and your heart is on the floor.

"feeling wretched, but baby i'll smile for you."



well.

it's 1.04 am. reached home super early. super, super early. around twelve-ish?

met up with Darren, Shina, Jerold, and two of their friends, Samuel and Zach- something. LOL can't spell his name!

it was for a very short while, but it felt good getting out of the house. felt totally fine, save for a few stomachaches here and there, but now i'm home i feel like puking again, and headache included.

missed weewee, so might be meeting up with her later on.

suddenly realized that i'm fucking hungry, but i can't quite stomach the idea of food now.

oh welllll.

i really, really don't wanna be alone.

have that empty feeling in my stomach again. but yeah, guess i'll still be fine.

and i'm fighting the urge to pick up the phone. and just ..... no no. i won't.

editing some photos, and today's photos are with Shina, and so i only have two of Jerold and yours truly.

so, some first, of today and Grandmum's birthday (:







somehow i don't regret spending that amount of money to arrive at a hair color that looks almost like black, cause i prefer this color and cut -..-

before that my hair was this color.



totally uneven, and look at the orange roots! super super horrible, swear. so, back i went the next day to get it redyed, and had my fringe cut at the same time.

oh well.

and i'm happy cause today Jerold complimented me! hehe he's like always making my day brighter with those nice compliments hehe. cause yaaaa a girl needs compliments to feel sort of better kay!

ho hummmmm.


__________


newest resolve: to get out of that hole i'm in, that i've been sinking into time and time again. to leave it, to stop dreading the nights, to stop wanting not to be alone, to sleep properly without having bad dreams, to not feel my heart breaking, to not feel that 'heart very pain' and 'i can't breathe' feeling.

cause it's overwhelming me, and i don't think i can keep it up anymore.

do you wonder where i am? wonder what i'm doing?



do you think of me, miss me?

Mabel says no one else will be sure of it but me, but i can't be sure of myself anymore. not when i've led myself into so many holes and shit. believed the wrong things, trusted, loved too much, too much in the wrong way, became too self righteous. too much, too much.

too many .

i need a hug.



xoxo
said, you'd never make me cry.


ps: i miss you, i miss you. that, along with i love you, have become one of the unmentionables.