absolute doubt

"and you'd break it over and over again."

ssssssssss

can someone tell me if it's me who's expecting too much? or is it me who always expects too much, and myself who lets me get disappointed when what i expect falls short?

it's always hard to say what i mean, and why does it have to be others who can guess what i'm really thinking, or how i really feel?

words get stuck repeatedly, and sometimes it just doesn't seem logical anymore.

a voice is saying "so what's the damn point?" and another part of me says "but you love him".

laughs.

and usually that voice that makes me feel so pathetic and disgusted with me wins. it's as if i've lost almost all control to be how i was.

perhaps it was me who was screwed up to begin with, forgetting that it's just a very simple relationship, but i swear i've lowered my expectations.

and it's always someone else being there for you now, instead of the one who was supposed to hold your heart, and protect it from getting hurt.

and i forgot the point that the best person to protect your heart is usually the one who can break it the most.

mentally exhausted, physically exhausted. am running a temperature, but it's okay.

all the better to wallow in misery with aye.

feeling better now, somehow. though nothings been done about it. someone told me to tell him how i feel. but i can't. words get stuck. really stuck. and it's as if i can't allow myself to be weaker than i already am in front of him.

someone also said, "______ is so simple. all he does is work/ dota/ play billard/number ball/ sleep/ gamble..... etc, it's not very complicated what! i don't know why you get so emotional....." blablabla.

just one sentence to say to that, "i cannot comprehend simple stuff." in a way. it's just that i will over think everything, and it turns out complicated, and i really cannot get simple logic.

i don't want to be that weak piece of shit.

and i'll change for you, but will you change for me?

weewee said "it's not about meeting the perfect guy, it's about meeting an imperfect guy and he becomes all you'd ever want."

true that, but have i became all you'd ever want?

xoxo
you're calling,
but perhaps tonight i won't
pick up the phone.

ps: you love me more?
for you, a thousand times over,
and would you?