i feel so fucked up right now. grumpy like someone stole all my cookies when i'm having a gigantic cookie craving and that was the only box of cookies i'd have for the day.

came close to throwing a huge tantrum when A was over just now. i'm really sick and tired of this, but i have no idea what 'this' refers to.

and i'm supposed to change my attitude. but how am i supposed to control my temper if i'm PMS-ing or something? which i bet i probably am. cause it happens every month, this frustration thingy. isn't it in every girls right to be able to have mood swings till she's satisfied?

feel like screaming, and i did. loudly, which earned me a 'wtf?!' from my sister.

aiya this SUCKS BALLS. i have so much pent up rage and frustration in me right now that it's a little scary. i actually feel like punching the wall and crying.

i wanna go on a holiday. ): but God knows i don't deserve one.

fuck this. bye.

party?

i feel so ........................ unfulfilled.

anyone who wants to kill me now probably will have to drag me there, and i will probably put up a big fight.

how can i die now? there're so many things i've not done yet. so many plans for me to fulfill. but seriously all these can't happen unless i stop being so freaking lazy.

i really piss myself off sometimes. no wait, all the time really.

should get off these rose colored glasses/contact lenses and really smell the cheap coffee right in front of me. (Though probably it won't be that cheap, maybe from starbucks or something.)

anyway, this was when we all went to watch that movie which i can't quite recall the name of. OH! Law Abiding Citizen. good show, but it doesn't really grab at me much.






goal: get a job by CNY. a proper one. oh yeah and i have to get to the library asap since i'm almost done with my books.

wanna shop shop shop shop shop! kay shall go off already. lotsa things to do. sad face *



xoxo
lest my heart would break.

i have no idea why i keep eating. frankly i am disgusted by my fats and it's quite disturbing how i can still keep eating without feeling full, or when i don't feel the slightest bit hungry.

i think my parents are already wondering what's wrong with me since they both asked me why i'm eating so much today.

psychological factors maybe? oh God but what could i ever achieve by becoming a great big whale of a human?!

stop me stop me. please?

this is for all the people who keep insisting that Lady Gaga has a dick. look at her crotch area, dyou think there is a space for a dick?!?!?!?! NO.

stfu from now on, tyvm.

mind boggling, mind blowing

i wonder why some things come so automatically to some people. like beauty, wealth, knowledge, or even confidence. it all seems to come so easy to them, and people like me watch in wonder, and sometimes these feelings are tinged with envy, more so these past few years.

call me crazy but i'd wish for a superpower, to be able to know what people are thinking, or to know how to teleport, or change my appearance; with the latter, at least i'd be able to know what it feels like to be beautiful.

i guess there's something that everybody envies in someone else, no matter how perfect he/she is. thin, thin line between jealousy and envy, and it's hard not to stray into the darker of the two, though they're sins in their own right.

reading books about witches/vampires/lyncanthropes/fey/demons etc, can't be good for me. reading is a whole new world i can get lost in. how can people not enjoy being able to read? it's one of the greatest joys in this world, and it's being taken for granted in some countries, and held as a treasured gift in others.

but it's weird, cause i've developed urges to become a witch. :/ reading makes me go all foggy, like a persistent fever, robbing me of ability to do little but converse and read. plus the book seems to pull me into it, till i've finished reading.

okay i think i sound quite mad. oh well.

photos from that day with Lois at Taka: (am unsure if i've posted them up here yet)











A's heading for another trip to the blasted South China Seas. no offense, but i think no one knows how worried i get whenever he sails. blame it on an overactive imagination, but a little part of my mind never rests easy till he contacts me again. God, i am such a worrywart when it comes to him.

anyway, am reminded by Joey's blog that i need a new scent. am so tempted by the ones with vanilla scented notes in them..... plus i really really need a new wallet.

might be heading up/down to Malacca next week with the folks to get my CNY clothes. i hope that place doesn't disappoint me, cause it's been too too long since i've gotten any decent shopping. i love the thrill of getting home and trying on all my new purchases, but i hate the pang of disappointment i get when i get through them all, and realize that nothing's left.

and the craving for more clothes come again.....

doubt anyone really read till this point, except maybe for Cyn, since i've asked her to peruse this particular blog entry to see how i've gone quite mad.

i should be born in England or something. ah well. ttfn!


xoxo
hush hush

too young for love

this has been a week or so full of pain. I AM NOT JOKING. fever + runny nose + fucking pain throat inflammation + headache + eye infection + body aches + stomach cramps every now and then..... and the list goes on.

meet up with Cyn on friday night. we watched 'Daybreaker'/s?, and it's a nice enough movie with a good plot, but an ending that could've done better, imo. it left people like me with too many questions; it's gonna be better if there's a sequel? but there were quite a few parts in there that made me go 'O.O! nice!'

after the movie we walked around the half-dead town, literally walking up and down, up and down..... did you know that there are at least 6 seven-elevens (haha) in town that are only a few km away from each other? total overload! plus things in 7-11 are getting so much more expensive in comparison to places like Cheers.

Settled on a bench outside the MRT at Dhoby Ghaut (we walked all the way from Cine), and just talked and talked and talked. been long since i conversed this much with a fellow human being, though i'm always talking. this resulted in me currently having no voice. which was following a day of ultra-sexy husky tranny voice.

headed home at around 8-9 am, and i went to meet Huishan after i got up. was wearing glasses due to the fact that my eyes were in a horrible state (eye shit + sensitive skin around it due to rubbing at it) and i couldn't wear lenses. damn horrible i swear! felt so scared.

A came to look for us while Hs was doing her hair (red highlights), and he brought me home to change my clothes to go to town. (Huishan, Mingkang, Weiliang, Aldrin, Chuan Xun). watched the 'Toothfairy', which was pretty funny if not for the fact that my head was hurting damn badly.

didn't know A had already called my mum to tell her that he was bringing me out. -.- after the movie we all went to Aldrin's place, where the guys mahjonged and Huishan and i fell asleep upstairs! poor girl was having one of her migraines again. but luckily it went away also.

okay, i seem to be quite immune to the medicine that is for 'pain/fever' cause it's also supposed to cause drowsiness but i'm not sleepy, and the pain hasn't gone away. sad face *

came here wanting to blog a few sentences and a huge chunk of word vomit spilled out. i think it's to make up for me not being able to really talk right now. my voice sounds horrid!

these days i'm wondering about love, and honestly i think we're really too young. how'd you know that this is the person you love? or is it just a really really strong feeling?

humans are habitual creatures. we fall into habits and keep repeating the same old patterns just because it's easier not to break out of it. i'm asking myself questions that i've never ever thought i'd ask.

and it's difficult when my heart is split both ways.....

get my drift?



x

Cyn: i have to do blablablablabla, study blablabla, then my business law how?!?!?!
Me: so do you want to go out or not tonight?
Cyn: Yes.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.


story of our lives.

i think all females should view this. omgz! i'd love to have even a quarter of what she has! cannot imagine how her wardrobe must be like.

i hate rich people!!!!! HAHAHA. grumpy*

and it's from all the good brands! plus it shows that she's really good cause she uses the quality products from those brands, and not just blindly buying just cause they're branded. cause some products are really over-hyped or marketed too much and just not that good, but her products are all mostly the really famous for their quality kinds.

nice. real nice.

shall go sulk already. totally sian diao. HAHA



x

to the fullest.

"always keeping my head down"

decided to blog, again.

with photos this time. these are from a few weeks back, with @cynthianeo_xr at town.

it was like a full on date thing! look at what we did.

Movie (Sherlock Holmes) > Neoprints > Pool > Movie (Avatar) > Home/A. swear i love her, hehe. but we were quite dumb, cause we could have 6 neoprints, and instead we only had 4 cause we didn't press properly. and Cyn is damn bad at decorating neoprints! HAHA

i like taking neoprints lor. effect is nice and all, i remember the olden days where all the poses would be thought about so seriously. HAHAHAHA. twit much????? plus it's so much more expensive lor! $2 more than last time. >:

didn't take many photos that day, but here are some:

Cyn pretending to be engrossed in the neoprint.



my turn














HAHAHA. and Cyn has a cool dad. he has a chalet for his birthday leh! i'm gonna bring my dad to club on his birthday. HAHAHAHA. FEB 4TH.

ooooh. so tempted to go out today! but.....can't luh. and greedy me is looking for another job. that pay really kinda bo hua. anyway, shall take advantage of my MC.

:D


off i go to rest before deciding what to do 2night. goodnight people!



xx
la vita e bella,
la vita e amore

something about this cycle makes me feel so damn sick. break up patch up break up patch up. it makes me feel..... totally void of emotions after awhile.

yes i cry, yes i still 'love' him. but what's there to love about someone who does this over and over again? no matter how much it is my fault, it shouldn't be this way.

i'm not that kind of little woman, not the girl that is obedient, or soft spoken, or one who doesn't flare up, and i'm not very known for my patience either. i can try to be, but that's not me.

i like to have fun, i want to do things that people don't allow me to just because i can, i have problems with being punctual, i put my feet up cross-legged whenever i get the chance to, i cuss and swear all the time, and i'm prone to rash acts when my temper gets the better of me. those aren't good attributes at all, but those things are what makes me, me.

love me for who i am. not who you want me to be, please.

and yet, each time i let myself get sucked back in, simply because 'i still love him'. i wonder when it'll all end, for good.

each time this comes around, it's a stab to an already dead heart.

worth loving? ironic, since this is the question everybody posed to me.

too bad, if someone else takes my place? well, too bad for you if someone else takes yours. and i mean it. or perhaps it's just the fever talking.

been sick in bed for the past few days or so. throat's killing me, and it seems like every time something happens to me regarding my relationships, i fall sick and feel even worse. fuck my life much?

i'm..... confused. really confused. about what i want, who i want, and where this is going.

i'd hate to say goodbye, but at the same time, i'd love to if only to prevent any more tears shed, heartbreak.

maybe this time it'd be different, maybe this time..... i won't be waiting anymore.

so many maybes, and only one which requires actually willpower and strength. today's the 20th.

happy 1 year and 2 months. or not.

i will change, and i swear to God i already am, changing. however, Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was it built in two months or so. these things take time.....

so so many problems, so so little time. going back to bed. at least i'll have a 50% chance of having a good dream. gnight whoever!



xoxo
pleasantries

again again again again again.

puppet

"pictures can't be what they seem all the time"

sometimes i wonder who to count on when i need someone, even just to talk to. i guess i understand insecurities better than i can dismiss their presence.

if i need a hand to hold on, to make sure yours is available.

-

anyway, Bec's coming over later, to chill and just catch up? next week on is gonna be busy busy busy.

loads of stuff i wanna buy, loads of stuff to get on with doing.

k, going to bathe and get ready.

long post coming up (:


xoxo

Baby, i'm sorry.

well i bet you did

'ooh whatcha say, ooh that you only meant well?'

it's only been a week or so (lesser?), since i promised A that i won't go clubbing ever again without his permission.

fucking lame only! fucked up when i have to choose like that.

am complaining about it to Huishan, cause MTV's playing the usual kind of songs that will be played, and it's making me feel totally..... itchy for partying.

can feel it snapping slowly. and i'm the kind of person who'll feel like doing it even more when i'm not allowed to do a certain thing. the irritating kind of person who'll insist on doing the opposite, 'just because i can'. okay, not till that extent, but still.

i understand why he'll be concerned, but seriously, loads of people go partying, and nothing's ever happened. sure yeah there are people of the opposite gender there (duh), but it's not like i let myself get grinded nor let myself get touched all over.

there's always a choice, like saying no when someone tries to get fresh, or walking away when there are attempts to dance intimately.

A says that people who go to club are disgusting and desperate and he said that he felt very sick at thoughts of me going to club. yes, there are people who go there to chat up with the opposite sex, but frankly speaking there are a lot of others who go there just to have a good time. (like me).

what's wrong with dancing with my girls and enjoying myself? and it's not like he doesn't know that i don't dance with guys (unless they're super cute/i don't have a choice) since we've went together before.

if he reads this, he'll think that i'm very unhappy and unwilling to promise him that. it's not that i'm unwilling, it's just that i'm not that willing either. LOL. does that even make sense?

to fuck with 'i'll give you your freedom'. i don't even drink eh. no matter how many people ask me to, or even if there are shitloads of alcohol. i know my limit is fucking low, so i don't drink. most only a few cups that's super light and that's it. responsible okay?

sucks when people doubt my ability to take care of myself. i take care of others too okay. just ask my friends.

oh ya speaking of alcohol. i hate it when i see drunk girls. like the ones who drink too fast, too much and end up slumped somewhere totally unconscious. it's damn sick and i hate being near them. you never know when they're going to go all Merlion-like and barf their whole days worth of food out. ick much?

plus it's f disgusting to see guys who swoop in at such moments and kinda take advantage of them, on the pretext of 'taking care of them'. i mean come on la. we all know that it's not out of the goodness of your heart that you're hugging that girl so closely to yourself 'to keep her from falling'. not pointing anyone out in particular, but i'm just saying.

i think it's really scenes like that make me feel very disheartened for those ladies. loss of dignity, extreme humiliation, and it can't be that hygenic either to be covered in your own puke. i mean, there's nothing wrong with drinking, but know your limit and don't go over that. sprawling on the floor half dead from the alcohol never does make anyone look attractive.

okay, i know i'm talking as if i've never had my own accidents, never puked, never felt so exhausted that i simply felt that i had to sleep at that very moment and just sat down there to rest. but i swear i take care of myself.

okay actually i guess i'm just jealous, cause it seems like my youth is ending right now. no more partying. fml.

it's not as if i depend on it a lot or what, it's just that during those moments it's really like you don't have to give a shit as to what goes on outside and you can just enjoy and get lost in the fucking-loud-it-makes-your-eardrums-throb-for-minutes-on-end-after music.

aiya okay pointless post; just needed to rant. who gives a damn anyway.


x

how to save a life

it seems like i'm apologizing more and more these days than most; letting down more and more people whom i do love.

it's hard to pick up the pieces, hard to put them back together again, after all the times i've just stood there and let everything fall apart and just haphazardly piecing them together again.

i need help, not judgment. but somehow it's too selfish of me to expect people not to; judge, that is.

i did what i had to, i really did. i'm not proud of it, but what else could i do? i couldn't stand aside and not do anything, i couldn't.

and i'm sorry for that. regarding this matter, i do know what i am doing, and i do hope that i will have the strength to walk away from it all if this continues to sink.

there are a lot of things i have to think long and hard about, regarding what i want to do with my life especially. frankly speaking i'm at a loss.

wish we were back in secondary school. things were easier, brighter, less complicated then. at least i know where i was going.

so much i want to say, too much.

honesty, honestly.


x


edited: (taken from Esther's)

( ) stayed single for the whole year
(x) made out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
( ) celebrated Halloween
( ) kissed in the rain
(x) had your heart broken
(x) broke someone else’s heart
( ) had a stalker
(x) went over the minutes on your cell phone
(x) had a good relationship with someone
(x) someone questioned your sexual orientation
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) had an abortion
(x) have a relationship with someone you’ll never forget
(x) done something you’ve regretted
(x) lost faith in love
( ) kissed under a mistletoe

( ) painted a picture
( ) wrote a poem
( ) ran a mile
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
(x) posted a blog
(x) listened to music you couldn’t stand
(x) went to a sleepover
( ) went camping
(x) threw a surprise party for a friend
(x) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
(x) visited a foreign country
(x) cut in a line of waiting people
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren’t
(x) partied to celebrate the new year
(x) cooked a disastrous meal
(x) lost something/someone important to you

In 2009 I…
(x) broke a promise
(x) lied
(x) went behind your parents back
(x) cried over a broken heart
(x) disappointed someone close
(x) hid a secret
(x) pretended to be happy
( ) slept under the stars
( ) kept your new years resolution
(x) forgot your new years resolution
(x) met someone who changed your life
( ) met one of your idols
(x) changed your outlook on life
(x) sat home all day doing nothing
(x) pretended to be sick
( ) left the country
(x) almost died
(x) given up something important to you
( ) lost something expensive
(x) learned something new about yourself
(x) tried something you normally wouldn’t try and liked it
(x) made a change in your life
(x) found out who your true friends were
(x) met great people
(x) stayed up til sunrise
(x) cried over the silliest thing
(x) was never home on weekends
( ) got into a car accident
(x) had friends who were drifting away from you
( ) had someone close to you die
(x) had a high cell phone bill
(x) spent most of your money on food
(x) had a fist fight with the wall
( ) went to the beach with your best friend
(x) saw a celebrity
(x) gotten sick
( ) liked more than 5 people at the same time
(x) became closer with a lot of people 


i like doing quizzes like that. ahahaha thanks Esther. :D oh yeah i realized i didn't lose anything this whole year! like zai or what? except for my pouch thingy on my birthday, but that's not counted cause i got it back!

kk ttfn.

2010

so bored.

should make use of the time to do my 2010 new year resolutions, and actually stick to them. couldn't be bothered to do them in 2009, probably wouldn't have stuck to them anyway. -.-

recap of 2009 = it was an eventful year! a lot of things happened in my personal life. learned a lot of lessons, and went through a lot of shit emotionally. but hey, i'm fine now, so things are all good. (:

2009 was when i realized how emotionally vulnerable i could be when it came to relationships, or that one person. made me realize a lot on trust issues, and many many more. in short, i became stronger! and wiser. hehehehehe.

my family really are the people who love me the most. throughout all the shit i did and no matter how rebellious and good for nothing i became, my parents really stood there with me, by my side though i've disappointed them countless of times this year.

will write down my 2010 resolutions somewhere fucking big so that i won't forget them.

1) Be a filial daughter and good sister
2) Be disciplined and determined
3) Don't be lazy
4) Figure out what i want in life
5) Don't be a spendthrift/ Save up
6) Know my priorities

okay maybe some more to come. shall go read up on news already. TATA.



xx