7229.) I'm afraid I'm in love with you. I try to deny it but time to time, I catch myself thinking of you. You were my first and I'll never forget you. I hope, I really hope, with all my heart, that you remember me. Forever.

i can't sleep cause i'm thinking of you, i can't sleep and i'm thinking of you.

i just want to sleep.)':

i hate emo songs, i hate happy songs, i hate pictures of couples, i hate sweet things, i hate my mind i hate my brain i hate my memories i hate my heart i hate my feelings i hate myself i hate being weak i hate being helpless i hate feeling this way i hate feeling alone i hate my phone i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you.

i love you. i love you i love you i love you i love you

i want to get drunk. need alcohol. now.

"but you're just a boy, and i'm just a girl"

i think i'm blogging way too much, like two or three posts today already? haha no idea. anyway i'm so proud of myself. (not for blogging so much luh like duh -..-)

something suddenly snapped, i-don't-know-why. like suddenly i'm kind of able to step out of the picture and see it clearly from the sides. and it doesn't hurt as much, i've no idea why too.

i do hope this feeling lasts, kind of peaceful, and at ease with myself.

like i was telling Huibing, the things i felt or were afraid of were very ridiculous, and childish. i guess in my own way i wasn't totally wrong for feeling insecurities and all, cause c'mon we're all humans. but i really have to grow up and be mature and not think so much.

anyway.....

feel like going for a manicure before school tomorrow. oh yeah and it's time to top up my ez-link!

damn bored.

oh ya one photo here, this was when K and i met up randomly that day at her place, then we went to H.Plaza for a little while.



my blog desperately needs some photos huh.

oh well, Rebel with Ben on Weds, if everything goes to plan, hopefully. the timing was damn good cause i was asking Cyn if she wants to go club this weekend.

okay, back to F.R.I.E.N.D.S, and then off to bed. school tomorrow, shall work hard.

goodnight darlings, i love you. (in the plural sense, of course.)



xoxo
clarity, sweet serenity.

ps: i wanted to say so much more, but i think i'll just leave it as a no reply . you take care of yourself too. and.....
imy.

day one.

deleted my whole blog post.

i'll still keep my promises. keep them, and i hope to God he keeps the most important one he made me, too.

somehow i feel so silly for being insecure, or saying those stuff to him.

two weeks, three weeks, four weeks, five. have no idea how long it'll take, but still i'll try my best, and that's in keeping with the 'iymtb,ywb'. thing.

got to get on with my life, no time for silly thoughts or moping around. joh you've got to stand strong, and take it like a man!

and i'm glad i've got my thoughts sorted out, though every so often, my thoughts turn to him and i feel like texting him. -..-

but nooooo. shall do what i said! or not i'll look like some weakling >=[ put your stubbornness to good use girl!

and though i still do want things to work out in the end, there's no point lingering on now right? need to find back my independence, and i'm starting to!

waiting for my dad to come back with macspicy. i don't feel hungry at all, but somehow i just feel like stuffing my face full of it. and i feel like eating ice cream! the white ones with the chocolate bits in 'em. forgot what it's called.

oh well, kay chatting online with friends and my tummy hurts ):

sam is awesome cause he thinks i'm awesome! (an awesome gal, to be precise) hehehehehe i bet a lot of people agree with him lor. HAHA

it's raining out, wonder how dad's gonna come home without getting wet. wanted to bring an umbrella over, but apparently he's driving. ooh i wanna drive too! hehe after i hit eighteen, shall immediately chiong to get my license. and clubbbbbb! duh but of course i'm going before that. HAHA

kay dad's back. bye!



xoxo
i miss you.

ps: wubwubwubwubwub u 2.

my dad's my new boyfriend!

gotta love myself, respect myself.

and i know, someday, i'll be okay. and i can look back and say 'i used to love him a lot.'

got to stop all this nonsense, and be who i was, or rather, the new and improved Johanna. the one who can be happy by herself, the one who doesn't run away, the one who doesn't cling on.

i should have done it ages ago, should've walked out with my head held high. should've been able to put down what i'd taken up, nine months and seven days ago.

instead of letting it become so ugly, i'm cringing inside, picturing the scene. that was more than putting down my pride, that was just unnessecary.

if the point that we love each other isn't enough, then i guess there's nothing left for me to say.

it hurts, it does. and i'm so afraid. even my fingers won't let me type out. stupid huh.

texted him a very long message just now while aimlessly walking around, and i feel like such an idiot for doing so.

it's my fault things have come to this, i am to blame for many things. and i can't let myself be like that anymore.

am going to take this whole ..... thing? as a learning experience, and i'm going to learn from it, and change to become a better person, a better girl.

i have to, cause i'm sick of the way things have been going, and the way i've handled it. shall be mature, like an adult! afterall i'm eighteen this year, no?

and as for the feelings..... if they remain, they will. not going to do anything about it, and i can't too.

cause i have a life, and i've been too consumed by these feelings to lead it properly, being afraid of this, thinking of this and that, till i couldn't function properly. ain't healthy, and i don't want to be like that anymore.

i need my friends, now more than ever. thank you best one, for saying you'll stand by me through this period of time. <3

exhuasted throughout by these past few months, the cycle, the love and the tears, making up, breaking up, and making up again. learnt a lot of things, though.

God, i need You too. (: give me the strength, and some quick pain relief? hot guy can? HAHA.

my dad is the coolest dad in the world. he let me go club! i love my parents very very very very very much. (: i do i dooooooo. (remember keenan and kel?)

alright off to watch friends and all. if we're meant to be, we'll still be, in the end, eventually. there's no point wanting anything, hoping for anything, or crying or clinging on. gotta listen to that inner voice that i've silenced for so damn long!

so, yeahhhhhh. jia you! take care of yourself, johanna. you can do it. do what mom says, and 'keep on walking.' like johnny walker! HAHA funny eh.

and i want to spend some time alone too. to reflect and make sure i'm totally alright. hehe

okay go already thankssssssss ah.

byebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebyebye.



xoxo
day one, and counting.

ps: ___________________________. (ihymmt)

ai wo, bie zhuo.

this is the hardest thing.

edited.


cancelled that last sentence cause it felt like a cry for self-pity.

got to admit that i'm laughing at my fucked-upness, for real.

better start acting like you do.

blogger is fucking with me.

DON'T FUCK WITH ME! (teh says it sounds very businesslike and serious)

but at least there are columns to type things in whereas a few days ago there was just a jumble of screwed up half columns.

i hate _________.

and i hate controlling my emotions and how i feel. but still, i'm going to say something. this can't go on like this.

still sick.



i wish you were here.....