'Wish you were here.

via (leblogdebetty.com)

i wonder why humans can have lives that are so different from each other. from the high flyers, to the down and out. why some couples can be so sweet and live in bliss while others are scratching and clawing each others eyes out.

it's come to a point where i feel that giving in ain't an option. and yet i'm doing it all over again. perhaps in this matter, yes it might be my fault. but still, i really don't feel like admitting that i shouldn't have done it cause then again, we're all mature adults, aren't we? relationships shouldn't be about restrictions and what-not. but then again, i'd feel only entirely comfortable with this if i knew that his heart was true, and mine alone.

and it's not about other people getting attracted, it's about whether his heart stays true all throughout. i'm just bracing myself for the realization that some fucked up thing happened again which i have no power over, just because we're in 'fighting mode'. and there's the demand of 'at least drop me a text to tell me where you are'.

hyeah right. the selfish part of me kicks up and fights back with a 'why should i? when you don't do the same, and you're not even picking up?' sucks, this.

anyway, i'm going hunting for food. takes spear* tata! i hope things get okay again. (:


xoxo
 

'Pictures depicting

these were taken on the 2nd day of the lunar new year, with&by my awesome cousins. i thank God for such a wonderful family, extended relatives and all and the warmth and sincerity each and every one of them brings.

i still think photography is a wondrous art, and it's amazing how rapidly humans progress. in the past, people were afraid of taking photos or portraits, because they were afraid it'll suck the soul out of them, and today sees many camwhoring like there's no tomorrow. i'm guilty as charged, though admittedly i'm the closet type, the ones who take the photos and make sure most of them never see the light of day.

that's why this space of mine doesn't house many photos of me. that, plus the fact that i keep losing parts of my gadgets and pure laziness. though this reminds me that i've way too many photos stored up in my phone/camera.

on another note; i do wonder how is it that you can love someone, and yet feel so attracted to another person at the same time. that's why i stand to believe that 'your heart only loves one, but it can like many others'. but then again, who's to decide or explain the whims of the heart? human nature is often blamed too much for our errors, but the keyword here is decision. who's the one who decides what to do? no else, but yourself.

oh, i feel drunken on a tuesday night, and kesha's 'blah blah blah ' is playing in my head relentlessly, though i can't touch alcohol without throwing up and i'm in bed, still recuperating somewhat, though i bet partying will cure all of that in a jiffy. how i wish i were out, living the kind of life i can only dream of now. now.

till then, or not.


xoxo

'Saying NO to No

"screaming"

i want my freedom. my damned freedom. i really.. really.. want my freedom.

it's the late nights, the partying, the random chilling with friends/strangers that keeps that little bit of me somewhat alive. i know it sounds ridiculous, but somehow i need it to spark up this humdrum situation that i've been living in.

so damned bored of my life i actually scream out in frustration. people like me never were meant to get tied down. blame it on my personality, blame it on my star sign, blame it on me. i've never stopped wanting to have fun, and i'm the kinda girl who's rebellious streak gets even more intrigued by the things i can never have or do. and since young i've always hated the word 'NO'. who hasn't? No, means denial. i hate being told, NO. 

and A is the only one who says NO with any effect towards me. anyone who knows me well enough should know that too. he says 'you can't always have what you want'. maybe that's why he's always getting his way with me.

no matter how much i want us to work, i can't imagine a life in the future without partying/other people. it's not that i'm superficial, it's that sometimes we need some balance. and, i.just.want.to.have.fun.

shall consult the wise people. God, please....... ):



x

'Just Because

(via: blurthelines)

i think that is a little quote that people have to keep remembering, when their lovers fall short of the expectations placed on them.

during a chat with C, i realized that handling a relationship is contradicting at many points (though i knew that already).

for example: 'If he loves me, he'll want me to be happy and let me have my freedom.'
                    'If she loves me, she'll understand why i can't let her have her freedom this way'
                    'If he loves me, he'll think for me'
                    'If she loves me, she'll think for me'

a shortened version of what we were talking about, cause i can't quite remember the details too. it's all about the give and take, though sometimes we humans forget all about the giving and focus a lot on the taking.

had the most vivid and unhappy dream i had in awhile. though all my nightmare are of A, this one topped the mountains before. dreamed that he restricted my freedom and yet had his, having his share of the opposite gender while doing what i've been wanting to do most in awhile: party. i guess my subconscious really is trying to tell me something. tell me, why can't i have my freedom and maintain this relationship? if only, if only if only.

a girl's only young once right?

this past day or so has been good with A, though it was admittedly not without minor hiccups. the annoyance and anger of the past night quite simply flew out of the door, when it flung open from the outside and there he stood, grinning at me.

although he stood there empty-handed and with a sock on one foot and the other bare, it reminded me of exactly how much i love that guy, and of the possibilities that maybe, just maybe he feels the same way too.

alright, shall go get more rest. my head is aching from that earlier dream. have a nice one people (:


xoxo

ps: i love the way you say the things you do.

'Understand?

i'm staring at the screen, wondering where i should begin. perhaps with an expression of anger? or a sigh of regret, or a show of sarcasm and maybe a hint of sadness?

i could, but i won't. the path i'm choosing to take is simply, nonchalance. i guess it really shows something when a person who used to really care, really couldn't care less anymore. 

used to be,  i got affected at every little thing and the display of 'fuck it i don't give a damn about you', always was what it was; a display. it'd soon crack and disintegrate into nothing, leaving behind the naked and ugly facts that i had to face. 

but now..... his actions don't instill anger/disappointment/sadness in me anymore. instead it's more of a 'oh. haha. okay.' kind of feeling, though admittedly, tinged with all of the afore mentioned emotions. 

it's really not that i'm trying to take it easy, or fight the feelings. to put it more bluntly: 

you can't fight what you don't feel. 

time to take my medicine. the pills are huge, and i don't feel exactly good about that. oh well. 

x

'Letting it be

"between now and forever"

went drinking w C and some friends. picked up a stranger in the lift, and here we are. retarded much! and apparently the rest are stuck, cause someone's kinda drunk/high-ish. ohwellllllz.

i wonder how couples keep faithful, it should be an easy feat, but then again, it's not always that easy. people take people for granted, and people get tired after awhile.

hahahaha. and the better guy scenario too. it's so difficult to make a choice!

okay i don't know what i'm talking about apparently. >:


bye

'Utterly broken.

my mouth is killing me, my cramps making it worse. can't get back to sleep, can't sleep it off. i feel so miserable now, like the very one person i'd wanna hear from isn't here, and doesn't care.

i need you now. i need you now. even if it's just a text, i need you now. but i don't understand.

she told me, 'i don't know how much you love him, but i think it's better if the both of you don't be together. cause i cannot guarantee that he can bring you happiness.' all i could do was cry into that stupid towel. if you knew who i was talking about, the person who said that to me, would you then understand how hurt she must be? would you then fully wake up and take a look at yourself and this whole mess?

i know i'd be silly if i said that just being with you made me the happiest, and yet i know i know it's true, but it'll be contradicting saying that, cause at the same time, being with you makes me sadder than anything else in this world.

this isn't the time to talk about r/s matters for you now. but when would it be? this is really killing me.

remember all the things we wanted/now all our memories it's haunted/ (perhaps)we were always meant to say goodbye. 

'Built to fall

mm watcha say/ mm that you only meant well/ well of course you did/

mm watcha say/ mm that it's all for the best/ of course it is 

so tell me, what's the next move? what am i supposed to do now? if only you knew.....

i've no more tears to shed for you, i've no more time to waste over you. and yet i've never really thought that you weren't worth my time. 

if you're reading this, i don't know what we'll be later on, tomorrow, or a week from now. if it ends up that one of us walks away, then it's meant to be. 

God knows that i've tried my damn hardest; i damn well did. And i've never loved another guy as much as i did love you. never tried as hard for any other person, even for those who really deserved it. 

but maybe this isn't about you and me now. maybe it's about you against the rest of the world, and me watching and waiting. and waiting. if you get this, than you would. i used to say, it doesn't matter what other people say, no matter how many objections there were. have you really understood the depth of what i meant?

i'd like to say that no matter what, i'll be by your side, but i won't. but no matter what, i'll still be here for you. as a lover, or as a friend.

somethings, just weren't built to last. 

xoxo

'Heartwrecked

am up once again, at 5.32 am. tried heading to bed, but somehow i got woken up, i've no idea why. somehow it seems like my time runs differently as other people, turning day to night and night to day.

and once again, part of this restless sleep has got to do with reasons that have nothing to do with my sleeping patterns going topsy turvy. simply put, i get affected way too easily. though technically things are fine, i can't help feeling uneasy and wary whenever i'm unsure of the littlest of things. so, currently it's another waiting game i guess? one that's played every single day.

shall also wait for my turn for the toilet. my dear girl Huishan is also bored and restless, so i'm going to head over to her place in a bit, for cheap and good brekkie that hopefully involves eggs and toast! meeting up with C later on too, to return her camera and simply just to see each other, which seems to have been ages ago, though it's only been less than a week since i last saw her. <3

my dearest friends seem to love me more, no? (: mwah mwah.

weirdly enough, i've become better at cooping myself up at home. ever since my room got cleaned, i find that it's easier to not whine about not going out, whereas in the past i'd feel like i'd go crazy if i'm at home for more than a day. goes to show how important it is for a clean room aye? though a little vacuuming is coming my way later!

kay, shall go watch makeup videos on youtube. i heart all the products used! like the brushes, the palettes, the   foundations, the concealers, the cheek color, the lip colors. <3! on my lists of wants are:

• Brushes (Foundation/Blusher/The whole set) 
• Blusher in a healthy shade 
• Long wearing lipstick that's damn natural/nude 
• More eyeshadow colors! like the Alice in Wonderland one, though it'll be hard to lug around. 
• Etude House's Bb cream (Bec uses it and it looks (Y)) 
• Falsies (since i only have ones suitable to go club. i need natural ones. 
• Liquid Concealer

and the list goes on..... 

shall stop blogging and go chat on msn. (: have a good day ahead, whoever's reading!

xx

ima tell you one time 

'Redemption

 "Come what may" 


for every relationship to work, there has to be the most basic of understandings, the fundamentals on which feelings,  and progress can be built on. 

things like love and trust, honor and understanding; they're the most important things, and yet they are the part of simple foundations of which a relationship stands. what's love without trust and honor? nothing. 

somehow i can't bring myself to trust a face whom i know can be capable of telling untruths. even though salvage is in the works, it doesn't mean it'll bring us redemption. the happiness that is bought in the meantime, doesn't make up for the amount of hurt that always comes. always.

there are big holes in this relationship, cracks that even time cannot fully heal. but then again, they say: if there are no cracks, how does the light get in? 

and then faced with that, there is this question; what's next? 

x

'The way to Heaven

 

credits: velvetcigarette.com, Rachel L.

 did i ever mention how much i like that girl in that photo up there? used to read her journal till she locked it, and randomly went on lookbook and i happened to see her again, and i saw her new site! happy much, for some weird reason.

wondered if it was somehow a kind of fate? the kind where it pulls you in, but never close enough cause for one, we're total strangers and this is just cyberspace. (yeah i know i have stalker tendencies, but my friends are worse. shh) but yeah, i enjoy reading journals cause it somehow gives you a look see into a strangers mind, and it brings a whole lot of new perspective with it.


managed to find the ebook for 'The City of Glass' by Cassandra Clare, and it's absolutely amazing. one of the best series that i've ever read, and each one of the three books in the trilogy ranks up there with the best books i've ever read. there's something about those books that can make me read them over and over and over again without ever getting bored; it's like each page rewrites itself repeatedly and every scene seems brand new to me. trust me, you'll never regret it.

on a side note, i hope this tweaked layout is easy on your eyes, though it's hurting mine already. spent the entire night figuring out transparency codes, and googling all sorts of different answers till i nearly gave up. this isn't the best solution i was looking for, but it's close. apparently it works on Firefox & Safari, but it doesn't show up on Google Chrome.

alright, it's time for me to revisit neopets.com, though i bet i'll  be abandoning it soon enough. have a good day people (:


xoxo

ps: everything is at a standstill. just, a standstill.

'Exhaustive measures

darn tired, and it's only past 12 am! 12.23 am to be precise. been sleeping on and off throughout the day, and it's a damn wonder i can still feel sleepy. >:[

have been trying to make a few changes to my blog template, but only the colors have changed. tried to put in a header image but i realized that only by changing to the new template editor, will i be able to do it. super frustrating, especially fumbling fingers like mine made my back up template vanish a fair few times. -.-


been waiting for the boyfriend to book out, but apparently he's not gonna book out anymore. adds on to my irritation, cause i could've been doing better stuff than waiting around.....

anyway, i've to go hang up the clothing. i totally loathe my sisters when it comes to such stuff. my clothes as compared to their clothing. 10 > 1. and now i'm doing my own laundry and i've got to do theirs as well?

'i'm too tired, tomorrow still have school' well, fuck you! damn annoying though i've to admit it's vice-versa as well. but their clothing really f alot compared to mine.....

am in a grumpy mood now. need to sleep, want to sleep, though i'll probably wake up later on again..... been doing so for God knows how long! okay, off.


xoxo
 

cross-dressing grandma likes young grass

(taken from the site i saw this article on)

Jack Neo cheated on his wife for two years with this 'young grass' Wendy Chong. And apparently she's not the only one that he approached. AND, his wife knew all about it for around a year. AND, she knew of his other on-goings with other women.

how the hell does she stand it?! (Y)! and what's with the comments that people are saying, sympathizing with Wendy Chong?!

hello, it's not only Jack Neo's fault, though i'm not defending him in any way. She probably was around 20 when the affair started. yes, that was a young age, but still, TWENTY NO BRAINS AH?! you mean for the past twenty years, she didn't have any moral principles inserted into her brain, like 'it's not right to steal/ it's wrong to lie/you cannot go around killing people/it's wrong to have sex with a married man and let it continue for two bloody years'

total bullshit lor. the both of them are equally at fault, so i don't understand why people are leaving her comments on her space saying things like 'oh i feel for you' (my own words & bad pun not intended).

not gonna comment much on Jack Neo's part, cause everybody can see for themselves, and judge on their own if he's really 'remorseful'. BUT. seriously two fucking years (pun fully intended) eh. and he even brought her overseas, spent time with each other over the weekends, and who knows what else. honestly, maybe it did get a little sticky (not intended) when it was about to go south (not intended), but the 'tried to break up on 30 occasions' comment was damn retarded.

if you really wanna end things, then just do it. don't keep counting and keeping track of the many times your 'conscience overtook your body', cause neither one of them ended it. utter bullshit saying 'i tried to end it 30 times' but in the end? IT STILL CONTINUED WHAT!

and apparently there are more cases of Jack Neo and other 'nen chaos'. like wtf! what's wrong with him?! and many other males for that matter. not saying that females don't have affairs too, but come on la.

yeah anyway, my conclusion is that the both of them are in the wrong, and that they should suck it up and admit that they are wrong without even giving any excuses or words to 'redeem' themselves.

ooh yeah. one other thing, (and i'm saying this on the assumption that this is what she fully said) i quote, "She advised other 'third-party' women to cease their affairs with married men as 'it's tough to be a mistress."

like huh?! she shouldn't be advising other 'third-party' women to cease their affairs with married men as 'it's tough to be a mistress'; she should be advising them to quit fucking married men because it's bloody wrong to be doing it at all! what kind of crap is 'it's tough to be a mistress'? though it probably is, but still, that's not the point at all! how repentant does that Wendy Chong sound, with this sentence summing it all up?

although she might have said a whole chunk of things about how sorry and wrong she is, but was suay enough to only get quoted on that 'tough being a mistress' sentence.

final conclusion: retribution will come onto every wrong doer. you sow what you reap. at least i do hope so!


xoxo

(edited)

i took away Wendy Chong's photo because i feel quite uncomfortable with her picture posing on my space.

not growing old.

sometimes it's so damn sad to chance upon blogs and people posting about how they miss some things about the past. i feel that way too, and i know everyone does, now and again.

though things might be better off like that, really, i can't help wishing that maybe we could walk back to how we were, how things were.

in secondary school, it seemed simpler. and i'm not as oblivious and naive as i was back then. yeah, i didn't have as many friends, but i felt safe, more often than not. yes, there were bitchy moments, but at the end of the day, everyone were just..... friends? like nowadays when i meet people i wasn't close to but knew by sight, i'd instantly get happier cause it's like 'hey! you're from holy too!'

though i'm content with the friends i have now, i do reminisce about the past, when i truly, truly held the friends i had as close to my heart like any other. it's not that i don't hold my close ones dear now, but growing up and getting past certain experiences meant that i'd never allow myself to hurt that way again?

but after speaking with Bec about this topic earlier on, i realized so many more things that i've been pushing back. heart's growing heavy with an ache different from heartbreak. it's more of a..... sour mourning? for friends who come and go, friends who were once so damn close, and of friends who appear to be lesser than what they mean.

i told Bec, 'we have to learn how to be content and appreciate the people around us', and it's true. she replied me with 'but it's human nature to be ambitious and want more'. perhaps people wouldn't fully understand what we're talking about, but she's right too. it's so hard grasping the concept of being content with who you are and what you have, and at the same time striving for something better.

but i guess it's harder to make genuine relationships with people as you grow older? for me, it really feels that way. though i'm happy that i made really good friends after i graduated from secondary school. wasn't expecting any though, and i'm really happy i did. (:

nowadays the faces i see, faces we meet and greet, these faces hold so much of their own secrets, their own memories, and only a portion of what they let us know, we find out. we never really truly find out how a person truly is, more often not than the other. we only know a little of the past, so much of the present, and maybe what's to come in the future. it's harder to truly see everything of how a person can be, only as much as what they allow us to.

sincerity is scarce, it's something that should be treasured. but sometimes, it's also hard facing strangers with that open sincerity instead of the slightest guarded wariness that comes with experience.

it's always so much easier building up walls, than tearing them down. isn't it?



x
the one that truly knows.

no it's not you.

i've decided to ignore the things i can't do anything about. no point thinking so much when obviously there's nothing to think about at this point of time. shall take a chill pill and chilllllaaaaax. LOL!

like what Binghui always tells me, 'joh you've got to take it easy!' even over the most mundane of things. HAHA!

anyway, i'm hungry! have got to start hunting for food again!!!!!

i think my Bb's battery life is damn amazing! luv it so much will love it even more if it has that data plan thingy that my dearest daddy canceled so cruelly. ):

went to work for the Starhub thingy yesterday with Matt. the only perk that i've gotten so far is that i was able to finally sleep through the entire night! okay, granted, i woke up once around 2 am +, but i was so tired that i could get to sleep without any stupid thoughts invading my head!

you've no idea how tiring it is to not be able to sleep (no pun intended). seriously, my whole sleeping schedule and body clock is all wired the wrong way, and i've trouble sleeping at nights, and am so tired that i doze off during the day. ):

i hate it whenever i feel like this! it's like my emotional side is always, always able to affect the physical side. so i always find myself not eating properly, not sleeping properly, falling sick more, blabla. not that i'm saying i'm very ke lian or what, since everybody goes through emo shit periods of their life, but it affects me a lot! idk why. ):

kay don't feel like uploading anything. byebye!


xoxo

We Are The World

i love this! much better than the celebrity version, imo. still very in 'wtf?!' mode after viewing it so super long ago. and it's damn meaningful cause it's really from a lot of different people over the world? (i'm assuming. i don't know.)

the one who sang Cyndi Lauper/Celine Dion's part was o.o!!!!! DAMN GOOD! had chills all the way. like when i watched Titanic. and i only get chills when i'm spooked/super cold/seen something awesome, and it's definitely the last one in this case!

go view go view! (:

x