Dreamer

8.44 am.

feeling frantic, and fuck it i know i shouldn't care. really shouldn't, that he's moving on, how many girls there are.....

but yknow it sucks cause it seems like the whole thing didn't mean shit to him. and they were right, too right.

i'll always just be another girl to him, yknow. just another girl.

and it sucks cause he'll never be 'just another guy', not to me.

i really don't know why i'm crying, did so well the past few days, it shouldn't matter.....

why'd i have to fall for a guy who's heart was made of stone? i know it's all part of that 'he's moved on' thing, but i really, just can't help feeling so fucked up.

wondering about the next girl he'll hold in his arms,the next hand he'd interwine his with, about the next one he'll say 'i love you' to, wondering if what he felt for me was ever true, wondering if he'll ever think of me.

yknow probably not at all. probably not a second thought, for him it's a closed chapter, one he'd rather leave behind.

but it's like this raw wound that's picking. i never should have let him in, never should've let anyone close to my heart. knew there was a reason why those walls were built.

and i'm so afraid that i'll never find anyone that can make me feel the way he did, afraid that i'll be stuck on him forever, and afraid that i'll always carry a part of him with me in my heart.

i don't want to, wanna forget. every single thing he said, every single thing he did, every single i love you, every single memory of the past year. i wanna forget it all like how he did. God yknow i feel so pathetic, like such a loser.

wish i could just recall him as that idiot i used to roll my eyes back at during secondary school, when he swaggered around like some big shot, or when he took the scorpion and made yuqi cry.

when he said 'i think i love you more then you love me'... when he told me 'i don't wanna lose you.' when he said 'baby i love you i love you!'

all words, all words. never should've believed them so much.

in a way i don't think i'll ever be able to forgive myself for putting myself through all this shit. for letting myself hurt so much. i know it's part and parcel of every relationship, but yknow a part of me really thought that we really could've lasted much longer.

and a part of me forgot that everything ends, sooner or later. let myself think that no matter how many times we broke up, we'd be strong enough to pull through each time.

A, you know how much i hate you? somehow i wish that we'd never ever got together, and yet i don't regret one bit.

i hate feeling like this i hate it.

i hate being unable to sleep, i hate having to talk to other people just to feel less alone, never used to be that way. i hate .....

and yet i'm gonna be better.

i'm gonna stand up, be stronger, be better than ever before. no matter how much it takes, it's not gonna kill me, so it's gonna make me stronger.

shall take it like a man.


one day. one day.


xx.
sincerely.

ps: