

pick one.

my first regret.

these few days have been exhausting. especially last night and today.

rain rain and more rain. subbed Sebastian (Bec's) at Oriental, and i didn't have to work initially, but ..... yeah.

found out that i'm totally not cut out for Oriental kind of work, and found out that humans are quite nice when you break down completely.

headed to Sebastian's house after and spent the entire day solving stupid problems. entirely drained, like seriously.

last night was..... horrible.

but yes, i survived the night. and i'm going to survive other nights like these.

Thank God for good friends, i love each and every one of you. thank you very very much. <3 style="font-style: italic;">xoxo
you're my hearts desire.

ps: baby, i miss you. i really really, do.


edited:


fool. your heart broke again.

again, again again again, and again. this.hurts.so.motherfuckingly.bad.

fools gold

"hearts interwined; snap"


went to the interview thing with Bec, and that girl turned out to be Cheryl Chew.

wtf?! damn surprised when i walked into Starbucks and saw her sitting there. yeah.

headed to Oriental to get her pay, then Bugis to meet two of her friends. they were quite nice luh, and friendly (:

afterwards it was to Punggol (sp?) End with Bec and Sebastian (her boyfriend). rained halfway, and we ended up at the bus stop. called a cab and here i am at home. didn't manage to catch anything. enjoyed the rain though, it's been a long time since i've been able to stand under it for awhile, just feeling the way it falls on my skin.

i've learnt my lessons completely. and truly.

from one of Bec's friends. about trust between couples, about how it's very important. and her situation is exactly like mine; with a boyfriend who just went in the army (same date even), and with a five month plus relationship.

she trusts her boyfriend completely. and her boyfriend trusts her completely too. why is it so different in our case? i can't trust him, and he can't trust me. before i was too paranoid, way too much. and i couldn't see how much of a problem i had; and even when i said i knew, i still didn't get it.

didn't get much of it anyway. i caught the gist of it, but i didn't grasp the true concept. yes, i still do believe that love doesn't equate blind trust, but for love to actually work, you do need trust. and for me it's a leap of faith.

it took nearly 6 months for me to understand that. and God, why'd i have to get it at the end? but at least better late than never huh.

wo zhen de dong le.

so.....i'm not going to move on, neither am i going to stay waiting, hoping that he'll come back to me. i'll take initiative, yes i will. but not like how i was. like what _______ said, 'just take it a step at a time'.

was doing the twilight version of crying. the face scrunching up but no tears come out face. and somehow my heart was/is damn tired, like it's anathesized and it needs a long sleep. but somewhere there's still an ache all over it.

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry .

zhen de, hen dui bu qi.

and it's stupid, cause i'm typing as if he'll see it.



xoxo
baby, ily. ):

ps:

就算我们之间有什么问题
依然想念着你
虽然被放弃虽然我愿意

就算我们之间有什么难题
黑夜我还想着你
心碎人孤寂虽然我愿意
心还想着你

every, single, word. like always, like forever.

cause in your eyes i'd like to stay

i'll stop myself from picking up the phone, typing the words i want to say, keying in your number, and pressing send.

the times before i couldn't. the night before i didn't.

you can't say what you can't feel.

it's not that i won't mean them; it'll simply be because i can't feel them anymore.

darling, i do love you. but how much will i love you tomorrow? or rather, how much will i want to?

"cause when i'm with him i am thinking of you" "he kissed my lips, i taste your mouth"

how many days before i stop thinking of you, how long till i'll stop wanting you?

a part of this heart is already asleep.


but B..... it's all yours.




and i pressed send. yet again.

would tomorrow be the same as today?

"a heart that's missing you; a mind that doesn't want to."

was about to blog, then i recieved a phone call from Mabel.

"Eh Joh, come downstairs." went downstairs with the poker chips, and met with Mabel, John, Mingkang (bad ass), Roy and Wendy.

for once, it's hanging out at Sengkang instead of Hougang or something. went to the nearby pasar malam and Roy and Wendy bought 5 packs of durian for some really cheap price.

headed to a void deck near my house and ate them. heaty but yummmmmy luh. then we headed up to my place for some hold 'em, and the reason why i'm here blogging now is because i lost everything. LOL. twenty bucks to be exact.

oh well.

meeting Bec at 12 tomorrow. we're heading to Clarke Quay for some job thing, and it sounds quite good. better make some cash cause i've got debts to pay off and things to buy.

today was okay. better than all the 'days-after-breakup' so far. though i spent most of the day sleeping, it was okay, cause normally i can't bear being alone after a break up.

something very meaningful (at least to me) happened just now. or rather it was a part of conversation.

we were playing hold 'em, and i lost a certain amount of chips.

Mingkang: are you sure you know how to play?
Me: No lah, cause i don't want to regret ma! later if he don't have anything then i'll have that kind of feeling.
Wendy: playing hold 'em is about learning how to let go. i learned it from Royston.

and blablabla.

somehow that struck me. cause all along i've always gone for things even if there's only the slightest possibility, that littlest chance.

but yes, i've got to learn how to let go. start learning, at least. it's the best way to protect yourself from the worst hurt possible. have to go start becoming a little like this character that Cameron Diaz played in 'The Sweetest Thing'. She held back too much, never giving herself that chance to find someone to love, to let that someone love her.

so a little of that attitude, and a little of me might just equal something good yeah?

-..- okay bullshitting. but eh i'm really contemplating some stuff, and i hope i won't regret.

love him with everything, but..... i have to love myself too right? gah we'll see how it goes.

think it'll take very long before i get into a relationship with another guy. mentally scarred already. more than normal.

and some words are still making rounds in my mind.


shall post up photos as soon as i edit them. (:


xoxo
lovelorn, love lost.

ps: B. i've lost a part of me. not you.

i can't unlove you.

"the sky got bitter twisted"

i'm staring at the screen, wondering what to type. something happy? like "oh! today i xxxxxx." or something depressing like, "today xxxxx".

well, we broke up, like again.

and it seems like i'm drowning myself in dried mango. gah.

seems like life is at a standstill now. like a full stop. no, it's not that my life is over without him. it's just that i have no idea what to do right now. like still stunned, though i should have gotten over it; gotten used to it.

i hope that your words were true. having faith vs common sense, wonder which will win out? it's always my heart winning over my brain, so what about this time?

damnnnnn. insecurities vs faith. another thing that faith will never win, unless there's a good solid foundation. but based on the circumstances..... i really truly am sorry for what i did, but truth be told i don't think it's a very big thing cause nothing happened, but if it were me, i'd react ten times as worse.

chick vs dick is quite comforting though. thank God for funny videos that cheer me up tremmendously. i think i'm quite sick cause i'm laughing while they eat weird bugs and stuff.

if i lay here, if i just lay here, would you lie with me, and just forget the world?

fuck. i don't know you, and i don't know myself either. seems like everything with me is too intense, pulled too closely.

i'm sorry for not giving you what you needed, the reassurance that should have come in actions, instead of my just saying that i love you. cause what would do for me, wouldn't do for you.

how long is this time going to take again? part of me says 'don't cry, confirm okay one.', and another part goes 'but i can't help it.' and yet another part goes 'do you want to put yourself through this again?'

he's nice to me, he really is. he mightn't be the sweetest boyfriend, like how other girls have, he might not be the most thoughtful, but he does try, in his way. everytime we're in lovey dovey mode i'll forget what it used to be like when i thought i'd lose him for good, and i'd want more.

wishing that he'd be sweeter somehow, that he'd want to spend more time with me, forgetting that he's doing what he can in the way he knows the best. i've been selfish, and yet i was thinking of him too. it's hard to think of yourself and him in the same sentence, cause it'd seem like you're supposed to want the correct treatment, and you're thinking of reasons why you do deserve it, and you'd forget how the other person feels.

sad songs playing on repeat. i wish i had something to make me sleep.

i wish.....

i wish i had hugged him before he went in again.

and i never knew how much it affected. the extent. and i always thought i was the only one who was afraid of the other leaving.

God.....

never before have i said all the things i thought i'd never have to say, never would want to say.

feeling exhausted. way too exhausted by everything. pondering how long it'll last, how many times till it'll reach the limit, like the straw that broke the camels back. i hope your words stay true, else i'd not know what to do.

next song playing: incomplete

song on repeat: mad

song now : i'm alone now.

there's been so much confusion lately, you couldn't see that you were losing me.

sentence.

okay this post is long enough. i just messaged him. i have no idea why too. -..-

okay bye.


xoxo
never had a choice to make.

ps: to be your last romance.

you speak of promises and love kisses.

"the problem child i always was."

not feeling too good now. bloody stomachache got me spinning round round baby right round, and a quarrel with the boyfriend. but at least my stomach was alright after a solid nap.

mabel just asked me 'why are you so in love with August?' and i pondered hard about it, coming to a conclusion that ..... i have no fucking idea. but what does he like about me anyway? i have no idea either.

and..... once again i've made him disappointed. like great one Johanna. but, things aren't what they look like, cause the heart stays true. faithful, no matter what i might say. w0rds are words, but i've proved it all along, i know i did.

guess i was insecure all along, like what i said. you can't stop how a person feels, like what Bec told me. you can't, you just can't. so that's why i'm so afraid, but there was that reassurance, at long last. after ..... so many events. that 'they won't come back'. like finally, finally a part of me can be at ease.

and i guess i've really learned, that i can't grasp the most fundemental things, that are stuck in my mind on repeat, just not wanting to sink in.

i wonder what runs through his big head. what he's thinking of, blah blah.

i'm sorrrrry. i really am. kneeeeels * -..- i didn't put myself in his shoes, and think of how i'd feel if he were to do it to me. to some it'll seem like a small matter, but i guess it does look that bad, though things are really not what they seem to be.

okay i'm going to save some money and treat him to sakura or something. i feel extremely guilty now. ):

and i do hope he won't stay mad at me for too long.

rah. off to sleep. i feel a headache coming on.




xoxo
cause you mean the world to me.

ps: baby, i'm sorry.

cause i think the world of you.

these are from juncheng's birthday (Dated Friday). not all, but i can't be half arsed to upload all now.

met up with the Bitch for a late lunch in town. Crystal Jade food is deeelish, but i don't want to edit the photos of the food we ate now, cause i'm kind of hungry and there isn't anything to eat right now.







after, at Cathay. spent a super long time deciding what we wanted to eat. (Sakura, Astons, Billy Bombers?????)











the birthday boy!





at Billy Bombers' .









Mingkang getting slapped by Hong guo.

i have no idea what the hell is wrong with Singapore. everywhere is crowded eh. and i mean E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E. BBs was so full that we had to split up and sit separately.

have to remember to reserve places at Sakura when B books out this week. it's damn annoying when you're all geared up to eat some great sashimi and booom! those dreams are dashed cause of there being no seats available. well, the dreams of Hong guo, Mingkang and B anyway. but i was secretly relieved (HAHAHAHAHA), but quite annoyed too. i mean, you have to be on the WAITING LIST, to be on the RESERVATION LIST. waiting to be reserved. like seriously?!

okay one last photo.



maybe meeting Binghui for some chitchat? didn't meet Huiying after all, cause she had to leave early.

shall upload the rest of the photos tomorrow or something, or the next time i blog? maybe, but don't count on it.

and..... i feel slightly better now. no, much better, though there's still some unease lingering in the back of my mind. a miracle how a 'baby. xxxxxxxx. i love you!' can make me feel so much better. words, yes. but i believe he won't say it if he doesn't feel it.

so..... yeah, i'll curb my uneasy feelings, and proceed as follows. God, thanks for making me feel so much better.

okay, alright, alright, okay! -..-

meeting Cynthia on Tuesday i hope?

(: suddenly i have that super happy feeling again. mood swing officially over! -..- i sound like some retarddddddd.

kay byeee. <3 style="font-style: italic;">xoxo
still the king of my heart.

ps: baby, i do hope i have nothing to worry about.