breaded houses, ginger floors and marzipan windows

"and you said, baby forever."

stayed at home today. again. -..-

was supposed to meet Darren and the rest at plaza earlier, but decided not to. heading out with Mabel tomorrow, and i hope the IT fair pay will come in by then, cause i've got to start clearing me some debts!

things i did today:

helped hong guo out with his blog template, started on the tee shirt shrug thing i saw online last night (only i used a turtleneck), and checked out some schools i could go to.

having a blinding headache right now, but i think i'm going to proceed on with my shrug cause i have to complete something. didn't really complete that baby doll top i made out of my mum's old white blouse, cause the strap area was kind of screwed, so i have to handsew, which is a pain in the ass, like literally. at least i completed that black cropped jacket thingy. have to get some proper buttons on though, and sew that button hole.

gahhhhhhhhhhh. wish i could just snap my fingers and tadahhhh! -..- but i guess that's what you get when you have no money to get new stuff. LOL. i make it out like i'm super poor,huh.

no photos todayyyyyyy. oh wait, yes there are.












none of me though. LOL. this was the night before big head enlisted, location: drinkers.

LIM HONG GUO IS SUPER MA FAN! hahahahaha. but it's nothing a sakura meal won't make up for :D

okay off to help him edit his stuff and all.


be right back!



xoxo
get through to you.

a dozen smiles and a thousand roses

"turn of the lights, lay your head next to mine."

justin will probably find that lyric familiar, after all we've spent many phone conversations simply blaring out the tunes to S Club, drowning each other out, blah blah. oh well. miss him like .....

anyway, just finished up hong guo's blog stuff. spent around two or so hours doing it. my html is reallllly rusty else i'll be done sooner. what's so difficult about ripping and fiddling around with other people's base codes? grah.

head hurts like some kind of .....

quarrelled with my parents earlier on. it was a bad one, starting because of me forgetting to throw away some rubbish. argued about this and that, about responsiblity, about the rubbish, about all sorts of shit. ended up with me crying like some weak idiot.

told big head about it, and he was sweet, cause he said he'll be by my side no matter what. and aye a part of me wants to believe in that.

chatted on the phone with Darren yesterday, and i asked him if he meant what he said about the big head and i, about the lasting long thing. and yeah he said he did. shared my 'jacob bella and edward' theory with him and he agreed too, cause duh it makes so much sense what.

on the twentieth next month, will be our 6th month. i know it isn't that long for those crazy people out there who have been together for super long, but it is for me okay! compare it to a one week relationship and a one month plus relationship. then compare six months; it's more impressive that way. hahahaha.

asked him if he wanted to celebrate it or not, cause normally we don't really do much about monthasaries cause we're both very broke people and we can't quite be bothered, so spend the day together can already, but somehow it seems more special for the 6th month, cause it marks half a bloody year. like half a damn year full of tears, laughter, quarrels, make ups, fucked up-ness, sweetness, and a whole tornado-full of emotions.

seems to be much longer, as i've always said, cause we saw each other literally almost everyday before we got together. i have no idea how we stuck it out so long, cause it's not as if we don't get on each others nerves like crazy, and it's not like i don't have a million and one issues, and it's not like he has the patience to deal with the million and one of them; so basically it's nothing short of a miracle. HA.HA.

sometimes i look at him and i wonder..... why the hell i'm so into that person. never ever imagined we'll be together. NEVER EVER. cocky shit lor he. bet he never ever imagined we'd be together either. still seems totally surreal. like i still wake up and go 'oh my God.' eh. like seriously.

but ya la it's quite disappointing cause he'll be doing his 19 day confinement = dates clash = no on time celebration. ))))): okay la i'm not THAT disappointed, cause i also can't imagine what we're supposed to do on that day. like what? act mushy and sappy or something, and create our own bubble ah.

yaya and he's so full of himself. told him that he's super lucky cause he's got a girlfriend who wouldn't run away with some other guy when he's in the army cause she's faithful. and he just said, 'cause i'm handsome what.' in a very matter-of-fact kind of tone. jeeeez.

grah alright i'm off to shower. may be back to edit or something with more pictures. but i don't think so.


-..- xiaxue is totally hilarious.





xoxo,
take it slowly, a step at a time.

ps: take care of yourself.

clarity in the mix

"darling, heartbreak hasn't got anything on you."












i can't sleep i can't sleep i can't sleeeeeeeeep. tell me what to do at 4 am in the morning online can? bored and i don't feel like sleeping just yet.

changed my blog layout, updated a music playlist, twiddled around with the whole thing till i got sick of it and it looked decent, edited photos, blogging, and damnnnn it's only reaching four in a few minutes.

i want to go to the library and get some good books to read! or watch some movies online, but videos take foreverrrrrrr to load at my place, and i have no scv nor mio tv outside in the living room = nothing decent to watch since the shows playing at this time are probably those old drama series back when mediacorp was still TCS, and when policemen still wore short pants.

online shopping is a big no no either, since my wallet has a grand amount of five bucks now.

i wish i have my dog right now. ): he's darn cute la! though extremely smelly and not toilet trained nor obedient. he's like the only living thing that will let me hug it for more than one hour and cry eh. bah.

over all i'm in a good mood luh right now, not really a good mood considering i'm bored and grumpy now, but i'm in a not bad kind of mood. okay shut up i remind myself of cynthianeo.bs.com

whenever i see bs.com i'll think of 'bullshit.com' -..- okay lame. ramble ramble ramble.

wonder if i should attempt loading videos.

anyway, went to evelyn's (koh) place a few days back, cause the twins were headed to a barbecue at her condo, so i went along to visit her. we have perfect timing still lah! like when we (twins and i) were walking towards the pool area, her father (my uncle) and her were walking back to their unit, so ta-dah! we saw each other, though she was supposed to be late.

oh and i cut my fingernails. okay i know nothing interesting but it's so much more comfortable, though it's damn ugly right now cause of my stubby fingers. easier to type my stuff (laptop/handphone) bla.

oh yeah am reminded of that 'i miss you' issue. that day there was this weird person who messaged my old number (one of his numbers that i used when my phone line got cut off), thinking that i was still using that number, but i already returned it to him. okay then he saw it when he booked out, and he got very angry about it, cause first thought a normal person will get will be 'without proper interaction there's nothing to miss what right?' but! i beg to differ.

there are gender differences what. okay if a girl messages him saying that and i happen to come across it i'll be fucking angry and Y*$@#U(@$U?! and probably over react and stuff like that. but it's different (at least to me), cause guys and girls do things differently, don't they?

girls don't really go around saying 'i miss you' blabla to guys for nothing. normally there WILL have to be some form of flirting or encouragement for that girl to be able to work up some kind of courage to say that kind of thing. (unless that girl is a superflirt who goes around chatting up guys la, in which case it will be another kind of situation.)

however, some guys on the hand, note i said SOME. alright, so some guys can seem to go around saying 'hi blablabla' and natter on about nothing, then when you show disinterest or nochalance they'll still be super enthusiastic as if you were really responding to what they say. i find it super stupid that some guys can just say they miss a person, when there's nothing to miss. at all. because they didn't even have the most basic thing that constitutes a proper conversation. and it will lead me to the conclusion that they just want to try their luck, hoping that the girl will say 'oh ya i miss you too' or perhaps they want to sweettalk the girl or something la i'm not too sure either. and these actions from them will not require any participation on the girls part at all.

i don't know what's wrong with these people, but it's been proven okay! i guess it's cause its alright for guys to go around trying to chat up girls, no matter how thick skinned their methods are.

told him that earnestly, then it was concluded with a 'okay fine.....' he concedes defeat (okay maybe not defeat =/), then a hug to make up. okay and i just realized that whole thing didn't really have a conclusion to wrap things up, but i'll just leave it as that because i'm tired and my mind isn't going in a straight direction anymore.

congrats who ever just read the whole post,. i'm off to watch some old bogey (JOHN) tv series. or maybe i should just rewatch huan zhu ge ge II . super nice okay!

alright off. nightttttttt darlings.



xoxo
five more days!

ps: long time no talk, stranger.
pps: nine years (:

so kiss me.

some photos:








rest not up yet. didn't really take much photos recently due factors like horrible complexion and shitty hair. i hate beautiful people. beautiful skinny people ))))):

i have to start taking care of my faceeeeeeeeeee. alright been attempting to do so all along, but yuck la i hate it when i start to break out when my period is arriving. as if fucking huge pores and a zillion black heads aren't bad enough.

i want to be one of those girls who can look beautiful without any effort at all. damn irritating lor those kind of people. HAHA.

and my hair isn't growing. I SWEARRRRRRRRRR, two years of the same length. I WANT LONG HAIR! >=[ GRUMBLE GRUMBLE GRUMBLE.

probably working my ass off with bec at oriental the week after next, and am trying to persuade my parents to let me apply to mdis. hongguo says hurry cause he thinks by the time i'm going then he's already going to graduate. HAHA!

i want to study

my blog skin is making me sick; i sense a changeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! can't stand it anymore. funny cause it seemed nice to me awhile ago. -..- have yet to put the song i want as my blog song. 'kiss me' by the cranberries i know it's old but i love it any way. alright perhaps back to update with more edited pictures! (:



oh oh oh oh oh. i miss my baby big head.



xoxo
amongst you others.

ps: we've got a deal darling. <3>

laughs.

"so what says your heart, lover?"


alright, am at D's with big head, and he's on the phone with Shina, while B is watching a movie on the flatscreen.

today started on a 'very-not-nice' not. cold war, with a tad of fucked-upness thrown in. alright, make that A LOT, of fucked-upness. -..- alriggggghttty.

apparently some weird guy messaged his old number and said some weird stuff = resulting in him getting mad at me, cause that guy is supposedly my friend. fucked up here, fucked up there.

got resolved in the end, and nowwwwww i'm happy! :D

hohummmmmm. update tomorrow, i'm tired.


'ta fuckers!




xoxo
to be into you/ into me.


ps: it's a secret baby.

aren't you supposed to love me for who i am?

you make me despise myself.

one, two, three.

):):):):):

faces that go either way.

but for now i'm feeling blue. still.

these few days it seems like i can't do anything right, can't say anything right.

mum ranting on about how useless i am doesn't help much either, thank you very much. very much out of depth with the in control meter.

read esther's livejournal, and..... i totally get how she's feeling somehow. i don't really know what happened, but i hope things will be okay for you. if you're reading this. -..- which i don't think you are.

okay shut up. haha

aw binghui totally cheered me up . he's so damn sweeeeeeeet! hehe i love you changjing! :D going to meet him later on. okay toodles.



xoxo
i've texted you a long one,
lets wait and see.

ps: one more day..... apprehensive, anxious, desperate, unhappy blablabla.
pps: God, i do hope we'll be absolutely fine by then.

don't make a sound/ hear that heart breaking?

"wishing with everything/ that we'd be stronger than anything."

again with the tears in the eyes. again with the quarrels, with the harsh words, leading to one conclusion- we're both hurt.

i can't even remember what the original quarrel was about anymore. i really can't. perhaps something vague, but it seems so damn stupid now.

is it that damn hard to understand? i..... fuck.

damn fucked up.

baby i.....


and i said 'to fuck with you love me forever.'


wo zhen de hen bu kuai le. why's it always matters involving you that i can't take? like i can take every other shit but when it comes to you i'm so damn weak.

it's like you're my kryptonite.



bye.


edited:

darling, it's your call now.

i really hope it won't end like this, and i hope i won't regret anything or that i haven't been too rash.

but, it's done. and the ball is in your court now.


ps: i love you.

keep your faith/ throw it away

"answers to questions you don't want to answer."


that picture makes me feel..... free. -..- liberated, if you will.

calling rp tomorrow, and am considering mdis despite the mother fucking expensive fees, thanks to evelyn chang my dear cousin (: she's like super nice, letting me unload on her, searching for courses and stuff for me. <3 thanks a lot dear, though i'll bet she won't see this. hohum.

went to liangjie's yesterday, after meeting mabel at compass. some unhappy stuff happened. quarrelled with big head, but yeah i guess things are fine now? but yes i'm just going to leave it till i settle my school stuffs.

played texas hold 'em, and i got killed by mingkang. LOL. literally killed. sigh, but it's fun though. and they kept saying 'i can see august behind you!' HAHA. okay never mind.

went down to plaza for a little while in-between, cause of some stuff. then headed back to liangjie's. stayed till six pm just now, and went to rivervale plaza with mingkang to see the free chinese doctor. they gave us the same medicine i think. they're like damn nice lah! i think they work for free, and it's like super kind hearted of them.

anyway, photos up soon, and i'm gong to do the quiz cynthia asked me to do.

1. Put your music on shuffle.

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

4. Tag your friends who might enjoy doing the memo as well as the person you got the memo from. :))

START!!

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
I just can't live a lie - Carrie Underwood

(so it's not okay?)

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?

when christmas comes to town - matthew hall , meagen moore

(so does it mean i'm heartwarming and holy and all? hahaha yes)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?

love you so - natalie

(maybe?)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?

leave(get out) - jojo

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?

incomplete - BSB.

(true it's very incomplete)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?

reflection - christina aguilera

(what ?! )

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?

because i'm a girl - kiss

(okay that makes sense in a way)

WHAT IS 2+2?

sticks and stones - aly and aj

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?

easy - paula deanda

(NOOOOOO. i don't think that at all! )

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?

when it all falls apart - the veronicas

(sometimes. on the bad days. )

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?

can't help but wait - trey

(yeah)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?

split personality - skye sweetnam

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?

hello - beyonce

( HAHA damn freaky please)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?

stop crying your heart out - oasis

(it sounds so doom and gloomy!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?

karma - alicia keys

(HAHA)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?

headstrong - ashley tisdale

(being stubborn?)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?

if we were a movie - miley cyrus

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?

drip drop - vanessa hudgens

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?

realize - colbie colliat

(oh my God lah what's with these? hope it's not trueeeee.)

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?

weird - hilary duff

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?

beauiful girls - sean kingston

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?

mad - neyo

(wtffffff . acurate in a way.)

HOW WILL YOU DIE?

you are the music in me - hsm 2

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?

stick wit you - pcd

( i guess this means yes? )

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?

if it's alright - lindsay lohan

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?

closure - aly & aj

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?

beautiful soul - jesse mccartney

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?

so close - jon mclaughlin

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY, WHEN YOU MEET YOUR BOSS?

if you get there before i do - colin raye

(ya most probably la since i'll always be late. so uh. if you get to work before i do, don't fire me?)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?

bounce - timbaland

-0.0 lameeeeee


haha okay done.

i have a lot of thoughts. really, really, really, really, really a lot. fuck this. i think i'll talk to him when he books out. and yes you do sound full of bullshit, and yet i want to trust you.

fuck this i can't trust my gut feeling when it comes to you anymore.


alright . off to bed or something. tomorrow is another long day.



xoxo,
forever and ever.

ps: i don't understand your words.

to whom it will make sense to

"minimalizing any damages; hearts getting tanked tonight."

what the fuck, is the only reaction i can get from the recent discovery. thoughts about relationships have been flittering around my mind; though pushed aside in a bid to 'not think too much'.

mabel calmed me down, after a long spiel of ranting (dang i need some good books), and i'd never want to think that way, so yes, i came straight to the point, and i'm expecting a straightforward answer, cause it's the least anyone can do. no?

perhaps you'd have your own reasons for doing so, but i'd never understand them. why you'd want to walk back into that path, or maybe it wasn't your intention, but hell, even the most trusting person would take it like that. and it's known that i don't trust guys too easily. yes, you.

it's nothing big, don't fret. just me being over-reactive and melodramatic about the whole non-issue that's going on. and dang it, why'd i have to see it when it was nearing only 1 am? i'd have to wait the whole night for an answer that could swing both ways; all i'm hoping for is a good explanation and a proper reassurance, like how i've been doing these days. (sleep could come yes, but would it come with peace?)

gut feelings never seemed too unaccurate, no matter how far off it seems to feel. cut yourself loose darling, said repeatedly for the umpteenth time. it's your own choice no matter what anyone says. the world could be against it, and yet you'd just cling on, cause your heart wants to.

and isn't that something almost everyone will feel? be it how that theory is applied.

alright, time for some photos:

and when i saw the photos, my heart broke for her. i swear, i could feel it falling apart slowly, and i felt the tears. tears she would shed after seeing them. on one hand i feel sad for her; it didn't have to be this way.

and yet at the same time, i feel happy. for him. cause he seems to be so happy now, and that's what i've always wanted. for the both of them to be happy. with or without each other.

to be truly loved, to truly love. who's to say who your love belongs to, who he/she truly are?

and it leads to one question. all but one, simple question. who's the right one for me? the one who makes you happy, or the one who gets you? guess it's like jacob and edward for bella.

if edward didn't appear, jacob and bella could be perfectly happy together, cause they just.... are. comfortable with each other, and they love each other too. but there wouldn't be any other scale to measure that love with, cause there wouldn't be anyone else who could even remotely make bella feel that way.

without edward, bella might have just gotten together with jacob, and in time to come, have settled down with him. but with edward in the picture, it's a whole new ball game altogether. on a much larger scale in which to measure her love with, bella found that nothing could be compared to what she had with edward.

what i'm trying to say is, there might always be someone out there for you, that's better for you then whoever you are with. whomever you declare your love for, there might be someone who could make you really feel it the way you should.

but then again, maybe you've already found that person; but who's to tell if he/she is the one?

reminds me of ghost whisperer; when jennifer love hewitt told her husband reincarnated in another body(and suffers from memory loss so that he doesn't remember her, or anyone else and thinks he's in love with his long lost ex-fiancee), to hold out. to hold out for everything. in which everything meant someone better/ the right one for him. in which case she was obviously referring to herself, but that doesn't matter.

point is, when do you decided to hold out? or when will you know not to? alright i'm getting rather lengthy here, as usual.

i'll bet no one managed to read it this far; these thoughts are just some of what i have to get off my chest, which turned into a totally lengthy and thorough description of what i feel.

at least some time has passed. but i'm feeling kind of sleepy.

more photos up in the next post or so, we'll see.

not in the mood for smileys, so none for you.


on the bright side, at least my pms-y mood is gone, and it's nearing five to six soon. not in the mood for exclaimation points either.

-..-

'ta darlings.



xoxo
to look from the other side;
the grass always seems greener.

ps: the most basic things that i need. remember them clearly, remember them dearly.
pps: i have territorial instincts.

fuck?!

"pulling you all the way down."

supposedly, these few days have been amazing; more than amazing actually. i should be all blissed out and happy, i swear i should be.

but i'm not.

guess it's that 'time of the month coming' kind of mood swing? i have no idea why it affects me so much, cause one moment i'm all in that 'i'm a happy girl!' mood, and the next thing i know it's that 'uneasy uneasy uneasy uneasy uneasy' feeling.

even watching vasantham didn't make me feel better. usually it does, cause it's like colorful and cheerful and everything. unlike the other channels.

but this past week has been really nice. really, nice.

enough about my shit;



big head booked out on saturday, and he's in already now.

okay you know what? i found out something. and HAHAHAHAHA. my uneasy feeling is spot on, though it's kinda late and ridiculous in a way.

what the fuck i tell you. what the bloody fuck. thanks for 'telling me'. THANKS.



fuck this. its all the same.

bullshit i tell you.

fucking bullshit.

i don't feel like seeing you anymore.

i've had a little too much

"and you say take cover; but i'm so in love with you"

today was a nice day (: went to kgarden with royston, wendy, john, mabel, liangjie, darren & his girlfriend, and meeeee. -..-

it seems a tad nicer than normal cause the atmosphere was way more relaxed than usual, like what Mabel said. so yes, all in all today's a nice day. (:

and Darren finally finally appeared! quite missed his presence luh, and i'm glad that he's happy now. i really am, and i hope that people will understand. talked about some stuff over hokkien mee at chomps, and i hope things work out.

today can be marked as a nice day, shall emphasize on it again.

and..... st james on right now, right now. jay called to ask if i'm going, and it's a 'no.' all because of my dearest bighead, who's coming out on saturdayyyyy! and tomorrow/today's actually our 5th month.

make up break up make up break up. and now things are fine, for now. hurhurrrrrrr. :D

and someone named ron is disturbing the dj on 98.7 now. LAUGHS. and she's tactfully trying to ease him off the line. if it were me i guess i'd just say something sarcastic and hang up on him, but i guess i'd be fired. ><

rah. i need money. a job. anything. i want to go shopping. . . . . fuck the recession. -..- and mabel keeps asking me to send her the photos, but i'm very very unwilling cause..... firstly i look super ugly in it, and secondly i have no idea how to transfer the photos into my laptop.

and my mum doesn't want me to use her digital camera, which sucks cause i'm stuck using the silver one, when hers is PINK. RAH.

using the face roller thing, after ages of not using it. i hate my hair, my complexion, my face, my everything la basically. ps here i comeeeeeeeeee; but first, a job. to fund everything.

okay off i go.


goodnight lovers.


xoxo,
guess this means you take back
all you've said.

ps: one more day. (:

123

"honey we're going down"

am at plaza, using the comp. supposedly L4D-ing, but their comps are on the frizz. -..-

two more days till bighead's out! can you say awwwww!

and my t-shirt stinks like some .....

AND . i have made up my mind. from now on, johanna teo's going to be MORE LADYLIKE! hurhurrrrr. yes, you've heard me! more ladylike. :D

boreeeeeeeed. and..... i found out some things today! but ..... i'm not saying anything. HAHA.

need a job, and i need it soon, cause i need the $$$$$ to do so so many things.

oh yeah, i did a personality quiz yesterday, and gave weijie the link to do it too. turns out that we are ENFPs ! :D and the whole description for it is like O.O great! hurhur. have no idea why i sound so damn peppy when i'm having a slight headache, which has the potential to turn into something ugly. -..- sounds weird, that.

welllllllllllllllllllllll. what did i want to say? oh yeah. i think social situations are kind of mind boggling. and things you hear, versus things you know, versus things you find out. okay that sounds complicated in it's own right too.

and i hate some guys who just..... urgh. especially the kind of guys who has a nice girlfriend, and yet still eyeballs different other girls, just for the sake of it. -..-

fucked up right.

okay me am going off. -..-



BYE.




xoxo
till some hearts go up.

i've deleted what ever i wanted to say on the previous post.

DELETED.

why does it seem like words can't be said too easily these days?

look at this! look at that .

did i mention how i wasn't bored in the previous post? welllllllll, i changed my mind. I AM VERY BORED NOW.

plus i feel like puking, but barf+acids from stomach+ sore throat = a very big bitch, so i think i will just hold it in.

mabel asked me a question just now, regarding ..... and i guess it says a lot about my principles. i mean, am i supposed to find it surprising that i will be sorely tempted to ___________ ? yes, it's all about the morals and principles.

and i'm wondering about things on those lines. been a long time since i've sat down and did a contemplative post aye?

what if you meet two people you really liked, and one expressed interest in you, while the other remained unexpressive all these while, till after some time? when you're already with another. now bear in mind that you really like the both of them, so who is to choose between the other?

i guess that's why people will cheat on their s/o i guess? i don't knowwwww.

feels disapproving stares * but yes, people do have to choose, and it's a choice you have to make.

alright drop it. HAHA.


hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. bec's coming over later, and i'm not stepping out of my house (:

job hunting with her plus lots of chitty chitty chatty chatty.

i miss livejournal, in some ways. it's somehow easier to blog over there.

OH YA. cynthia neo.bs.com got a mac book. damn annoying right! HAHA. and i want a new laptop and a new handphone! and a new digi cam. all in pink preferably.

any kind donors? i'll be grateful for life! gahhhhh bored shit.

five more days, five more days. yay yay yay yay yay. (:

the ah goh goh show is on on channel eight now. i'm a little lost as to what the whole concept of the show is about.

and i miss readinggggg. ): and watching movies.

i can feel the calories piling on already! two packs of soupy beehoon plus one packet of super oily oyster omelete. and do strepsils have calories? cause i've been sucking on them all day. binghui was nice enough to get them for me!

gah . waiting for that idiot big head to call me after cleaning his bunk. hohummmmmmmm. 'b ah, can you help me do something before i come out? can you help me print photo? i want to paste on my cupboard, and cause everyone have i don't have.' with my questions inserted between .

HAHAHAHAHA. aw melts. idiot, stupid fuck.

OH yes. big head said that his bunk 4D number opened yesterday. 3105? hahaha not sure. i have no idea why that number seems so familiar.

kthxbye (:


xoxo,
i love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

in your heart.

"here's to frendships and good faith"

slacking at home, been slacking for the past few days, lazing around.

funny thing is that i'm not bored at all, and i'd rather stay home for now, watching movies on mio, or chatting online.

supposed to meet the runaway kid in the morning, but uh..... laziness got the best of me. LOL. then meeting huiying, then bec at night.

but i have no idea if it's all going to go to schedule. LOL cause i can't quite be bothered. watching the 5.30 to 6.30 show, and jeanette aw's hair is super awful. like really really really really really very nan kan. =/ but luckily her face is pretty, so she can pull it off.

i did i mean thing todayyyyyyyyyyyyyy. haha but it's for dear mabel so i don't mind. seriously, confidence is good, but not OVER-confidence. hahahahahaha get what i mean? okay shut it.

here are some photos; edited of course. from karen's big day. (:









there are some more, but i can't be half-arsed to edit them (:

binghui came over yesterday! so there are pictures from that :D and that sweetie gave me some star/rose thingy . it's like huuuuugeeeeee, and it's in my bag now. -..-

and..... hahahaha.

alright i'm off.


my boyfriend is missing agaiiiiiiiiiiin ):
HAHA lame shit.


xoxo,
when it's you that matters.

ps: i still think you're cute.

the further; the nearer.

"still, the sweet; love it's you."



back full circle, though not quite; in a place which we're sure of, and yet all too strange.
cause we were never at this stage, though we've come close.
new beginnings? maybe, maybe not, but the same old sentence of 'we'll see how it goes', is coming around too.
and i've said things will change, and so will i; you said 'for that i promise you'.

and this time round, it's going to be different.

cause love, we'll treasure what we have, and hold it dear.



xoxo,
sweetheart,

ps: six more days (:

and you keep calling me back to your heart

"unsatisfied, i skip my pride"


i like that photo (:

old old old old old feel.

anyway, been at home for the whole of yesterday and today, but i don't feel bored yet. wonder of wonders aye?

roy asked if i wanted to mahjong at juncheng's, so i'm thinking of that, and sebas said something about mahjong tomorrow at his place, with a cute guy. LOL.

bad thoughts, bad thoughts.

things are at a place where i'm okay with everything. alright, not quite everything, but almost everything.

the flu bug is still residing in my body, and the tissues are piling up up up up up. and it's raining, so it's extra hard to breathe without something choking my nose up.

my beloved phone is dying, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly. the screen is all weird at different moments and sometimes it just blacks out. looks like the hunt for a new phone is on, and i'm seriously considering the LG ice cream phone, but i've heard it's not good at all. plus it has only 3 mgp, and it lags.

but it's so so pretty! and it's pink. which is a huge plus for me. so..... we'll see. (: good thing my parents have spare phones on hand for me to use, but urgh i still love my samsung soul, cause its sleek and chic. HAHA.

zouk on sunday? or something i don't know, it's currently on a 'we'll see!' kind of status.

rahgahzahpahmahfahdahtah. -..-

edited some pictures, but i guess i'll leave them for tomorrow's post, since i can't be half arsed to post them up now. hohummmmm.

watching antm cycle 12, and i'm not that entertained by it any more. guess times change hur.


and.....

i'm glad you do call, and we do contact with each other. the kind of reassurance that comes only after it was most needed; when it was needed to put some hearts to ease. but yes, the feelings are still there, like always.

and it feels like we're going back to where we were, on more even footing. and..... suddenly i miss him terribly. laughs.


xoxo,
we hear what we want to believe.

ps: take care of yourself, love.

would you settle for another?

"just pay me back with one thousand kisses"


oh goshhhh i'm SICK. like a flu frenzied sneezing, blocked nose, continued sniffing eyes watery and hurting with a mild headache kind of thing.

gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. can't believe it. it's a friday night and i am at home. LOL but fuck it i enjoy being at home. for the time being. hohummmm.

so, big head's off into the army, two days before technically. had a farewell drinking? thing that ended up into a dramatic night. not very very drama, cause the drama scale we're speaking of is quite high on this scale. does it make sense?

some things ended up nicely, some things didn't.

working in the IT fair was like shit. LOLLOL. it was okay lah actually, but it sucks cause you have to stand for hours on end, for a measly sixty bucks. but hey, it was better then nothing right?

but yeah wasn't feeling up to working, AND I GOT FIRED. nbccb. LOL.

first day was fun actually. like all of us working TGT. hahahahaha. there was 'mabel, wendy, chanel, me, mingkang, royston, xuanming, hong guo, liangjie, winston and john.'

and it was all about 'taking initiative!' i swear mingkang made my world go round those two days. that guy is..... the funniest person i've ever met by far, and that's saying something, cause i've met quite a lot of idiots.

HAHA sorry.

anyyyyyyway. yeah bighead's in the army, and i'm glad he calls and that we contact each other everyday. we'll see how things work out, and i'm going to take baby steps.

more on the IT fair, and pictures up soon.

and..... there are A LOT of issues/questions on my mind.


xoxo
you do, think of me.

ps: do you think he's the right one? how the hell does one know anyway?

fuck it lah. okay, just. fuck. it. fuck. it.

i give up. kay. i give it all up. bye.

you'd think of me.

"clutching our scars and broken hearts; we smile"


here's one edited picture, of K Leow and me, at the museum on sunday, which was her birthday!

hurhur.

went to plaza to meet bighead for dinner. ate that salmon rice bowl thing, and it was nice, but i had that 'i want to barfffff!' feeling again.

my God, i keep waking up super early. like i slept at..... one-ish ? in the morning after chatting with Jay on the phone. was prepared to conk out, when he called and made me more alert. but after some more freecell, i fell back asleep.

freecell is damn nice. can feel my brain moving, and solitaire seems so easy to play now, after freecell. LOL. saw mabel playing and it looked damn interesting so i went home to play too!

-..- dumb shit.

and now 'hai kuo tian kong' is playing in my head for idk what reason. -..-

boreeeeed shitszzxzxxzxzxzzxzxzx.

and i'm damn hungry, but there's nothing that i can think of that i feel like eating eh, unless it's soup. i totallllyyyy love soup! grrrrr.


hungry hungry.


and..... something made me realize some things. LOL i'm not trying to be funny or what luh.
anyway..... yeah, i guess i'm alright now. but maybe it's cause.....

maybe it's cause i'm hungry -..-

back later to blog some more, maybe with more pictures. there's one of me that K says looks like a cute little puppy dog -..- wthhhhhhhh. hahaha

anyway, off to scavange for something to eat, then maybe later the temple with baka john. i know i'm a christian and all, but i'm sure God won't blame me! cause He's nice like that. -..- LOLLL. and i mean it! hafta get something luh.

wahahahaha.




and..... we'll see how it goes between us. i'll miss you. (:


xoxo,
my lips speak,
but it's my heart that beats.

ps: a letter, a word, a heart, a .....
pps: goodnight love.

saved as drafts.






what am i supposed to make out of this?



'cause you're hot then you're cold,
you're yes then you're no,
you're in then you're out,
you're up then you're down.

you're wrong when it's right,
you're black when it's white,
we fight we break up,
we kiss we make up.

you, you don't really wanna stay, no,
you, you don't really wanna go, oh.'





if you won't make your mind up then i will.

don't tell me i can make it on my own; stay .

"the ones you hold dear, the ones you hold near."

wow that is one kick ass damn fucking hugeeeeee photo. -..-

stole it from K's ellejay, and i assumed she resized it cause it looked smaller, but it looked a tad weird. then i stole it and cnp-sted it, and in the end i think she just pulled the arrow buttons to resize. LOL.


anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ONCE AGAIN BEST ONE! though it's already over, cause it's 5.31am now.


woke up, bathed changed, got delayed, and went over to cathay to look for them (baochuan, karen, yutong, samuel) they had astons, and the pictures in K's ellejay makes me hungryyyyy.


talked talked talked, then we went over to the museum for some camwhoring, and got chased out of the exhibition rooms with a 'do you have a ticket?" LOL ))))):


but we still managed to get some nice photos (as nice as you can get with a camera phone), and stuff like that, so more pictures when i actually get to get home to upload&edit them.


then it was public transport to sebas's place for some mahjong! but first we went to dinner at some place in siglap (his mum, his grandmum, his brother, his girlfriend, him, and i), called 'LeViet', for some vietnamese food, and i had the chicken soup, and it was deeeeelish! cabbed back for mahjong though i fell asleep.


i kinda miss the hugging ______ to sleep part. though when i woke up, somehow the ache was lesser, or i got better at standing it.


and thankkkkkkkks to all the people who careeeee. i love you guys loads kay. like seriously. and i'll be here toooooo. though it won't seem like it.



okay, my turn soon. come back soooonly!






'ta fuckerrrrrrrrs!






xoxo
it's just that
'i can't stand to let us go this way',
screaming in my head.

ps: i wouldn't go down without a fight, but i might if there's nothing left to fight for. but i think there still is. i know there still is.

pps: imy,ily, x1000 x infinity.

pps: and you said, "_________________" and i said, "_______________"
nochalance was never my strongest point, you were always my biggest vice,

i just heard the scariest thing, and i was fucking worried for you, though he was only being drunk and all.

called you to see if you were alright, and then i remembered.






being nothing to you now is so inconvenient.

titter tottering heart full of doubts; clarity.

"kisses, bitter, sour, sweet."


home makes me feel at home. it makes me feel alone. it makes me feel like .....

many many things have happened recently, and i realized quite a number of things. for one, i really don't think properly.

it's always the 'why didn't you think of it before?' thing that strikes you after everything is said and done. doesn't take away the kind of regret and that lingering notion of 'things will be different if.....'

and i'll get through this, i know i will. it's just the time that i need. no matter how things work out, i've got to change. funny how i can't follow my damned advice, huh?

but today was really one of the worst days of all. i hope i never have to go through that feeling again, or see that situation happening ever again, please.

one month, one month. four weeks, four weeks, thirty one days, thirty one days.

erased everything that i typed below;

bec told me some stuff that taught me how to look properly at things from his viewpoint, and from a general stand, and i understand now.

now's the time for the doing, and i have to cultivate that kind of willpower to do it, and yes i can.

alright, super sleepy; i hope i won't be awakened by anything/anyone other than him.

three hours in almost two days; i need some pills soon.



weewee, you're loved too.


xoxo
and between now and then,
till i see you again,
i'll be loving you.

love, me.



ps: i miss us.
pps: i wish i could just..... __________________________________ xxxxxxxxxxx.

i want you back so bad.....


edited:

nights like these. grew too used to having someone beside you. and it's over. just when you think you're going to be fine it hits you smack in the face. it's over. and it hurts so bad you can't think can't do anything but be helpless . wake up bitch wake up. be strong God damnit. you don't can't won't want this. you shouldn't be this way . you promised.

listening to songs. GOD. i'm sorry, i'm sorry. pathetic fucked up fool. i don't know what hurts more. fuck it . just. fuck it.

i'm sorry i'm sorry. out of control frenzy fighting for that last bit of control thoughts whirling spiralling out of proportions going to the last happy times and looking now. saying looking back you'll laugh at it but i don't want to live through the times when i'm not. first hand. first fucking hand. to know that you were thinking all those and you were trying to change for reasons you thought were correct. i.....

wondering if it hurts the same way. asking wondering. shaking desperate for some escape. i don't wna be alone in this. it's .....

this is retribution. and to know that the fault is none but my own. i.....

and it trails off like that. how can people get over this. to know it's going to be fine some day. to know you've said the exact same words to someone saying it back to you now. to know how fucking bullshitty it sounds like cause it fucking doesn't help and things are easier said then done. all those other supposedly words of consolation they can't mean a thing anymore. not when it's hurting so fucking deep. near hysterics and words can't describe that kind of afraid feeling that's going through. that 'i don't wna go through this anymore'. and i really.....

God.....

how many tissue boxes will it be before..... to look back and remember without wincing. without feeling that lump gathering in your throat.

i.....

don't wna be alone now.

God.....

stripped down, cold.

love, my world is crumbling, crumbling. and i'll have to build it back up, piece by piece. mending, mending.

to be strong, love, you told me to. it's hard.

time to grow up. to love is to be vulnerable. vulnerability should wear off soon, it must. it must.

can't have it any other way.

it's the in-between part that kills. kills so bad.

and yet it's that part that makes you stronger. and i will be. i swear to God, so help me, i will be.

this should be healthy. a healthy kind.



and lo and behold, my first real heartbreak.



xoxo,
i love you too, so much, so much.

ps: i doubt you'd ever get to read this, but if you do..... 24/7. always, always.


edited:

played a game, asked God what we would be like in a months time, and this song came up.

Ooh uh ooh,ooh uh ooh yeih yeh
You understand me
At least you say you do
Lately thats enough for me
Looking for perfect
Surrounded by artificial
You're the closest thing to real i've seen
Sure, everyone has their problems
Thats a given
Yours are the easiest to tolerate
This wasn't what we was wanting
How we're living
But let's take this good enough and turn it to great
Baby understand...

This can only be as good as we both make it
Guess sometimes its gonna hurt (yes sometimes its gonna hurt)
We can be as happy as we want to be girl
But we gotta make it work
We gotta make it work...

Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh

Sometimes i love you
More than you'll ever know
Other times you get on my nerves (hey)
That's just reality
No, it can't always be
Kisses, hugs, and beautiful words

You was looking for your prince,ooh
What you found (wat u found)

Is a pauper with potential
And no, i'm nowhere near perfect..NO
But i'm around (but im around)
Girl, time and patience is essential
Baby realize...

This can only be as good as we both make it
Guess sometimes its gonna hurt (guess sometimes its gonna hurt)
We can be as happy as we want to be girl
But we gotta make it work
We gotta make it work...

Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh

Thick and thin, (ooh)
The bad outweighs the good sometimes
That doesn't mean we're 'spose to give it up
My problems are yours,and yours are mine

This can only be as good as we both make it
Guess sometimes its gonna hurt (guess sometimes its gonna hurt)
We can be as happy as we want to be girl
But we gotta make it work
We gotta make it work...

Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh
We gotta make it work...
Ay oh ay oh oh



that could be our song. our fucking song.

make it work? i wish we could. so fucking much.

ajisdjio jnrehiwroiqwhn jioahndjkasdna ndaj kjpoaj ofjemf fafadfaijnghegnowen jfoajfoi jemieknv ejfojfihjenejkna fejofijepjfqwi kl jeopfjepaogjwqpojfqwamfpiwaqojfq jfpoajgpeogjemiofekm ajfoapjfqjfmpojfnmafnaoihfaoihftq9wifjkamfahjfpojmfjfpohjfopwjfpojwf vnskjdnvoish98weypao; mcnkjf ojopghaeohgnajvjskgnanvagaq ojoiahfeignlvmana

asoiajfoiheatfuwahtaothinjat ioajfoihetjuihtjpaotjqu[j fheht8o39thy8aoihfkjna nfhioahgoiaheanc .

what i said must sound like this to you.

jioafjoai jjasodjapwjret sjfoejtewoq.

this must be what this whole situation is about now.



ajdajsaisjfoiashjfoishd haosihdaoihsfpahfoaps h isahdpashfpoahjfpoasj poj jspaojfpoajfpoasjdpoasjdoasj jdsoapjdpoasjfophetuirjbgnfae nsiaohfiehieaqhfja;n iphan lksnafiaeht asdnhiohto ieandiaos asdjoiashdoiashruenf .



did you understand?

cause i don't either .

but i've gotten what i wanted, so are you happy now?

"you hang her smile on a thread; a flimsy flimsy thread."

out with cynthia neo xr today! even though it was for a few hours, i really enjoyed myself, cause i missed her like goodness knows what. -..- reminds me of the 'good old days' where we'd go out and stay out enjoying and enjoying and enjoying and enjoying and enjoying. -..-

oh wellllllllllllll. so, we were supposed to meet up at 2pm, but we met each other at 7.30pm in the end. yes and i know people who know me who read this will probably go 'ya cause johanna was LATE!' and i just want to say, 'IT'S NOT ENTIRELY ME HOR!' to that. LOLLOL.

you see ah, cause we chatted on the phone till five to six? then we went to bed. then when i woke up it was nine, and i couldn't sleep, so i watched a movie on mio, and called cyn to ask if she still wanted to meet up at 2, cause she hadn't called by then, so i assumed she was still sleeping, AND I WAS RIGHT!

so we arranged to meet at four instead, but okay lah. i postponed it to five, then six..... then seven. LOL. sorry :D you know the phrase 'good things are worth waiting for' right? hahahaha it applies to this situation (:

met up and rushed to the shops cause they were closing, and i bought a bag and a top, while she bought a top and something else which i can't remember. another top i think. -..- end of story.

OH YA I REMEMBER. she bought another two cardigans. one of which i wanted. but cause i'm damn nice like that and it was the last piece, i let her have it. LOLLLLL. damn nice right -..- okay la. not necessarily like that, but whatever. that knitted cardi is damn nice i swearrrrr.

hate it when i go shopping and i see something i like which my good friend also likes. like damn awkward la like have to do the 'you want you buy lor never mind one *insert big smile*' thing. LOL so annoying lah! when you want to have it but for the sake of your friend..... hahahahaha so the next time this happens cyn shall let me have it instead -..- whatever la i say until like i'm super wei da like that.

and she kept going "JOH DON'T LIKE THAT LEH!" cause i kept rushing around in a semi-frenzy, cause the shops were all closing.

i hate that feeling like i'm not done with shopping and the shops actually have the audacity to want to close when I WANT TO SHOP!. damn irritating i swear. LOL okay i'm the queen of England ma.

okay rambling!

went home after; caught the last train&bus. like *shock /gaspppppps!* whatever la my parents insisted on me coming home. another super irritating thing. -..-

but met up with bec and her boyfriend after i got home. super convenient to have one of my best friends staying four blocks away from me! chitted chatted, and here i am, at home once again.

anyway, pictures up! yes, i look retarded i know. but still pretty right! HAHA okay stuff it.


















some more on cyn's blog. LOL i so want to redye my hair pleaseeeeeeeee ):

and we were discussing something just now, about how people might like to judge others based on what they 'think' they know of the other; but for God's sake luh if you don't know the person well enough to make an assumption of any sort, then DON'T. i'm saying this because i'm not happy on how some people like to say stuff like 'oh i think xxxxx has changed blablabla because blablabla and she's so blablabla'.

like what the bloody fuck you don't even know so and so well enough to make such a judgement eh. and you can't judge someone based on something that is so fucking superficial. and how the hell can you say something like 'she/he has changed', when you didn't even know who he/she really was to start with?! really eh i'm super unhappy when it comes to such cases, cause you fucking have no rights to comment like that. i mean if you are his/her good friend then well by all means say what ever you want, because you have the actual rights to, because you knew he/she before what ever happened to make people think that they changed.

so yeah people, shut up if you want to make such stupid comments, because it just shows how shallow and stupid you are. dumb fucks.

okay i think this is the first time i'm saying something like this outright. but i seriously don't agree with people saying that. lol

oh ya and cyn and i are still "attuned to each other's forces" LOL.

'Johanna says:
OMG YOU KNOW WHAT
cynthia says:
wat?
'Johanna says:

out with cynthia neo xr today!
'Johanna says:
LOL thats the first sentence in my blog
'Johanna says:
like i go put your entire name
cynthia says:
wtf!
'Johanna says:
and you put my entire name
cynthia says:
wtfwtf
cynthia says:
LOLOL
'Johanna says:
LOL WTF
'Johanna says:
LOLLOL i';m so blogging abt it
cynthia says:
creepy shit

and.....

cynthia sent 3/4/2009 4:41 AM:
y does everyone call u johanna the great?
'Johanna says:
LOL
'Johanna says:
why not
cynthia says:
ok pwned i nth to say
cynthia says:
HAHAH

okay i think no one else is going to get it -..-I'M HUNGRY ):

going off. sleep tight fuckers!

afterthought: this is a fucking long post.


xoxo
like you weren't there.


ps: some things people said went into my head, and those thoughts are spinning, spinning, spinning, spinning, spinning through it. i guess we really, need to talk.

as quoted from 'Romeo and Juliet',

'Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?'


.....


yes. where the hell are you, Romeo?








on another note; meeting up/shopping with cynthia later on. can't wait! toodles (:

cheese sandwiches and tomato salads

"wish we never broke up right now, na na!"

OHHHHHH MAAAAA GAWWWDDDDDDD.

can you spell b-o-r-e-d? cause i can. so many things to doooooooo! i want to redye my hair, and i have to go to school to talk to my teacher about my future in NYP, meetups, jobs to do, things to sew, dota to learn etc etc etc etc etc.

alright maybe not a lot of things but stilllllllllll. i want to go shopping, bloody son of a gun! and i received a super nice compliment from Jerold lah! like total yay-ness!

and i'm kind of confused about the state of affairs right now, like uh, what are we, exactly? and yet i'm wondering how to do the asking. o.O it's weirrrrrrrd.

ho hummmmmm, and i never thought i'd get to chatting with ___. after so damn long. but it's nice in a way (: but it's another weird thing too.

yuck i feel like doing one of those elusive posts about something but seems like mumble jumble to others kind of thing.

and i want a new laptop! and a realllllly black eyeshadow. and those denim knee lengths, and more shoes, tops, bottoms, bags, acessories, blablabla.

and akon is going "i wanna make up right now, na na"~ in my head right now. urgh heard that there's an event on the 15th, and i'll see how our status is then. (: if things are good then i'll refrain from the shimmy shake shake. -..- fuck i sound like some retard. -..-

but seriously in a way i feel kind of happy. like..... more blissful this way? and we're more loving i guess? but isn't it supposed to be the other way around or something.....? or maybe we're together already and i don't know.-..- forget it i shall ask tomorrow. my mind is getting all confused and i'm just rambling on and on and on. okay i shall shut up now, and go dota or something.

on my own of course! shan't risk getting scolded. :D



xoxo
cause you were my homie, lover and friend.

ps: totally naff ending phrase. homieeee!