our song .

"i don't want you to go to bed, mad at me."

it's a chore keeping thoughts at the back of your mind, concentrating on other things, not letting your mind wander to where ever.

so so many questions, and..... i just miss the sound of your voice.

it's gnawing at me, and i've never missed anyone/anything that much, i swear. and i hate being awake at night.

i miss him. the way he makes me irritated, the way he makes me feel damn fucked up, the way he calls me during his breaks, the way he makes me laugh by doing retarded kiddy stuff, the way he walks in front and makes me think he doesn't care about me then he turns around and waits for me and asks me to hurry up, the way he gets upset when i tell him about other guys, the way he asks about what i'm doing, the way he gets impatient when i'm late, the way he tells me he loves me, the way he smiles, the way his lips taste so smelly after he smokes, when his hands make mine smelly cause of his cigerettes, the way he
calls me baby, the way he says 'love you', the way he runs around making fun of people, the way he makes that face like he has a mental problem, the way he gets irritated at me, the way he tells me 'i don't want to talk to you', the way he snores when he sleeps, the way he hugs me super tightly when we sleep, the way he makes those little snuffly noises when he's asleep, the way he sings songs in the low key cause he can't reach the high parts, the way he sings 'hai kuo tian kong', the way he turns red during late nights, the way he makes me super hot cause his body heats up and we're hugging to sleep, the way he says 'don't doubt my love for you', the way he gets angry when i interfere into other people's things, the way he doesn't mind me however i look, the way he helps me adjust my shirt, the way he helps me carry my bag, the way he lets me into the cab first, the way he holds the door for me, the way he still kisses me when my eyes are full of eye shit, the way i know i can always call him and he'll be happy to hear from me, any day any time.

and now, things are different. i don't know where i stand anymore. i really don't. i miss you B, i fucking fucking miss you.

keeping myself busy busy, but errant thoughts still wander through, like 'will he reply my message?' or 'will he call me?'

i'm not being silly, i don't think i am. i've been a horrible girlfriend. a real horrible one. and i let him down.


i just..... i don't want to move on. i don't want to hold some other guys' hand, i don't want to call some other guy my boyfriend. i don't want to hear 'i love you' from anyone else.

a thousand, million, billion, trillion, zillion, gazillion times over, i'm sorry i'm sorry, i love you, i want you back, i'll never be that way again.

i swear, i swear.

and i hate to think of the thought that i've been pushing the furthest away.

maybe it's all too late.

please God, please don't let it be too late.



xoxo
if hearts could cry out,
if you could hear mine.

ps: take care of yourself.