Powerhouse, pn Christmas Eve. went to club with Sam and co, and this weds too! but with different people of course.

damn bored! and kinda stressed up too. fuck money issues.

anyway, no idea if i'm still playing mahjong at Sam's. majorly tempted to do so, plus discussing with Joey about mahjong. and she seems very amazed at the fact that my house does have a mahjong set and table.

though we've never really used it on account of the fact that my parents usually don't allow people to come over to play mahjong. -.-

but..... hands itchyyyyy! swear.

kay A is booking out tomorrow. 3 days before my parents come back home! (: their super sweet, text me telling me that they bought stuff for me.

and once again they have no communication skills. my dad texted me first, then i replied them. then the next hour or so, my mum texted me with the exact same contents. -.-

kay shall go watch some tvee and continue fiddling with my fb. super annoying just went to create a new one. damn ma fan.

Cyn and i were talking and i realized that the two of us are quite contented and peaceful nowadays. maybe it's really true, what they say about friends influencing each other!


kaybyebye.


xoxo

eggs are mean.

Bec's over at the moment!

the parents are out for five days and i've got to be on my bestest behaviour! that explains why i'm not out right now.

we did the typical girly stuff you'd do on sleepovers and watched 'UP'!!!!!

like finallllly! been wanting to watch it even before it came out. but didn't manage to catch it while it was still airing in cinemas. ): yay for MIO!

thank God she's over here; else i'd be super scared! and there was a cockroach in mum's room toilet just now but Bec totally saved the day by flushing it down the sink.

i think little things like this makes life more enjoyable. friends, i mean. not the cockroach.

urg i hate insects!

okieeeeeeeee. have to go rest cause B's gonna call me later on. and i've no idea why he told me to sleep early -.- but that bugger is damn annoying. i hate it when i find out stuff that he's been doing, that i supposedly don't know about. but aiya i just chance upon such stuff.

though really, i'm supposed to be secure and all that, plus it doesn't really matter, but i still don't like it. *gives annoyed huff*

stuff to do tomorrow, so i need to sleeeeeeeeep.

byebye!

xoxo

edited:

read some blogs. and i feel damn afraid of the end of this relationship.

this fear makes me almost wanna give everything up now. every single thing.the texts, phone calls, concern, jealousy, hugs, kisses, the i love yous and the blissful kinda feeling when it's like all's right with the world as long as we're together; every single piece of what constitutes our relationship.

cause we're still so young. heartbreak is inevitable, and when it happens..... i don't wanna pick up the pieces again. that nightmare's in the past, but it lingers on like a crazy song you can't get out of your head.

i'm afraid. i really am. though i say i'll be different if/when it happens, i know it'll hurt the same way all over again. though i'll know how to handle it, doesn't mean it'll get any easier.

the thing about A and i is that we don't do the whole 'forever and ever' thing. for me, it's too much to hope for, and too illogical. it's just taking it a step at a time, and getting through whatever crap comes up.

i'd like to believe that i'm special to him, like how he is to me. but then again, that's also too much to hope for. after all i'm just another person, nothing much.

and we have so many issues..... the recent one being of importance and me going to club. so so many things to get through. i'm not hoping for much, but i do hope that there won't be any heartbreak any more.

i really hate seeing couples break up. it makes me wonder when our expiry date is. he's like home to me now, and it scares me more than anything cause i realize i'm even more vulnerable now than i am then, in a way.

don't feel like blogging any more. goodnight.

mood: sombre.

not putting up with.

edited.

facebook got disabled. major annoyance. first the hacker, and now this. sent an email to facebook like an aunty. HAHAHA.

should be getting ready to get my glasses, then heading to aunt's house for christmas celebration. have no idea what i'm doing later on, though i doubt i'll be meeting A, since he doesn't seem interested plus that makes me turned off from seeing him too.

said it a lot of times, i'm not gonna settle for second best, nor the second class treatment.

anyway, off to get ready. wanna do my nails!!!!!!! ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly.

xx

ps: i'm sticking to my promise. but too bad for me, that you're a person who gives out promises like a fart from your ass. too bad for you, i'm not the girl in the past anymore.

X'mas

Fort Siloso today with A and his ship people. felt damn awkward when we first reached, cause a) not many of them brought other people along, and b) the others who went along were 'titled' like 'wife', 'kid one' and 'kid two', etc.

second awkward thing was the group photo moments. shan't elaborate on that; no idea how to either.

then came the Amazing Race thing. my face was like = (o.o) to (>.>) to (<.<) to (-.-).

cause firstly, i'm really not the kind of girl who'll be super enthu in such games, cause sometimes i really don't see a point, plus there's the whole 'i don't know anybody here' issue, and the 'wha sian the sun is fucking hot!!!!!' thing, and main point = i don't do running. not much of it anyway.

but surprisingly enough, it was quite okay; enjoyable even. the exhibitions were really interesting, plus his ship people are all quite nice, though it was on the serious side, with all the 'Sir, blablabla' here and 'Sir, blablabla' there. Plus, it was fun to spend time with A and see another side of him?

photos!

Cyn and i after work (IT Fair).









with Joey





no idea why it was so damn dark!

wha lao not fair does anyone have good jobs to recommend? i swear i'm a hard worker!!!!!

Christmas is coming! what the hell am i going to do tomorrow/on the day itself? club/go out w friends/spend with family/ A?

next year's Christmas shall be a good one!



xoxo
last christmas, i gave you my heart.

ps: i'm glad that you're still keeping it.

bad night last night, but i'm glad things are all good now.

sentosa/ fort siloso tomorrow with B.

i swear, photos up v v v v v soon!


edited:

Johanna

hey

3:14amChristopher

yo

haha

3:15amJohanna

not good

3:16amChristopher

wads not good?

3:16amJohanna

am stuck in london

3:17amChristopher

ahh...

but london is good!..

lol.

3:17amJohanna

got mugged at gun point

3:18amChristopher

O.o

serious?

omg.

3:18amJohanna

all cash credit card and cell phone was stolen off me

am freaked out

3:19amChristopher

wth..

faster go make a police report ba.

u need any help?

3:19amJohanna

yes

ineed your help

my flight leaves in few hours

3:21amChristopher

uh huh..

den how can i help?

:/

3:21amJohanna

my return flight leaves in fewhours

and i have problem settling the hotel bills

thankGod i still have my life and passport

3:23amChristopher

hmm

how much is the hotel bill?

the prob is my bank no money..

3:23amJohanna

$570

3:23amChristopher

i can sms some of our classmates tho..

i went shopping today u see.

anybody u want me to contact?

3:24amJohanna

how much can you spare me at the moment

3:24amChristopher

$200.. :/

3:25amJohanna

do you know any western union outlet

3:25amChristopher

no..

but seriously wanna help

u need me to contact anybody or not?.

3:26amJohanna

you are my only hope

3:27amChristopher

but i dunno any western union outlets...

3:27amJohanna

do you have a credit card

3:28amChristopher

nope..

tats why i ask if u need me to contact anymore

3:29amJohanna

you can do it online

3:29amChristopher

hmm

how?

3:29amJohanna

with a credit card

3:30amChristopher

hmmm.. i dun have a credit card... -.-

3:30amJohanna

you can search for an outlet through google

3:30amChristopher

okok.

will do it now.

3:30amJohanna

kk

3:32amChristopher

wad time is ur flight coming back?

3:33amJohanna

as soon as i settle the bill i head to the airport

3:34amChristopher

icic..

3:34amJohanna

approximately 3 hours

3:35amChristopher

ok

how do i trnasfer to u?

3:36amJohanna

do you know any western union outlet nearby

3:36amChristopher

nope.

:/

and no buses availble..

wad should i do now?

3:38amChristopher

is $600 enough?

3:38amJohanna

eh chris

that wasn't me

3:39amChristopher

LOL

kk

3:39amJohanna

seriously

3:39amChristopher

good.. u're online..

3:39amJohanna

i think my fb got hacked into omg.

3:39amChristopher

u kinda hacked.

ya.

the person was trying to scam money luh

3:39amJohanna

YA

3:39amChristopher

he say.. u at london kinda mugged

3:39amJohanna

ya i read that

omg

3:39amChristopher

at first belive.

3:39amJohanna

then bh called me to tell me

3:39amChristopher

ya..

i kinda smart k?

haha

k la.

i think u change pass.

i was stalling time actually..

yup

3:40amJohanna

LOL. thank you chrissss

hahaha

3:40amChristopher

npnp..

(:

niites.. haha

3:41amJohanna

hahaha okay :D

3:42amJohanna

wha lao the person rly sound damn annoying

3:43amChristopher

lol..

yar.. so desprate riites?

3:43amJohanna

YA. plus nv even say pls or ty

siao if bh never call me

3:43amChristopher

lol.. say no credit card le.. den still ask me go outlet..

3:43amJohanna

i think people rly will think i'm a scammer

3:43amChristopher

lol.. was abt to play wif him but u log in le..

YAR!.. thats why i called bh..

someone fucking hacked my facebook!!!!! and talked to jerome and christopher, and i think mabel they all.

only just knew about it when Binghui gave me a call at 3.30 AM in the morning to ask me where i am. (read the contents)

Mabel called me from taiwan too, to ask me where i am.

would be quite pissed off if i weren't so amused, and kinda touched that people are actually willing to help me in a way. but still, a tad more than annoyed. >.>

imagine if Christoper or someone actually believed that person lah! and it's not a virus. it was an actual person, cause the things that they say are different, and not those automated responses.

fuck you, facebook hacker. fuck you truly madly deeply. i changed my password already! YOU WANT YOU GUESS LOR!!!!!

HAHAHAHA. okay shut up. childish.

have to meet A at an unearthly hour tomorrow morning/later AND I AM STILL AWAKE!

okay goodnight.


xx

beyond belief.

you've really disappointed me again. congratulations.

if you're gonna continue treating me like this then forget this relationship. i don't deserve anything close to this kind of treatment no matter how many times i've flared up at you.

your actions contradict your words, and i'm not the only one who's being selfish.

my reason was for self protection. what was yours?

after everything, and still all the blame is shoved to me. you blame me for your change, so should i blame you for mine?

fuck that so called one year anniversary. you've really made this heart colder than it has ever been.

yay it fair tomorrow. gonna work and chiong like mad! hopefully i'll earn lots of $ cause i've got debts to settle and bills to pay.

fuck it. my handphone bill arrived and it amounted to a total of $200 ++. doesn't sound like much, but it's damn annoying cause it's not even my own fault.

made sure i didn't exceed much of the messages plus i monitored my outgoing call minutes. the reason why my bill is this high is cause of the GPRS usage. fuck it i swear.

the Bb was a little hard to understand initially, what with the wifi browser and the gprs browser. took quite a while to get the hang of it and realize that i have to shut off the thingy. FUCK i swear. the data usage alone got my bill racked up to that amount.

lucky i went and got the data service plan enabled to double ensure that at least if i use gprs accidentally then i won't have to pay as much, cause it caps at $39.90 i think?

dad should be quite angry already. but what the fuck is a Bb for if i don't use internet?!i really shouldn't be blamed that much; it was an honest mistake.

but fucking expensive luh. yeah to some people it mightn't be much, but to me now it's a lot.

(hahahaha i sound so damn spoiled. but it's true, and i know i am quite spoiled in some ways. but i'm working hard to break that habit!)

anyway, i've got to have an early night; long day tomorrow! all the best to meeeeee!

goodnight world.


xoxo
survivor

Virgin attempt.

this is me attempting to blog via my bb.



Ps: I hate reading about/seeing couples break up.

Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld

"coming back to you"

B's retarded beyond belief but aw damn it's amusing and kinda endearing in a lot of ways. like when i get mad, just a smile and some spastic movements can get me to forget my anger just like that.

anyway, he's back!!!!! and it sucks cause we're not gonna be able to spend much time together this year (what's left of it), and the next.

already got his Christmas present(s) in mind (WHERE'S MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT YOU ASSHOLE?! hahahaha), but it's not gonna be very expensive due to the fact that i'm quite broke. ))))):

what i would give to be rich.....! *laments wistfully* the things i can buy.....

alright, shall go get down to some DIY-ing. stripped crop top coming right up. easy peasy lemon squeezy. just a few snips and a little something something with my sewing machine = TADA.

no need to waste money to get one of those retailing, though i'd bet the workmanship will be so much better! oh well.

ooh yeah! i don't think i'll be eating very much for this period of time, due to the fact that there always seems to be something swimming around in my food.

found hair in my ban mian earlier, and when i cooked noodles just now, i found two little insects in them. SMLJ?!?!?!?!?!

fuck my life, i swear.

kk bye.


xoxo

torn.

shitload of photos to update this photo-less space with, but i really can't be bothered to.

so many decisions to make, so little time.

it really sucks when you can't count on the person you love to give you support and encouragement without going on and on and giving useless criticism. but it ain't his fault; i'm a hopeless case to begin with.

moolah come to me please!

working this weekend at the IT fair at suntec. people who need laptops get your asses down and buy from me; i'll be your friend forever.

kay, gotta start racking my brains out. i promise photos up soon, whoever's reading this.



bye

xoxo
but that don't bother me.

ps: what hurts the most.

fun fun fun

went to St James with @Cynthia and @yeemay for someone's birthday. i hate mix ups! super irritating when you've to wait and wait.

have no idea why it was so packed; maybe the people at zoukout decided to jump ship?????
i think we're super li hai!! managed to get in even after so many obstacles.

the bouncers were very pissy and stuff and there was a lot of pent up anger running around. males + alcohol + fucked up situation = CMI.

anyway..... yeemay faster 18!!!!! and cyn faster go make a police report!!!!!

Cyn's telling me she'll be a good president. LOL .idiot. i just gave her a 'hurghhhh!' sound.

kay photos up soon! last night was an okay night save for some hiccups, but over all satisfaction rate was okay?????


xoxo

forever

thank you for all the birthday wishes, and efforts to spend time with me on my birthday!

spent it almost exactly the way i wanted. hurhurrrrr. :D

anyway, am at B's, and he just ordered canadian pizza. i luv waking up and being able to eat. but like fattening onlyyyyyyyy. oh well.

i wanna get my waterproof eyeliner. :D

andddddddddd. stop reading what i'm writing August you idiot.

and stop 'wtf-ing' !! hahahahaha

have that wanna work feeling, but too bad not working. anyway, pictures up soon!

my k faze thingy is back already. rahhhhh shall go listen to some dbsk/2ne1/snsd/ftisland bla.

damn annoying saw shaun's status on fb! and he's saw minhwan, jaejin, and jonghoon! WHAAAAAA. super envvvvvyyyyy. i think taiwan celebrities have no effect on me lor. and i think if one day i see Jaejoong i will like faint.

like seriously. or maybe i will wait to faint. HAHAHA. omg the countless dreams i dreamt of him..... ))))): sucks la why dbsk now like that?!?!?!?! ):

damn sad only. SM SUCK MY NON EXISTENT DICK!!!!!!!!!!!. fuck LSM.

RAH.


k bad mood upon thinking of it. BUT WO BU GUAN. they're never gonna break up. IDC.


kk byebye.


xoxo
keeping the faith.

write it down

contemplated posting up several potentially embarrassing pictures i had screen shot from A and my past msn conversations, then decided against it cause it's so goosebumps inducing.

he's been off for only a day or so, and i think a little part of me is missing him quite a bit.

i miss him being plain retarded and doing weird arsed gestures and doing little actions that make him seem way too kiddish for his age.

the other day we were at Macdonald's, and apparently the counter lady asked him "Xiao di, ni yao chi shen me?"/" what do you wanna eat little boy?"

okay not quite till the extent of little boy, but still.

two from that day out with Sam; way overdue. sorry dude! :D i'm still too lazy to edit the rest. maybe soon? hahahahah.

B and i. swear the flash kept focusing on my face i've no idea why. and A's already darker than me by quite a bit. i think my editing already not bad lor, though it still looks quite off and horrible. but the flash was BLUE eh.





k la k la. hurry come back with my presents okay?


on another note: i need new fake lashes and lash glue and liquid eyeliner. sad face*



xoxo

it's hard for me to watch sad scenes movies without inserting some stupid comment about how the mucus is running out of their nostrils, or how they are drinking their tears, or how it's damn dramatic or fake.

secret: i don't think it's because i scoff at emotions; it's to get me laughing to keep me from crying.


xx

effort.

what's the point of apologizing when you still continue doing whatever you're doing? doesn't it make the apology kinda moot anyhow?

and i do realize that this applies to me too.

but i think i've really lost faith in you. and it sucks cause it's tiring trying to hide how i feel even though there's no point showing it out.

we are what we are. and if that's your extent of how much you bother, then don't.

i really really don't need a repeat of disappointment and heartache. i hope it won't be that way, but what the hell are the odds of us actually working out; us being so mismatched?

i know somehow we fit together, but if the effort isn't there then there really is no point, now is there?

on a side note: i'm working tomorrow at a place i'd never thought i'd be working at. people who see me: pretend you don't and just keep walking thanks.



xx

been so long

"i like the way you move"

i have decided not to sleep. i don't know why, but yes that is my decision.

i will go and get ready super early so i won't miss that fucking job interview, and i will paint& trim my nails after blogging. oh yes, not to forget, i have to give Baby his wake up calls so that he won't be late again! or else he won't be able to book out tonight, plus he has to stay in on Saturday for guard duty/study or something. oh well.

he won't be around on my birthday either, cause he'll be off sailing. like damn sad only!!!!! okay wait. not really lah.

even though it's my 18th it doesn't really excite me other than the fact that i can legally go clubbing instead of sneaking in and worrying about how to get in. other then that it's not really very YAY inspiring, especially cause of the fact that it's that much easier for my parents to kick me out everytime i screw up.

don't really feel like celebrating though. dinner would be fine with me HINTS* and i wanna go club, especially cause A won't be in town. HAHA.

damn overdue photos!

this was from that day in Eskibar, with Isaac and his friends. super friendly people (:

Isaac is super pretty in pink!











didn't take many pictures! but played fun games like beat?!?!?!?! i have no idea what that game is called.

cyn and i went to the bartender and asked him to give us a free mixers! and we succeeded. same with another group of people, who turned out to be A's campmates. super small world luh.

this is me trying to act cute. wearing rainbow heartshaped dangly earrings that my sisters made for me a super long time ago out of those earring kits for kids. so sweet right! i kept it all these while.




okay that's all for now. can't be bothered! I AM LAZY!

anyway, shall go paint my nails and go play viwawa or something. :D



xoxo

trying to find out how to use my phone and i think i've been accidentally using GPRS instead of WI-FI for the past day or so. FML.

a lot of fml-ish things occurred the past few days, and to top it off Baby's going to spend more time in camp.

i wanna go out! but i feel so disorientated it sucks. kay doesn't make any sense.

so much to do, so little time.

cyn says: can you blog about something that is more optimistic?!

me: what!!!! have what!

cyn: *proceeds to read other entries*

27 november : mood pessimistic
26 november : mood sad
25 november : obviously pessimistic

me: OKAY LA.

LOL. i think i'm super pessimistic and dissatisfied with my life. or maybe i'm not content with the way things are right now.

okay i am, but i think i whine too much. oh well.


k i am going to change my blog url. ta ta delicatelikethunder@bs.com!

what's all this talk about love and all those love quotes about forever or about loving someone?

frankly i'm sick of all these bullshit. you love someone else just to make yourself feel whole. the whole thing is just a fucking cycle cause no one can ever be alone without feeling like something's missing.

i am feeling way too cynical for my own good, these days.

miserable without you.

:'(

best friends.

i'm hard to please, a little crazy at times, and emotional frenzies take me to another out-of-control level altogether, all too frequently. my first reaction to affection would be in-born sarcasm and i have difficulty showing or controlling how i really feel at times. i don't respond well to critics, no matter how well meaning they were meant, and i am overly blunt to the core at times. i find that i have no discipline, and i can't stick to what i say simply because i lose the determination to. i am way too fickle minded, even when it comes to the simplest of decisions. i am not pretty or lovable, not sweet or apt to do thoughtful things.

all i have, are words and simple gestures to show you that i truly care.

this goes out to all the people who have been with me through the years, through my changes, be it good or bad, through my worst times, and through my happiest moments. thank you for standing by my side throughout, and thank you for being there even though i've never deserved anything. i'll never know what's going to happen in one year, five, or even ten. but i just hope that you'd all know how much you guys mean to me, and know that i'm truly grateful to have each and every one of you to fall back on. and the same goes out for you. i'll be there, no matter what.

and even though i don't show it, you still mean one of the most to me. but over time i've realized that you were right. it's pointless to act like we still have something when perhaps the will to try again doesn't resonate as strongly as before mainly because of all the failed attempts. or perhaps they wouldn't be failures if we didn't let it. but it's hard to say anything, to show anything. you'd understand if you were me, if you wanted to. too many words and the weariest of them all: i miss you, i love you.


this isn't the end.



no, nothing happened. i just felt like saying something; scoff at it all you want. it doesn't matter.


///////


xoxo
baby, we're keeping it together. somehow.
sweetest of words, bitterest of hearts.

hi friend!

i feel so fat. and hopeless. i don't know why my stomach is so fucking bloated.

I AM NOT PREGNANT.

i just feel grumpy and fucked up that i'm fat fat.

))))):

on the phone with John now. he finally wants to talk to me. LOL. fucker sial. tmd smned! LOL. and he called me up suddenly. HAHA.

talking about stuff in the past. and it's damn funny!!!!! HAHA.

but at the point of time we'd be so totally O.M.G.O.M.G.

LOL.

kay shall go do something constructive. byebye:D


xoxo
true to your love.


ps: :D

hi, i feel quite distant from society at the moment.

went for some mahjong action at Aldrin's place after a movie at AMK Hub with A's mum and sister.

Huishan and i prepared a super delicious lunch for them. HAHA. :D

okay off to do whatever. goodnight.

20/11

"full circle, and then some."

i know i'm a few hours late, but still, better late than never right?

anyway, i know i said a few photos, but i honestly can't quite be bothered to dig them up.

okay okay this is spoiling the mood.

anyway, it was our eleventh three hours before, and there were constant reminders about how hard it was for us to get back together.

both of us made a lot of mistakes, and we both learned a lot about each other, and what it takes to save a relationship, or what to do to break one.

there was a point in time where i'd honestly, put you down and start to move on with my life, but somehow our paths brought us back, full circle. at first i was really hesitant of even walking down this again, of getting myself entangled in something that spells disaster all over.

but i guess you've proved to me that some things do change, and i've proved that some things never do.

i'm not gonna say things about how perfect we are for each other, cause we're not. we irk each other to no end, and we've been having the stupidest quarrels these few days, which only end when we can't quite keep up being angry at each other.

somehow at the end of the day, you make me forget why i even got mad in the first place, no matter how pissed off i was.

however, all in all. i do think that we are worth another shot, that's why i took that step. it's not going to be easy at all, we've a lot of issues left to work out and work through, but i guess that's part and parcel of every relationship?

we're very different people, and we're always disagreeing, but somehow we manage to get along, manage to talk about stuff, manage to be better than ever. and i guess it counts for something right?

i do hope you'll never stop being good to me, no matter how much i piss you off, or no matter how many times i do things that make you angry. and i hope that you know that i always say and do things on impulse, cause that's the way i am. but i'll try to rein that in, and stop flaring up at you when i get irritated.

we aren't perfect, and we're both stubborn as hell. i really wonder how long we're going to last before we try to kill each other, but even if i do kill you, i want you to know that i love you. <3

and i want to thank you for doing stuff for me, for meeting my friends though you'd rather not in the beginning, for wanting to please my parents (even though you blamed me when you explained to my mum about our quarrel), for attempting to be thoughtful and succeeding many times, and many many more.

okay, enough of the sappy stuff. you better treat me good okay, and remember everything we agreed upon. i love how you've taught me so much about myself, and how you've changed so so much.

i love you A. happy 11th.


xoxo
choices

ps: see you tomorrow!

pps: credits to K for the then/than spellings.

time after time

"love like this"

so, it's 6:17 am, and the reason this is unusual, is because i am awake at this hour, and this is because i WOKE UP instead of me not sleeping yet, which would be the usual case.

today's the 20th, and the reason i am mentioning this date, is because today marks the 11th anniversary of my relationship with A! which kinda sucks in another way cause it could've been our 13th/one year one month. oh well. he's an ass. HAHA.

anyway, i'm planning to do some nice and thoughtful dedication thing on my blog, but i'm at his place where i don't have any of our pictures save for one or two(note to self:SEND HIM MORE PICTURES!) and i can't really think of much to say now (EARLY HOURS!!!!!)

so..... i will be back. (mwahahahahahaha/evil laughter*) okay lame. HAHA.

got to wake him up at approximately 3 minutes, and God since when did my posts almost all start to be about him? BAD BAD BAD.

by the way, Cyn told me about 'Paranormal Activity' yesterday, and i fucking woke up at 4:57 am and couldn't get back to sleep. her voice was literally in my head, narrating the whole story over again. fucking creepy!!!!! kept imagining weird stuff which is totally BAD.

oh yeah, speaking of movies, that fucker (in the most affectionate way possible) and i kept arguing for the whole day yesterday. i think the fortune teller was right, i do have a bad temper. but the thing about me is that i get soft hearted too easily, though i do keep my stand.

we kept raising our voices at each other and arguing our own points. him about my going to school and my attitude, and me going on about him being ridiculous and irritating.

but i guess one thing that really changed is the way we can't stay mad at each other. sounds sickeningly sweet but it's true. i guess it's something about my face being too cute, and his being too amusing.

:D

anyway we made up, and it was kinda awkward cause my mum heard us quarreling (me shouting at him over the phone) , and i think she got quite annoyed so she shouted "HAO BU RONG YI ZAI YI QI ZUO MO YAO WEI LE XIAO SHI CHAO JIA?!' (it was hard enough getting back together, why fight over little things?!) and at his place we couldn't keep up the cold war act on account of his family being present.

and afterwards i found out that he texted my mum and blamed the fight all on me. WTH!!!!! when it's totally not all my fault lor. MUMMY IF YOU SEE THIS IT'S NOT ALL MY FAULT OKAY! later my own mother side A how sial. i'll totally be damn fucked up.

it's funny cause we're damn pissed at each other, and yet we don't wanna fight, but at the same time we don't wanna give in. fucked up though.

kk got to wake him up. edited post coming up later though.

if you read through this whole post word for word, then good job. :D but i doubt anyone would? except for close friends. hehe

and if you read through this whole post word for word and i made you laugh, then good job me. :D

okay got to go. byeeeeeee.


xoxo
hold your breath.

ps: happy eleventh, love.

hey brittany

was webcamming with Huishan! and she said i can't post ugly photos of her up.

look at Mingkang in the background!

which reminds me: i want a new laptop!!!!! with a webcam. shiiiiiiit! HAHA.

went to sing cheap karaoke at Katong with Sam, Cyn and August. surprisingly enough it turned out okay. at least Sam and Aug got to talking and stuff.

Cyn went home after, while we went to eat, and Sam suggested fishing! so off we went to Pasir Ris.

sat there for around 4 hours. and we didn't catch any thing. LOL. aw damn! but still, not a bad experience, plus i fulfilled my goal of not getting any mosquito bites!

i had 3-4 mosquito coils lighted up in front of me, and i sprayed my legs and arms with insect repellent. kinda kua zhang sounding, but the thought of having bugs on my body irks me to no end.

have quite a few photos i haven't posted up, from Eskibar and yesterday, so shall post em up soon. :D

goodnight people!


xoxo
so where do we go?

love/hate relationship

Starting a Video Call with cynthia; ...

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cynthia; is not answering.

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cynthia; is not answering.

Starting a Video Call with cynthia; ...

End call (Alt+Q)

cynthia; is not answering.

Starting a Video Call with cynthia; ...

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cynthia; is not answering.

Starting a Video Call with cynthia; ...

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cynthia; is not answering.

RSS Steadfast , back from sailing . says:

PICK UP LA

cynthia; says:

??/

Starting a Video Call with cynthia; ...

End call (Alt+Q)

cynthia; is not answering.

-

that's how annoying A is. HAHAHAHAHA.

you can't fight who you're with.

"when vines are tangled up in your feet,"

i am supposed to meet A for a movie + spending time together, blablablablabla tomorrow/later on, but i am still awake! and still watching bev hills 90210 at that.

i find that i get really affected by what i read/watch, so i've to be really careful about what i watch/read so that it doesn't get absorbed too much into my life and my emotions. weird huh?

so anyway, Bb is going on a little trip to the mother fucking South China Seas, and he's leaving tomorrow night! muwahahahahaha i'll miss him though there is a certain saying that goes, 'when the cat's away, the mice will play'. not over the top though, i know my limits. stop rolling your eyes!

ahhhhhrhghh i hate scenes in shows that show people who break other people up by being manipulative blablablablabla. okay and why does this sound familiar?

okay there's this scene in the show where this guy called Ethan got into an accident while on the phone with his girlfriend. he was fine la, but he knocked into this girl called okay i forgot her name. Ethan and that girl started hanging out a lot, blablablablabla, some sort cause he felt guilty and stuff, and felt like he had more in common with that girl? like more things to talk about.

anyway, that girl is exactly those types i'd hate hate hate hate hate on sight. like what the fuck she kept acting all weak, and gentle and helpless. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK LA. talking in those super soft voices and relating bad experiences that make people go 'awwwwww' or ke lian her.

wtf i don't know how his girlfriend could stand it la! like if it's me i'd be totally 'fuck off already la!' and display my manliness or show her who's boss by insist on spending time with my boyfriend while he has to take care of her.

i think there were a lot of times where i totally wanted to slap some girls that i saw revolving around A. like seriously, i think i'm the super possessive sort, and i get jealous really easily. and it wasn't even their fault lor, i'm just an ass. i hate guys by the way.

but for the record, if there're such girls around him, like the cunning and manipulative bitches kind who wanna steal him away (confirm don't have one la. HAHAHAHA okay shut up) i totally won't play nice. and he won't get a nice ending either, if he even entertains them. i'm thinking..... castration and something involving boiling hot oil and cigarettes.

like seriously i hate those sneaky kind of fuckers who do all those planning stuff. (though i love Blair Waldorf) and i hate liars. h8 em to the core.

LOL okay random much.

i wanna go to that cheap k place that Sam mentioned about!!!!! i will not miss out anymore.

oh well, should get some shut eye. B's coming over to wake me up instead of me going over to wake HIM up. nice change, that. :D

goodnight people!


xoxo
lucky lovers.

ps: i miss you. every, single day.

medal of honor

"the bravest of the brave"

back from meeting Cyn and Isaac and some of his friends! the initial plan was to go catch a movie, but yeah too late for that, and we ended up heading to Eskibar to drink.

was dared to go talk to people from the next table and ask them to get us mixers, and yay gentlemen they were cause i didn't get rejected! haha

and yes Singapore is a fucking small place, cause turns out that they know A! we all got to talking after Eskibar closed for the night, and someone mentioned that they were from navy, and i called B and turns out they all know each other and are even from the same batch!

seriously they were like O.O OMG. YOU'RE AUGUST'S GIRLFRIEND??!! and someone was saying that we were super different and stuff like that. oh wellz.

even saw them at Tampines Mall once; Sg is really small! and it was super coincidental. but it's nice to FINALLY meet some of his campmates, apart from random people. even though i met them without him -.- HAHA. power to me! (and Cyn)

i think i'm super bad at names, can't remember much of them.

got into another tiff with B, about freedom issues once again. he doesn't like me to go club and drink (go out at night) and stuff like that, and i'm finding it difficult to give up my freedom.

so, ultimatum issued, all or nothing. i've no idea what to do. ya la i know. attached already cannot go out with other guys right!!!!! but seriously it doesn't matter to me whether there's a pussy or a dick down south. just friends right??

fucking irritating. and it's making my already aching head wanna explode; lousy alcohol tolerance = me nursing a hangover. swear the alcohol runs damn fast around my body. = good blood circulation?????

okay long enough post. i shall post up photos asap! though i look fugly in almost every one of them. oh wellz. doesn't matter.

k shall text Bb a long sweet message and hopefully he'll stop being mad at me like srsly. COMPROMISE!!!!! not me giving in entirely and not him giving in all the way either.

COMPROMISE!!!!! -.-

kthxnight!


xoxo
sweetheart.

dearest,

i've always thought that maybe, just maybe. he didn't matter as much as before, and it's true in more ways than one.

it's been easier than most times to just shut myself away into my head, and refuse to speak just because i got mad about certain issues that i deemed way too hard to get him to understand.

like what happened last night, just because it happened a few months back doesn't mean that it doesn't matter now, or that i shouldn't have went on an emotional frenzy like what i did. it doesn't make up for the fact that you're a changed person now, and it had nothing to do with trust.

granted, it might have been a small issue, but it was only seemingly diminished in size because of how long ago it all was. likewise, nothing can make up for the fact that this is something i'd remember and take to heart; to guard myself with at every point.

but perhaps a relationship should mean more than that. it was so easy to just call it quits; the words were nearly out of my mouth. however somehow they stopped short, on the tip of my tongue. perhaps our relationship means more to me now than ever before, and to you too.

cause it stopped me from walking out that door, and i think it made you realize many things about me, and about the dynamics of our relationship.

somehow after all these months, the foundation has become more solid, much stronger than before. we've come to understand each other, and we're getting to know each other more and more each day, as friends, as lovers.

today marks the first day of his sailing, a solid week of his absence from my side. perhaps i've grown too used, again to his presence near mine. to be honest i miss him already, and it sickens me somewhere deep down. strangely enough however, that same disgust is something i gather strength from, but i can't understand that contradiction fully, not yet at least.

my emotions still seem to be hidden away in the pit that i've dug and covered up with solid mind cement. cracks are coming through though, i feel them at times, strong feelings that make me want to cry and scream at the same time.

it's funny how you can interpret chunks of text differently, depending on what you're going through. we all could take a little something from everything if we wanted to, and i'm gonna milk this experience for all it's worth.

all or nothing? i keep coming back to you, love. and i do, despite everything; love you, i mean.


xoxo
faith.

bored

hi, i am in a state of extreme irritation right now. like the past few days, my mood has been fluctuating between spates of contentment, and intense irritation.

i hate that i could be out singing cheap karaoke at kallang, and instead i am stuck home, using the computer. fucking annoying!!!!! and i can't even begin to explain why i have that need to head out every single night.

seriously why can't i have my cake and eat it too? like for example, have a boyfriend and still be able to go out with my other friends?

i wish i had super powers, like levitation or something, so i can just stare at stuff and they will move to where it belongs. seriously, if i could do that, my room will be as neat as anything. CONFIRM. cause i'm always visualizing where everything should go, and yet i can't seem to move my ass to clear stuff up. >=[

having a migraine now. sucks!

ah gong's birthday on saturday, and A's going off on the weekends to sail. and for the whole of next week too.

friends say that i sound happy whenever i mention the fact that he's going to be away for quite a few months next year onboard his navy ship. LOLLOL. but i'm really quite neutral about it. think i'll miss him a lot. LOL okay i sound like such an ass, i know.

i'm just being grumpy and all cause i can't go out. RAH. irritated ttm.

k. photos can't be uploaded. be back later on perhaps?



xoxo

edited:

proof that i really did go to school.



from the 11th while having a family dinner for the twin's birthday.

















and Binghui and i! i've no idea why i always turn out to be the one looking like the ghost when the flash is on. hate my hair. fuck it when is it gonna grow long??!?!?!?!!!!!!

been thinking of curling it though.






effing full. mac's fries for supper = unhealthy + fattening. oh my God.....

anyway, i found out that my mum does read my blog as i've suspected. and she requests that i use lesser vulgarities blablablablabla.

oh well. this is my space to rant though, so we shall have to see about that.

kay have to wake up by ten. fingers crossed that i can wake up and not let exhaustion get the better of me! DETERMINATION AND DISCIPLINE PLEASE!!!!!


xx.

happy birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TWINNIES! thank you for always helping me wash the stuff, hang clothes blablablablabla. and treating me like the elder sister i am, though sometimes i really act like i'm the youngest in the family. :D i luv you two idiots, though you'll never see this.oh welllllllz.

no photos till i feel like taking some. must.go.on.diet.now!!!!! but there's a family dinner later on. HOW. omg.

heartbreak really is the best way to stop eating. how ah. ????? i wanna exercise i can't stand all these fucking fats i keep eating non stop i swear. omg.

fuck this. i hate feeling fat i fucking hate it but i eat on the spur of the moment without thinking of consequences. JOHANNA TEO GROW SOME DETERMINATION CELLS PLEASE!!!!!

never again.

i'm so angry i can't even find the words to express how angry i am right now.

oh and it's mixed with disappointment and hurt.

like what i told Huishan, i really don't feel like being reasonable now.

maybe the Johanna of the past would be saying sorry, promising not to do it again, blablablablabla.

but i'm not the girl in the past. not the one who will bend over backwards just to get him not to leave me. not the one who'll change everything just to become closer to his idea of a perfect relationship.

if it's anyone leaving, i'll be the one who walks first.

trust. HAH!

asses

J, delicatelikethunder.blogspot.com says (11:49 PM):
*Too nice.
Different.
Very hard worker.
Wise.

*which one is me
cynthia; says (11:50 PM):
*too nice
*different
*either 1
J, delicatelikethunder.blogspot.com says (11:50 PM):
*hmm which one is me more
*more me *
cynthia; says (11:50 PM):
*vhw
*no
*wise.
*=.=
*LOL
*not wise
*smart maybe
J, delicatelikethunder.blogspot.com says (11:50 PM):
*LOL DECIDE
cynthia; says (11:50 PM):
*definitely not wise
J, delicatelikethunder.blogspot.com says (11:50 PM):
*Too nice.
Different.
Very hard worker.
Wise.

J, delicatelikethunder.blogspot.com says (11:51 PM):
*-.-
cynthia; says (11:51 PM):
*totally lazy bum
*different or too nice either one
J, delicatelikethunder.blogspot.com says (11:51 PM):
*STAY IN THE OPTIONS!!!!!


----

J, delicatelikethunder.blogspot.com says (11:50 PM):
*Too nice.
Different.
Very hard worker.
Wise.

*which one am i
BOTAK SAM 吉祥物 says (11:51 PM):
*hahaha
*hmmm
*wise
*wait
*different
*hahaha
*u are not wise
*=x


wthhhhhhhhh! i am so totally wise okay!

need.to.tidy.my.room. fucking annoying btw, went to school and there was no school. .....
bye!


xoxo

ps: seven days, one and a half months, four to five months. the road is long my dear. will absence really make the heart grow fonder or would it just prove the fact that out of sight = out of mind?

talking and obsessing

"waving the white flag"

mahjong later at A's place with his campmate and Cyn. feeling super sleepy and weak after that wave of nausea last night in the cab.

fuck super weird though, almost the whole stretch of my spine area started aching like mad, then i felt like puking.

anyway, went on this sudden and random trip to D's place with A. M was there too. been quite some time, to say the least.

left after a few hours to go home to rest after.

A was pissed off at me yesterday. played that blinking game where the person who blinks first loses, and he cheated. he blew into my eyes and of course i blinked, then i've no idea why, but my hand went up and slapped his face. like some reflex action thing.

he was like quite pissed already but didn't really show cause quite funny what, then a few hours later at D's place he said something la i forgot what. then i took the strip of mentos i had and threw it at him.

normally i can't aim very well and all, but i've no idea why i was so accurate yesterday and the mentos hit his big head. LOL maybe surface area bigger that's why. yeah then he was like pissed off la.

-.- then like that lor. he said 'wo bu zhi dao ni jing tian tat tio shen me sai.'/'i don't know you stepped until what shit today' (super direct translation)

hehe

anyway, decided to just leave things as they are and see how it goes. won't take it too seriously, but i guess i won't take it too lightly either.

difficult to keep the balance, like balancing an egg on wire hung high in the air. that's how hard it is to keep it, without it falling off and going splat on the ground.

kk off to get ready.

HUAT AH! hahahahahahahaha kthxbye.


photos soon.


xoxo
can't keep my hands out
of the cookie jar.

ps: i'm sorry.

thinking things through.

it's all about the compromises, about changing for the better.
but what if i've changed into someone you cannot accept, and i don't wanna compromise?

what if i'm not ready, and you can't wait?

too many what if this, what if that.

fuck this i need a drink. bye.

sorry.

"true to your faith."

ast night was stupid. but alright in the end i guess?

solo-ed boat quay for nearly 5 hours with Jackie that grumpy idiot omg. initially the plan included more people, but i've no idea why in the end we were left with pathetic two.

(cause Cyn wanna stay at home do tutorial but in the end was watching naruto.>=() LOL

luckily Ruixiang joined after his work and yeah. it was better cause of more people and Jackie cheered up immensely.

there was this game that involves swords and this barrel and a toy pirate thingy, and you have to insert the swords into the holes in the barrel randomly and if you picky the lucky hole then the toy pirate will pop up and obviously you lose = must drink or something.

and yeah i found one sword in my bag. like wtf i wanted to steal the stirrer thing but instead i got the sword thing. -.- shall go back and return it someday.

i've that 'ohhhh i'm in deep shit' feeling. was not contactable from one last night till twelve plus noon today, and yeah. B's mad at me cause i'm out late blahblah. so shall keep my promise and go to school today!

though i feel sleepy and shitty and sick. but.i.must.prove.a.point!!!!!

okay off to get ready. i hope everything will be okay.


xoxo
trust.

this time round

"i'm taking back my love."

boring.

it feels like i haven't been out in ages. >=[ not properly, at least. short on cash as well fuck this sucks!

need a job, need a job. but no time, plus studying. needs needs needs needs needs. i think i have a 101 more needs than the Maslow needs thingy.

fucking hate my appetite too; it's like growing and growing and growing and growing and growing i swear. keep having to munch on stuff. PLUS i've been breaking out even more! and oh my God i just discovered cracks in my laptop.

GREAT!!!!!

watching 'Just My Luck' on the PiPi thingy, and i feel like Lindsay Lohan, just not as unlucky of course.

Daiso trip with Yutong! forced him to take photos and wear a red hat all around the store. plus he was the one pushing the cart. nice friend :D







me: this one very nice! but not good it breaks easily.
Yutong: was that a pun?

(talking about the red ceramic ashtray below)

get it get it? bet you don't, except for .....





from friday night, before we went to Powerhouse.





oh yeah some guys are just plain disgusting and irritating. and others just have lame pick up lines.

Cyn posted one example of that guy who tried to take her number, and this is the full version.the friend of that guy was like:

friend: hi, uh i saw you walking past and i think that you're very attractive.
me: uhhhh..... *glancing at Cyn and saw her being attacked by the other guy* okay thanks.
friend: i was thinking if i can get your number, maybe ask you out to lunch?
me: uhh....... *wtf wtf look at Cyn in that horrified expression and she was looking at me in the similar way*
Cyn: *stumbles over act drunk* Joh! i'm drunk!
me: okay okay *go hold her* *turns to guy* sorry ah i've to take care of my friend. she's drunk. bye!
friend: oh... okay i understand, maybe in a next life?
me: ah ya okay sure :D
weird guy who hit on Cyn: actually i'm sick!
weird guy who hit on Cyn: i'm love sick!

guy: you have very big eyes!
me: uhhh okay thank you?
guy: your eyes are very big and nice!
me: ahhh thank you (:
guy: i bet a lot of people told you that!
me: okay okay la. *how am i supposed to react?*
guy: you drink half i drink half *he hands me a glass*
me: sorry i'm allergic to alcohol. if i drink i will die.
guy: really meh?!
me: ya. i will die.
guy: i don't believe you.
me: i don't wanna prove it to you
guy: then you come here for what?
me: i come here to dance?
guy: then can you dance?
me: no i can't dance.

guy: eh drink this!
me: cannot la i'm allergic to alcohol. if i drink i will die.
guy: don't bluff la!
me: really really. i will die and i don't want to die.
guy: ya lor someone as cute and pretty as you cannot die. if you die i will have heartache *points to wrong side of chest*

-.- amongst others. fucking stupid!!!!!

ahh loads of drama the day after shan't dwell on it, since things are fine and well now. thank God!

i've no idea what i'm doing though, it's like taking the plunge into deep choppy water with a punctured life vest; totally stupid and unsafe.

ah okay, maybe going running with ______ this weekend, and meeting up with him tomorrow for dinner. frozen guo ties ftw!

i hope to meet up with my respective loves soon, especially K, Bc and Hb. been so long since i seen any of them, especially Bc!

and Hs and i should really do the budget nail painting thing for each other. LOL.

kk been long since such a damn long post. i wish xiaxue will update her blog already. (yes i like reading her blog, she's funny. though i don't agree with every thing she says.)

anyway, shall finish up my movie and off to bed i go.

:D

xoxo
baby steps

ps: you should take care of it well.

it's funny how something happens and you discover other stuff through that, both good and bad.

used to be one right could make all the wrong stuff go away, but now it seems like one wrong move can make all the rights fuck off and die.

or maybe it's just me, not wanting to get hurt again, thus i'm choosing not to believe, cause it just seems to be easier.

maybe i'd be missing out, but really, i can't trust hearts anymore. even mine.

no idea why i feel like crying.

don't.

so much.

i think i rely too much on my laptop and my phone. like so many other people nowadays. somehow it feels like i'm damn cut off from the rest of the world.

lol! and i thought john was playing the piano. then i was pleasantly surprised cause i was like 'eh so nice ah?!' but in the end it was just jay chou singing -.-

seems like really a lot of things have been happening. and everything is really about decisions, to go this way or the other.

how many times can one prove themselves, till it gets sick and tired, this whole cycle? things are different now, super different. in more ways than one in fact.

but, i know how sincere you are, how different you are now; even talking to my parents, coming all the way down not knowing what will happen. thank you, thank you.

it meant a lot to me, and it said a lot.

ahh i just need some time. a deal's a deal remember? <3


okay i miss cynthia ): powerhouse yesterday, and we met a lot of weird and lame guys with stupid pick up lines. omg super fucking cliche i swear, amusing though.



okay off. photos up soon (:


xoxo
love shouldn't leave.

ps: one more event to add on to what we've been through together. ily.

hate that i love you so.

i can't sleep. and it's nearing 7 in the morning.

gossip girl season 3 omg i love serena and blair and aiya everybody. shut up.

why can't i sleep.....? fuck this. FUCK. more than insomnia maybe. knn no shit again please. thanks.