so much.

i think i rely too much on my laptop and my phone. like so many other people nowadays. somehow it feels like i'm damn cut off from the rest of the world.

lol! and i thought john was playing the piano. then i was pleasantly surprised cause i was like 'eh so nice ah?!' but in the end it was just jay chou singing -.-

seems like really a lot of things have been happening. and everything is really about decisions, to go this way or the other.

how many times can one prove themselves, till it gets sick and tired, this whole cycle? things are different now, super different. in more ways than one in fact.

but, i know how sincere you are, how different you are now; even talking to my parents, coming all the way down not knowing what will happen. thank you, thank you.

it meant a lot to me, and it said a lot.

ahh i just need some time. a deal's a deal remember? <3


okay i miss cynthia ): powerhouse yesterday, and we met a lot of weird and lame guys with stupid pick up lines. omg super fucking cliche i swear, amusing though.



okay off. photos up soon (:


xoxo
love shouldn't leave.

ps: one more event to add on to what we've been through together. ily.

hate that i love you so.

i can't sleep. and it's nearing 7 in the morning.

gossip girl season 3 omg i love serena and blair and aiya everybody. shut up.

why can't i sleep.....? fuck this. FUCK. more than insomnia maybe. knn no shit again please. thanks.

lively

"left right left right"

i have a problem. i impulse shop a lot. as proven by today's trip to Daiso, i really can't quite control my spending and i end up with loads of question marks when i get home and really look at what i bought.

Yutong was kind enough to accompany me for an impromptu trip there, and he was the one pushing the trolley as i walked in front and kept tossing stuff into the cart. dinner at the food court after, and i can't help feeling scammed though it was only cai fan.

super tired!!!!! have to sleep early tonight, that's for sure. ended up sleeping at 6am. dratttttttttt.

okay shall go have some shut eye. photos up real soon. (:



xoxo

ps: too bad, cause you're one of the ones who'll never look at me.

wake up call

"decisions are so hard to make."

on the phone with Cyn now, and it's only 1:57am. drat it allllllll.

body aching, i think i'm aging at quite a fast rate, AND I'M HUNGRY AGAIN! fuck this. i can feel my face rounding out even further, my tummy bulging and my thighs expanding..... fuckkkkkkkk.

exercise more! i wanna go swimming soon, anyone?

school tomorrow, hafta sleep soon.

it's funny how things have come full circle. but why now, out of all times? it's hard, it really is hard. whyyyyyyy? and why this way manzx.

i think i repeat things too much. -..-

i sound boring manszxzx. i need to have fun weekends to keep me from feeling like going out during the weekdays.

need to do my brows, it's like a garden up there i swearrrrrrrr. and i hate my fringe now. like cui cui one. ):

Cyn isn't listening to me ): LOL

and i think girls gossip a lot about guys, and i luv looking at pretty girls. hehe.

kay bedtime! goodnight.


xoxo
what now, baby?

ps: i need time to sort everything out.

couldn't say what i really wanted to say. saved as drafts once again.

fuck i hate this, this part right here.

get the fuck out of my life. i mean it. do i?

heart constricting, and there's a sour feeling deep inside of me.

shut up and swallow it; don't fall. don't fall.

edited:

John: eh wait awhile can?
Me: why?
John: i want to go pom pom. can?
Me: okay lor i wait for you.
John: no i talk to you when i pom pom.
Me: how?!
John: 2009 modern technology loudspeaker!!!!!
Me: LOL

Me: (reading my love horoscope out loud) John: Then?
Me: (reading)
John: Then?
Me: (reading)
John: Then?
Me: finish liao lor.
John: wow.. i don't understand a single shit.

LOL and he act yi ge understand with all the then thens.....
that guy is an absolute idiot. swear. but i still luv him anyway! <3 Mr Asshole! (as friends luhhh ah duhhhhhh)

oh ya! CLICK ON THE NUFFNANG AD PLEASE!!!!! >>>>>>>>> thank youuuuuuu who ever clicks on it! :D

okayeeeee time to sleep. stupid john is mimicking people and their accents. HAHA and making weird sounds.

who's the one i'm supposed to be there for?

back home. omg i've no idea why my hands are trembling. -.- headache too, slight one. oh nooooooooo.

went to class today! and made some new friends! or rather, talked to new classmates. hahaaaaaa and class is actually fun! -..- and i kept talking a lot. like what iza said. and kept giving comments -..-

talked about drugs and tobacco and alcohol and all kinds of addictions. hmm pretty good though. the teacher is cute too! female of course!

and i think it has really become a habit to blog eh. like everytime i touch the computer. hahahaha.

so many things i wanna buy.....! have to restock on falsies, and i wanna buy Cyn's super powered eyelash glue..... andddddddddd a lot luh.

meeting Bec later. yay! to eat fries. okay i have a headache. WHY??!?!?! and i'm hungry again. wtfh.

okay go off already. need to rest asap. hehe :D


xoxo
and i love what you do,
don't you know that you're toxic?

ps: see you around. and i've got it all straightened out. like my thoughts! self-sufficiency is the best.

pay attention to my words

"no more than your heart"

just reached home and i think my mind is more tired than anything else. fuck this i tell you. fuck this.

that fucking Jackie bluff me and say that one submarine $200+ then i really went to believe him when it's only $20 plus. _l_ i sound like some suaku now.

Ruixiang says that the adult world is like that. if it really is, then i don't wanna be a part of it. a world where nothing really matters except the night and where the moments really are what they are; just moments.

when the sun rises, everything is different. save for a few. it fucking sucks.

superficiality and yet it's fun. i mean, seriously it doesn't mean that you can't just have fun right. but it's damn ironic the way you can feel super attractive one moment and fucking ugly the next. i don't think anyone gets it.

i really shouldn't do this anymore.

even looking at the people doing whatever around me..... and i wonder how real it all is, like that really can develop real relationship meh? then what's the point? sex? -.- ya maybe.

but no, not gonna be like that. cause someone told me, i'm the one who controls my own life. cliche but true. and ima make the right decisions.

cause i'm not that kinda girl. i am not. and i'm never gonna be like that. NA.

still, fun though.

maybe partying this friday. and plans during the weekend. have to fucking go down to boat quay mac to settle stuff. fucked up. just give me a broom and dustpan i help you clear your shit. HAHA. but okay i'm not gonna complain further since the person in question is nice.

fuck blabbering. school tomorrow. i like school. (:

kay byebye earthlingggggggs! or whoever's reading.


xoxo
once bitten twice shy

ps: i'm not a girl who thinks a guy is the answer; i'm just tired of being alone.


edited:

OH YA I REDYED MY HAIR WITH CYN TODAY! AND FUCK IT ALL NO DIFFERENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >=[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ actually have but still quite dark. it's supposed to be 'intense light ash blonde' or something like that. so hopefully it'll lighten with every wash since it's supposed to be ash. knn!

no more, no less

"you've to touch my heart"

some photos up. damn tired i swear!!!!! whole body aching like mad especially my thighs cause of the heels -..- super lousy.

oh yeah most of these pictures are stolen from fb. lost my memory card/forgot where i put it. fucking irritating i swear!!!!!

Joline and me at her house waiting for Cyn, Ruixiang and Jackie those idiots to wake up and get ready.





alot more, but they're at fb.

at raining bar.



Ruixiang! and Sylvester in the background. (ballum?????!!)





some of the people we were with. (Sylvester, Jonathan, Ruxiang, Weijian, Victoria, Cyn, Joline, and two other people i can't remember the names of.><)

ending off with this! Ruixiang + Jackie = Love.



HAHA CLASSIC. idiots i swear. keep calling each other BANG BANG. -.-

wha lao i'm hungry again, and this isn't good. keep eating at weird timings for the foods loaded with the most fats/calories. omg.

school today! was slightly late and paid the uncle in coins, as usual. LOL seriously i wonder when i'll be loaded.

fuck i hate superficiality. and yet it somehow intrigues me and makes me wanna analyze that whole scene. dangerous though. dangerous.

it's hard, this whole thing. it's like i should know better than to sink in it but..... interesting luh!

go figure.


okay school tomorrow. byebye

xoxo
true to your faith.


edited

"for a guy like you/ it's dangerous"

just got back home after a tiring day of school. HAHAHA. decided to stack my posts up TWO INTO ONE! hahahahaha

went for impromptu zi char with Binghui, Andy and Edwin Choo. the kangkong is super delicious!

school was ..... nothing much. i think i'm fine being alone though it's nice having people to talk with. IZA YOU DIDN'T COME SCHOOL! ):

and the first thing that happened when i walked into class yesterday was "who's that girl?" LOL from some guy whose name i can't quite remember.

damn irritating only. heard that there are assignments coming up. crap lor i tell you ):

tired like..... some kind of..... and my head hurts too. no idea why i'm rambling on like that.

sudden mood swing feeling coming crapz i swear.

i hate having words that i can't say trapped somewhere just cause it's not possible for me to say em or cause i don't know how to. and that's rare. perhaps in a few days i'll know how to phrase em and one of my lovely girls will have to be my listening ear.

i love you (: and. i miss you. no, this ain't referring to a guy.


xoxo
toxic boys can't play for keeps

ps: i really hope you're happy now. i'd look back and wonder sometimes, what it'd would have been like, but i catch myself in the nick of time. cause i know we're better off where we are now, no matter how happy we were in the past. but still, sometimes. sometimes. wxn.

utterly exhausted, good and bad. back to normal life! this whole week has been surreal in a way.

meeting so many new people, seeing more of the good the bad and the extremely ugly.

photos up soon! omg lots of unglams i swear swear swear swear swear.

i think people like me aren't cut out for the adult world at all. it was fun dipping my toes in for a few moments though; i think the kiddy pool is still the best for me.

HAHA chicken!

okay damn fucking tired school tomorrow. OH GOD.

i hate it when emotions get the better of me, and it's hard to control myself especially when intoxicated cause i get affected by stuff so much more. and even the teeniest amounts gets my heart beating fast and face red. -..- lousy shit.

on the phone with Bec now. byebye!


xoxo
cause you can't fool me

ps: weird.

just got back. i'm not tired but my whole fucking body feels damn exhausted.

went to a last minute chalet with Cyn and met some really nice people there, then went for dinner blabla, and wanted to go club at the last minute.

SO! going with Cyn, Ruixiang, Jackie, plus a few other older females and another friend of theirs. super weird i swear, but it's important for..... some stuff.

hope we can get in. fuck i hate to be underage, but then again i don't wanna be over 18. FUCK SIAN!!!!!

k time to go bathe. have to get ready in half an hours time. omg wtf.

okay i like being busy like that, cause it keeps my mind off shit like .....

hope we'll have an awesome time with the company and OH YA I BOUGHT HEELS YAY!!!!! but i can foresee my legs being fucking tired later.

ah i want a full body massage ):

okay bye.


xx

all the things a girl should know/ all the things she can't control

"if he saw me hurt this way"

i'm bored. just did my nails and have been chatting with Cyn for the whole night.

ooh did cherry tomato kind of red and black tips. i think it looks kinda weird, but aiya shan't remove em. hands kept shaking though, like shiver shiver * -.-

i wanna go shopping! there's a long list of whatever i wanna buy.

meeting up with K and the rest tomorrow in the noon, and on friday night it's Jonathan's house havoc time. HAHA not really la, but it's like a remake, cause his parents are going out of town.

feel like playing mahjong again suddenly -.-

ooh wanna get a proper foundation. fuck acne scars! damn irritating i swear.

FUCK. mozilla crashed and my whole fucking post is gone. KNNNNNNNNNN. so turn offish i don't wanna blog already ): and i was in my element some more lor! like with proper thoughts and all.

kay nvm pictures first. most of em are of Cyn and i from these past few days.

at town to catch a movie that has Bruce Willis in it.
OH! 'The Surrogate' NOT BAD actually.





H.Plaza to play pool with a few friends.





Karaoke place at Bugis with Cyn, Jianbing, John, Zhixiang and Peter. quite nice luh the place! there was a smoke machine and they totally overdid it by pressing the button manically. had to literally escape -..-





MICKY!!!!! (mickey) Zhixiang and Ruixiang's dog. damn cute!!!!! and she's really obedient t







seems like a lot happened and like a long while has passed, but actually it's only been a few weeks.

was thinking about stuff, and how sad i was over A, blablablablabla. and i think i really let my emotions get the better of me too much. i should have handled em better, should've let go with more dignity and grace.

never thought i'd be okay now though, not this soon. never thought i'd wake up and go through the day with my thoughts being far away from where he is. never thought i'd be able to smile and just be happy. never thought i'd be able to say, it's a good thing that he's with another girl, never thought i'd be able to say that i'm glad we broke up.

but maybe that's just me, cause i tend to take good things out of everything that happens, even if i feel damn fucked up about things. everything happens for a reason; it just takes a little time and perspective to get a good look at the bigger picture. i guess somehow, in some way, everything will just fall into place yeah?

i like living in the moment; it creates many more memories for me to look back on. but at the same time i've to live in the future as well. cause it's not good to forget responsibilities the way i've been doing for too long.

okay too lengthy! my diary is a good place to store all my thoughts. now if only my parents can stop reading it.....

oh ya dad locked the metal gate today using the actual key and not just for the lock . fucking annoying. when my sister asked him why he locked it, he replied: 'eh so nobody can go out at night.'

-..- wtf obviously talking about me! damn irritating. i hope it doesn't become a habit of his to lock everything. fucked up. but smart though. >>>>>:[ that's how irritated i am.

okay calling Cyn back, though something tells me she's nearly asleep.


xoxo
uh oh, uh oh.

ps: (:

it seems like a lot has been happening recently, these few days especially. have no idea what i'm doing sometimes, but i know it's not enough to just blame it on external factors.

going with the flow seems like a good idea, but sometimes it just gets too damn overwhelming, till it feels like there's a current trying it's hardest to drag you under. and yet it's hard to resist, cause it's the first thing that makes you feel even slightly better.

okay enough with the ~

first time in a thai disco with Cyn, Ruixiang, Zhixiang, Peter and Jackie (Jacky)? quite not bad, cause there were pretty girls everywhere! super hot, i swear. went off around three plus to another one, and it's damn annoying cause of the whole underage thing.. it was kind of a different environment, and i think i like to people-watch a lot.

the whole saggitarian thing about emotional detachment is quite true. didn't use to think so but after all this.....

it's just weird.

okay i've no idea what i'm thinking about everything's a blur -.- can't seem to concentrate. shall go chat and stuff. kbye


xoxo
i'll pretend. pretend.

"hey stranger,"

seems like damn long since i've touched a computer, but i think it's only been two nights?

Cyn and i went for mahjong at Zhixiang's place with his brother. blablablablabla. had fun i guess?

i think it's a little creepy the way i said, "you remember that mv we saw at my place about the guy in the club and he didn't know which girl to go up to? it's all about decisions lor. imagine if we went to club just now instead of coming here"blablablablabla.

haha okay that is usually quite significant somehow. :D

i guess we also found out quite a lot of stuff i guess? and it's very weird in a way. very.

okay i think i'm blabbering. can't blog properly irritating.

oh ya school start already. knn!!!!! but okay better than wasting time around. BUT I STILL HAVE ACTIVITIES LEH DON'T LIKE THAT LEH. tmd.

choose choose.....~


xoxo
next to your heart

ps:it sucks mother fucking balls i swear!!!!! fuck this man. FML.


edited:

heading out w the same people +1. i wanna have fun fun fun fun fun. but i'm falling asleep waiting for them to come pick me up. i hope i see pretty girls later on too!

utterly bored. wanna mahjong siaaaaaaa.

wanna clean up my room too, but haven't gotten around to hanging up all my clothes. say yay for new hangers! black ones -.-

maybe clubbing later. hopefully so, cause i'm itching to go. (eh rhymes!) sigh booooorrrrrrrrreeeeee-innnnnnnngggggggggg.

head hurts somewhat which is weird cause i just woke up from weird sleep, and i feel damn fat now ): plus some tummy cramps. oh my weird! okay bye bye.


xoxo
won't be soon before long

edited:

Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. It still doesn’t mean anything. It’s what you do to the people you say you love, that’s what matters. It’s the only thing that counts.

I finally found it in me to forgive you for what you’ve done. No, see, I know you don’t think you did anything wrong, and that made it so much harder to forgive you. But you did, you walked away when I needed you most. I forgive you, but I’ll never forget the way you made me feel when you walked away.

so, so true.

(both via eletheowl)

"be careful, it's delicate/ it could crumble apart"

i luv Kinna grannis. she's absolutely amazing and talented. check her out on youtube! i luv every one of her covers and songs. talented, i swear.

have so many things i wanna buy, and so many things i have to do. sick.

went back to my insane_cupid_love acc, and i realize that there are so many people in there that i've forgotten. and i'm going around asking 'hi! who are you?' -.- satisfying my curiosity.

LOL and i'm irritating people with questions like 'so how've you been since the last time we chatted?' i tell you they confirm think i weird and wanna act friendly. but i'm really bored. so.....

aiya i don't know which photos to post up so my blog will remain boring and photo-less. ~~~~~

okay shall go attempt to clean up my room and make a checklist of what i wanna buy blablablablabla.

-.- i wish my house had a sofa in the living room. seriously! it'll be so much easier if i wanna have friends over and they'd have a place to sit. -.-

okay byebye maybe i'll come back to share my thoughts or whatever.


xoxo
lips like sugar

weary, wary.

it's been less then/than 24 hours since i reached home, and i feel way too bored.

too many thoughts going on in my head as usual. wish i had the power to do everything right from the start. to choose differently. strangely enough, i'm not even talking about matters of the heart.

it's not fair sometimes. but then again, nothing really is.

self exile, till saturday. these days are dragging on..... and on.

i hate picking up the pieces. hate having to keep plodding on when all i wanna do is stop and rest. but then/than again, i'd hate to be stuck with all these thoughts like how i am right now.

i wanna eat chocolates now. bye


xoxo
love game

ps: i'd never thought i'd understand, never thought i'd feel sickened by it all. cause it was just a game, just a game. nothing should ever be taken at face value anymore. and i'm afraid the rest will be just like you, just like you. hearts should come with safety equipment and a metal cord wrapped tight so we'll never or lose it.

fucking tired i swear. exhausted and yet i've to work cause i told Junkai i will, although my whole body is screaming for me not to.

i'm aching all over, kinks in my shoulders, throbbing headache, arms hurt; even my ass is aching.

Cyn's sleeping peacefully in my bed but poor her has to wake up in approximately 35 minutes.

supposedly it was just mahjong today (at freaking 10 am) with John, Junkai, Jonathan and Cyn. then after that was their friend's birthday party (HAPPY BIRTHDAY BY THE WAY!).

he was damn sporting. one of the most sporting people i've ever met, in fact. then went with them to play pool. i've to improve lah!!!!! damn annoying.

i think i like to analyze people way too much. cause i notice even the smallest details, blabla. and it affects my impression of that person.

K session at Bugis after. and here i am at home. what the fuck......... tired.

saw the weirdest looking cockroach today. like seriously. stared at it and .....

okay goodnight.


xoxo
taste of you.

am currently at K's now, while she's bathing, BUT SHE DOESN'T WANNA BATHE (smelly).

we went for badminton, or at least attempted to play for fifteen minutes then it was "rest time"..... and she's so hyper over .....

HAHA. Just Kidding. jkjkjkjkjk.

went out with Cyn yesterday and we watched 'Surrogate'..... nua-ed around blabla, and miraculously made plans at the spur of the moment, and ended up playing pool at Plaza with some friends.

she spent the night at my place and helped me make up my mind over some stuff. thankkkkk you darling. :D

then it was dinner with Cyn and Bec at C.point. been some time since we've spent time together, the three of us. they headed off to Yishun while i went off to meet K.

super tired! zzzzzzzzz.

okay shall stop blogging and entertain K. (:


byebye


xoxo
no it's not .

lol.lol.lol.lol.lol.

ya. lol. ya lol. ya lol. ya lol. ya lol.

no idea what the fuck i'm typing, but somehow it's in sync with my thoughts, in an extremely abstracted way.

in a mess, but what's new.

do it like that Colbie Calliat song and go singing 'i think i've fallen for you."

fuck this.

"doesn't change anything, sorry."

random photos.

from lantern hunting

from FEP. didn't lose them after all.

maybe i don't want the truth anymore. after all i've always been comfortable with self delusion. maybe i should start lying, if that's what makes everyone happier.

i'd want the power to control everything around me, just so things could be perfect. but in a perfect world, things mightn't fall into place the way i want it to be, cause it'd be perfect for everybody, and not just me. so wouldn't it be better if things were perfect?

what would you choose: to be able to control what happens around you, or for a perfect world?

i lied. i lied. but i guess that will make everything easier.

am i a super inhuman bitch to not want to be the one who gets hurt? or am i just being human. cause everybody has to get hurt, no matter how things turn out.

i'm safe in my thoughts. i'm happier away from reality. i want to sleep forever just so i'd be able to stay in my dreams where it's perfect.

there's a phrase that goes 'strangers stab you in the front, friends stab you in the back, and a boyfriend stabs you in the heart.' so true, so true.

i want to move on, but i'm afraid to. i don't think my heart will ever work the same way. not when it's been broken so many times in so many different ways. i think i'll always be afraid from now on. i don't think i'll be able to trust anyone with my heart again.

or maybe i just need to meet the right guy, and he needs the right instructions.

i don't know what i'm doing. i think my ears only want to hear what i want to hear. and yet i don't want anyone to lie to me.

cb i'm such a troublesome human.

great found another bruise.

xoxo

i'm a liar.

i need explanations, and not an apology.

i need to be worth that little bit, at least.

i need you to give me that closure. but will you?

with everything i have

my heart feels so broken that i don't think that it's beating right anymore.

i need a hug badly.


but the very person i need is the very one i can't have.
and maybe i can't make it on my own after all.

distractions

movie tomorrow w John. i wonder if it'll fail again. I.WANNA.CLUB.LA. damn.

and i accidentally deleted photos with Hs from FEP. okay only two la. but like cute only. -.-



i'm so going back for that thing with the gingko nuts. nice!!!!!





see my good skills



and karen's lousy one.





like lousy only! so blurred.

i really want a new phone. and a lot of things amongst others.

feeling exhausted plus i think i'm sick. damn urgghhhh-ish! ): i wanna eat though. campbell soup in chicken or mushroom flavor please!..... ):

super hungry. and sleepy. someone save me please!

mum got pissed off at everyone in the family except for me. now that i'm really thinking about it, i realize that that's actually a first. cause normally she's not angry at anyone, EXCEPT for me.

-.- it was about some smoking thing..... and i think she's angry at dad cause i think that she thinks that he's being a bad influence.

i'm really effing hungry.

grumbles*



xoxo
you don't stand a chance

through the eyes of my best friends

uploaded from K's. (yesterday at Mall, while waiting for Bec)

going out with her again later to get her tauhuay from town i guess?

omg i am so bored. i wanna watch a movie!!!!! oh ya and i wanna club tomorrow.

something bad is gonna happen. but i don't know what and it's making me uneasy. really uneasy.

fuck this.


xoxo

ps: for once i feel..... free. like how i was almost one whole year before. and i love this feeling, swear! though it's not like i completely lost feelings for ______, i just..... moved on. guess i outgrew being head over heels in love or something, and i feel so damn proud of myself. [;


edited:

the lenses Mum ordered for me from freshlook aren't big enough or something, cause my pupils are clearly visible through the whatever. okay wasted. luckily i still have spare freshkon ones, but i want brown ones!!!!! instead of my grey ones. ): okay i'm damn late. byebye

fuck this i think i'm falling sick. and i swear it's thanks to _________, cause i was fine yesterday.

long days these days. tired like some kind of.....

today was FEP with Huishan for mani/pedi = $10 only!!!!!!!!!!! then met up with John at Hougang, then with Karen for dinner, then Bec for her Mac. (rhymes!!!!!)

yesterday was..... i forgot.

clubbing on Saturday? cyyyyyynnnnn.....!

just wanna rest though; exhausted through and through. sneezing all through out. omg.


kay bye.


xoxo
i got over you.

ps: it really did it in, and i find. yeah i'm happier now. [: hating you has never been easier.