to who, you have become

"very nearly, you leave me breathless"

ffggggghhhh.

it's five fourty two a.m., and i'm not asleep yet. OKAY, nothing unusual about that, but it's the oh my God i'm at home! kind of feeling that's leaving me feeling a little restless. hoho.

not that it's a bad thing that i'm at home or anything; i even wanted to stay home just now. but all the same.....

oh yes. i'm learning how to play dota! like triple hehehe. luckily glenn downloaded the game into cyns and my laptop! it was something that he did quite a few months ago, so it's like a 'woah it comes in handy!' kind of in amazement feeling that keeps bugging me.

hahahahahah i think i construct weird sentences. -..-

'you have to have the game, then you install it, then you go garena.net to download garena there, then you create and a/c there, then you open it and you make sure your patch is 1.22 instead of the older versions, then you join room then you can start playing.'

that alone took me close to three hours to complete. totally mind-boggling shit, though someone told me 'it's a no brainer game' like har-har-har!

kept having that feeling of extreme irritation when i got stuck at some points of time, so luckily royston was nice enough to keep guiding me through. (:

i want to become a pro at this stupid game so that that idiot big head won't keep on playing. but oh well. hahahahahaha.

i have no idea what i'm thinking too. javiour says i'm too emotional -..- kay lor.

i ammmmmmmmmmm. like i cry at sad movies, i get angry at things i can do nothing about, i get swept off with moodswings, and i let my mind get my heart worked up into a frenzy about non-existent problems.

i guess it's not so much as changing, as learning how to hide how you feel. and sometimes it's not about changing the other to suit your needs; it's about you changing to suit them?

ended off with a question mark, because i'm still unclear on that part. i mean, how can you lower yourself, to the extent of changing everything about yourself, for the person who's supposed to love/accept you for exactly how you are?

part of me will want to do it willingly, and yet the other is remaining obstinate on that one fact, that the person IS supposed to love me for who i am, and not what he wants me to become. it's a whole big contradiction.

and yet.....

i don't know. i'm not saying he wants me to change, i'm not saying that at all. i'm just placing myself in that situation whereby perhaps, my significant other wants me to change. cause i've been seeing these kinds of situations too much lately.

and maybe i'm still not able to say that i know what love is.

cause sometimes i wonder what the hell love is, and i wonder if i'm in it, or if i just think i am, or if there's some other emotion that is much stronger than how i'm feeling right now, and i'm just mistaken.

i wonder why samseng only has one strand of hair.

LOLLOLLOLLOLLOL. random shit. you know? that samseng of the bookworm gang? hahahah childhood storybooks likethose from Enid Blyton, or that guy who wrote the BFG, and matilda and what nots. forgot how to spell his name though.

the days when you were young, and nothing scared you more than your parents getting upset with you and scolding you.

thinking back of days where my parents used to scold me, and i'd cry my eyes out. and i remember telling myself not to cry, and slowly i stopped crying. that was when i started growing up i guess. hardening up emotionally in ways that i'd hate kids to become, but i guess that's what happens to everyone.

the problems you'd face then were perhaps arguing with your friends, and getting all upset, but all too soon you'd make up. when you grow up, sometimes petty quarrels could escalate into episodes where friends of years end up growing apart.

where fights really end up in people getting hurt, with knifes or metal rods or what ever, instead of the pinches/slaps/ and punches thrown. getting into fist fights when you were younger meant getting bruised. getting into fights when you're older could mean you getting stabbed.

ho.

and so life's a breeze?

how the hell can anyone look on the bright side of life, based on those odds?

never stop trying though. (:

tsk sigh. okay it's late/early whatever. time to go.

OH YES.

i found out some stuff today, that made me totally go "OH YEAH SONGGGGG!" hehe. like big grin* but mostly for the other thing.

alright, this post is the lengthiest post i've had in a while. somehow i prefer livejournal though.

supposed to up by twelve thirty and look at the time! no wonder those pimples haven't gone anywhere near to disappearing ):

'ta darling.

xoxo
you leave me powerless

ps: i wish you were here.